Two Twisted Teens
by xDreamerx
Summary: -"Let’s think about the logistics here. Why would some one as popular and good-looking as I am be falling for, what’s that muggle word, a “Goth”?... I am a little afraid for my life, if I may say so." Companion to Feed On Fear--a look inside James's diary
1. The Beginning of the Rest of My Life

Two Twisted Teens

**Chapter 1- The Beginning of the Rest of My Life**

**September 1st, 1976—Hogwarts train, 11:27 AM**

I can only suppose that the thought of witches and wizards is a fantasy concept for muggles, until they grow up and are told that such a place where these magical creatures are said to dwell, does not, in fact, exist. Well, I'm living proof that said people are complete idiots.

Hogwarts is my home—my other half, so to speak. It has been my school for the past four years, and I do love my mother more than life itself because she's always been there for me and always supports and loves me no matter what I do, but Hogwarts is a break from home life—a break that everyone needs every once in a while.

Now, it's my fifth year there and I can honestly say that I will miss the freedom and comfort Hogwarts brings when I graduate in only two years. As I have just turned fifteen, I can truly say that this is the beginning of the rest of my life. At fifteen, my life is finally beginning.

I suppose you wonder who I am. Let's see… My name is James Potter. I have unruly black hair, brown eyes and I'm about 5'11". But, that's just general information. That's not who I am. As for who I really am, I eat like a Hippogriff, I'm obsessively focused on Quidditch, and I live for pranks, but how can anyone possibly get to know one person, even if they spend a lifetime with them?

As for complicity, don't count on it with me. I mostly say what I mean and I don't talk much. For some reason, my friends and I, (who have come to be know as the Marauders, as in "You'll pay for this you blasted Marauders!") have been very blessed with popularity and good looks, and if you've seen how Hogwarts fawns over us, you know I'm not being cocky.

My three best friends are Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew. Sirius and I have known each other since we were born. His parents and my parents were somewhat good friends back in Hogwarts and then they had a little 'fall out' that I know for a fact they both refuse to talk about. Sirius and I have never ceased being friends, though, and he practically lives at my house during summers, anything to get away from his family. Let's just say his home life isn't the greatest, but whose really is?

Remus I met first year and we took a liking to each other immediately. Sirius wasn't so open to inviting him into our slowly forming group, but he got used to the idea, and now Remus is a part of us as much as our group's title is. Remus is the quietest of us all, but a little heart breaker, that one is. He's the brains behind all our pranks, but never likes to take credit for anything. However, credit is where credit's due.

Peter is somewhat of a 'groupie,' if you want to put it that way. He's simply a fan, wallowing in our popularity, wanting what we have. That's how it all started, at least, until one day in second year I struck up a curious conversation with him and things have never been the same since. He's a part of us now, and though he doesn't seem to have the fan club Remus, Sirius, and I have, he is as much a part of the Marauders as any of us. Although, we tend to take advantage of his presence. Peter is a really good guy, though. I would trust him with my life and have on many pranks-gone-wrong.

I'm on the train to Hogwarts right this moment, and it's full of boring normality. Remus was appointed prefect, Sirius is talking about how he finally bedded that girl Christine, or something like that, and dumped her, and Peter had received his first kiss. Me? Nothing exceptional happened for me that summer. I lost my glasses, got a tan, and toned up a bit—nothing out of the ordinary.

It's like a Marauder meeting in our compartment, full of which pranks we'll be playing on which people.

I guess it's time to put on our robes as we're nearing the castle.

**

* * *

9:34 PM—Common Room**

It started to rain as we entered the school. All the students sat at their respective tables, dripping with that sticky, annoying wetness. All I want to do now is take a bath in the big prefect bathroom. Remus will tell me the password later.

So, the Sorting Hat's brim opened and it started to sing. But, I don't ever pay attention. I scanned the table, finding familiar faces and I was greeted with smiles and suggestive winks all around. Don't worry, this is normal behaviour.

I couldn't help feeling the slightest bit sorry for the not-yet-sorted first years. I remember how terrifying it is to stand up in front of the entire school, hoping to Merlin that you'll fit in with your house. But, still, I didn't pay attention. It's a little too mind-numbing for me to handle.

"This has got to be the dullest thing I have ever seen," I whispered to Sirius and he noded in agreement.

I pretended to be completely focused on the sorting and I suppose I was pretty convincing because as I tore my eyes away from the students, I caught the eye of none other than Lily Evans, whose eyes widened in fear at being caught glancing at me. She totally wants me.

For some reason, Lily shot me a dirty look and refused to look at me the entire evening. But, I noticed the prefect badge pinned on her robes and the disappointment across her face every time she looked upon it. She's never been into that 'model student' behaviour. Why, or rather, how the hell did she make prefect?

Though, Remus is also prefect and this could be my big chance to get to know her and make a move on her because she's so into me. I ran a hand through my hair, making it perfect, like I'd just finished a game of Quidditch. All the girls love that.

Dumbledore's speeches are always fairly interesting and sprinkled with a few jokes so I decided to listen in.

"I would like to extend a welcome to those who are coming back for another year. Welcome back! To our first years, I would like say welcome! I hope that you enjoy Hogwarts as much as I feel the rest of them have. I would also like to notify and remind our students, that the Forbidden Forest is, in fact, forbidden. Those who do not wish to die will please refrain from going near it. There is also a list of magical items put up on our caretaker, Mr. Filch's office door that will not be permitted. Anyone interested is welcome to look, and I encourage that greatly. Mr. Filch has made it very evident that he will not put up with any of that nonsense this year." Dumbledore winked and it was obvious that Dumbledore found this entertaining. I managed a smile at his odd humour. "Now, without further delay, let the feast begin!"

I greedily filled my plate, taking seconds and then thirds. Sirius and I, we can eat for ten people.

After the feast, I came into the common room, my thoughts full of taking advantage of Lily Evans, not because I fancy her, but because I've never had one of her kind before and I'll try anything once.

And, yes, I mean that suggestively.

**

* * *

September 2nd, 1976—Arithmancy, 3:26 PM**

Arithmancy is so my new favourite class. This is too perfect to be real! Life loves me. It's always so nice to me. I always get what I want.

I guess I should start with last night…

Remus had prefect duties last night and, lucky for me, Lily was partnered with him to roam corridors. I honestly love the irony of it all. I didn't have Remus say anything about me to her, at least not yet. I have to plan my moves carefully because Lily Evans is not a girl who plays by the rules.

Oh, I suppose I should describle what the girl I'm so keen on taking advantage of looks like. Let's just say, Lily is stunning.

With long bright red (and I don't mean orange-red, or even that pretty colour of brown-red. I mean full on red as a fire hydrant—a muggle thing that shoots water over everyone) hair and long bangs, Lily is definitely something you wouldn't miss. As if her hair doesn't make her amazing enough, she has the most beautiful emerald eyes and she wears an obsessive amount of black make-up around her eyes. Yeah, she's one of _those._ She's somewhat intelligent, but not brilliant, and she's kind of a mess, but she is one hundred percent unique, hangs out with Slytherins, and loves black.

Lily isn't popular because she is… who she is and looks how she does. Who would have ever thought that rich, popular James Potter would want to take advantage of muggle-born, "gothic" (a muggle term I picked up. It means someone who wears a lot of black and likes dark things of that kind) Lily Evans?

It's not even that I fancy her or anything. She is pretty, I'll give her that, but she's totally not my type. I go for drop-dead gorgeous, rich, popular girls, not girls like Lily. I've just never had someone like her and I guess my curiosity and hormones get the best of me.

At breakfast, Sirius and I got into a talk about Lily. Don't ask me how she came up, she just did. Let's just say I made the mistake of telling Sirius about my not-so-PG 13 dream I had about Lily last night. He laughed and made fun of me. Great, that's just what I need. I don't want the whole school to know! It's not as if I have much control over my dreams and if I did, I certainly wouldn't be wasting them on Lily Evans, of all people. I have more attractive things to occupy my dreams. I also have more attractive things to occupy my… never mind.

So, as Sirius was laughing at me and as I'm sure I was turning an interesting shade of a particularly bright red, you'll never believe who walks into the Great Hall. Of course it's Lily. Who else would it be?

Lily sat down, giving Sirius and me a particularly nasty look and I suddenly felt insulted. She's an outcast; I'm _popular._ She hangs out with Slytherins, for Merlin's sake! She can't be accepted by the Gryffindors because of that, but she does have friends in both Slytherin and Gryffindor. I wonder how she does that. I always have thought that she was meant to be in Slytherin. I can guarantee you that no one disagrees with that.

I watched Lily; she always has fascinated me. She pushed her plate away from her and walked back out of the Great Hall. I suddenly felt terrible and I don't know why.

"Sod off," I told Sirius, his laugh suddenly annoying me to the point of murder. I rubbed my eyes, grabbed a book I had brought to breakfast and I stood, startling the rest of the Marauders. "Grab my schedule for me, will you? I've got to go do something."

"Prongs, class starts in, like, a half hour!" Peter said. I smiled at his concern and had to bite back a laugh.

"Don't worry; I'll be back in time. I'll meet you guys in front of the Great Hall doors before our first class." With that, I left, Peter still calling out to me. Sometimes, you just have to get away. Sometimes you just have to be alone. And sometimes you just have to fly.

On the roof of the Astronomy Tower, I sat, thinking, which is something that I do that even surprises me. I'm not the most intelligent, everyone tells me. With my broom in safe reaching distance, I finally took a deep breath, relaxed, and allowed myself to think of Lily.

It sounds bad to say that Sirius and I made a bet about her, so I'll just say that we put money on how long it takes me to bed her. That sounds even worse, doesn't it? Well, maybe it'll sound better if I tell the whole story.

Last night, I had informed Sirius of my curiosity and wanting to 'get with' Lily since: A) I have never been with anyone like her before. B) She's pretty attractive and I'm getting bored of my routine flings. And C) She's so mysterious and forbidding, but there's something about her that makes me want to know her, makes me want to talk to her, makes me want to have some kind of relationship with her, even if it's just a friendship.

So, Sirius took this as a challenge and he bet me 50 galleons that I couldn't bed her by the end of sixth year. Unfortunately, Sirius knows that I love a challenge and that I love the thrill of a bet. So, I took the bet.

Now, I realize what a mistake it is to bet on a person, but it's too late to back down and I don't really want to. Now I have an excuse to get close to her. Now I have an excuse to know her.

Lily is impossible, though. I know for a fact that she doesn't open up to anyone except that Slytherin girl she's friends with. Lily is rude, sarcastic, and a pretty big bitch most times, but I really do think that there's another side of her and if I could just get to know that side, maybe I could…

I could what? I don't even know what I'm talking about. I have to plan carefully, I have to throw back insults as quick as she does, and most of all, I have to make a move. Or else, there's no hope for me and my 50 galleons.

After I got sick of the roof, I flew down and headed inside. There was still a while until classes started and I didn't want to be early, so I headed to the library with my Quidditch magazine.

After I'd been in the library a while, Lily came strolling in. She carefully picked out a book and I watched her from the corner of my eye scope the room for an empty seat. I just happened to be sitting at the only available table.

"You know, there's a seat right here. The only seat in the room," I said, not even looking up from my magazine.

"And why would I want to sit next to you?" She replied.

"Because it's better than standing. I don't bite, really. I promise."

"No thanks. I wouldn't want to be infected with conceit," she replied. What a stuck up bitch. Where has she been? I'm the most popular guy in school!

"Don't worry, you have no need to be conceited," I replied quickly. I always have been proud at my quickness and expertise at comebacks.

"Like _you_ have a need to be conceited? With your stupid hair and ugly glasses, you think you're so cool. It's ridiculous, really. Because you're not all that. I don't see why anyone would want you anyway."

Okay, she got me there. This bitch is going down!

"Hi, are you new? Have you seen the girls who worship the ground I walk on? And you think someone would want someone like you?"

Score; I totally won that one. Lily couldn't say anything. She just stood there, mouth open, staring at me. I know she hated that I never looked at her the whole time I insulted her. I ran a hand through my hair, smirked, and looked at Lily only seconds before her hand came in contact with my cheek. That certainly wiped the smirk right off my face. Okay, so she wants to play hard to get. I'm game.

Lily walked out of the library, head held high, trying to look all triumphant and mighty. I just smirked at the library and said:

"Merlin, she's crazy about me."

It worked—no one thought something out of the ordinary happened. Girls are always crazy about me so no one thinks otherwise of Lily and I.

I rubbed my cheek where Lily slapped me. How does she know how to hit me right where she knows it'll sting and be red the entire day? She's just skilled at that, I guess. She's an expert at hurting people.

A little later, I walked out of the library, trying as hard as I can to hide the red mark on my cheek from the rest of my friends. I can't have them knowing I got hit by a girl and the mark is _still_ there.

"Bloody hell, Prongs! What happened to your face!" I heard and knew that it was no use trying to hide it.

"You know how it is with the girls," I said and I think they buy it… for now. Sirius smirked and slapped me on the back, Remus shook his head at me, and Peter seemed to be proud of me. Yeah, okay.

We settled into our first class and Sirius had already started to fall asleep, not five minutes into it. I smiled weakly, but couldn't help noticing how depressed Lily looked. She didn't look this way when I was talking to her in the library. I wonder if it's me that made her this way.

Oh, no, she sent miserable glances to her Gryffindor friends. Okay, good; it's not me that did this do her.

The first day of classes is always the worst. Not only is it excruciating trying to pry yourself from your bed, but you have to sit in freezing classes, bored out of your mind, on desks that are next to impossible to sleep on. Somehow, though, Sirius always finds a way to sleep like a rock. I never really understood that muggle phrase. Rocks don't sleep—they're not alive. Unless they're charmed, but they would have to be charmed into something else that isn't a rock, and muggles can't charm anything.

I'm so confused.

Anyway, I somehow made it to my last class, looking forward to its end. I can't wait to enjoy the rest of the day. Maybe I'll practice Quidditch for tryouts that are going to be held in a few days. I've got to be the best if I want to keep my Keeper position.

So, I walked into Double Arithmancy with Ravenclaws and I'm still feeling pretty good about this day. I didn't fall asleep in any of my classes, which is a miracle, but also, none of my friends take Arithmancy. I'm beyond glad about this. Arithmancy is my favourite class and I'm glad for the break from my friends; I'm glad for the break from being James Potter—Head Marauder. In Arithmancy, I can be just me. I can focus on the class and my studies, without worrying about having to pull pranks every few moments. In Arithmancy, I can be the me no one else sees. I can breathe.

I was fairly early for class, so I took a seat in the last row at an empty table and I pulled out my Arithmancy book, beginning to read up on what we'll be learning this year.

The bell signaling the start of class rang and I closed my book. The professor walked in, all smiles. I couldn't help sneering. Today isn't _that _good to be _that_ happy.

"Miss Evans, take a seat by Mr. Potter."

I froze. First of all, I didn't even know Lily takes Arithmancy, though, if I were smarter, I would have realized that. Second of all, Lily Evans is sitting next to me. I started to freak out.

Not only is Lily's appearance that of a bad ass girl's, but she also happens to _be _a bitch and bad ass and she doesn't take anything from anyone. I'm not scared of her—she's a _girl._ It's just that she makes me nervous. Also, Lily is my project for the year, if you will. She's my experiment. I don't want to have to focus on her in Arithmancy. Arithmancy is _mine._ It's where I can be me, and I can't be the real me around Lily. I can't let go and breathe around her, especially because around her, I _have_ to be James Potter—Head Marauder.

I somehow, without my knowledge or approval, make a mental note to annoy the crap out of Lily so that she'll drop Arithmancy. It's _mine. _How dare she take _my_ class? Plus, it's pretty fun to get Lily mad. I have to remember to control myself, though. I don't know what she's capable of, but she's best friends with Slytherins and I know that means she has to at least have a hell of a right hook. Plus, Slytherins gang up on one person, and Lily is as good as a Slytherin—she's _accepted_ and _loved_ by the Slytherins. Once you're in with the Slytherins, they'll do anything for you. And I mean _anything._ They'd kill _themselves _for you. That's how loyal they are.

Lily Evans is not someone to mess with.

Lily Evans is not someone whose 'shit-list' you want to be on.

I saw Lily roll her eyes and I bit back the sarcastic comment I feel dying to burst out of my mouth. She took as long as she can to sit down and moved her seat as far away from me as possible. In a way, I felt hurt. Girls would kill to be in her position! Who the hell is she to despise me? Who is she not to like _me_? Who is she not to want to be around _me_?

Lily Evans is not like other girls.

Lily Evans is some messed up form of unique.

Lily Evans is unique gone wrong.

I sneered at Lily, and then I found my lips curling into a smirk at the situation. Lily has to sit next to me. These are our seats for the entire year. This is how it's going to be the whole year. This is an easy way for me to get to know Lily. This is a good way for me to get close to Lily. Being the real me that I am in Arithmancy, I can use it to my advantage. I can be the me that no one else sees, make her think she's special, and make her believe I love her for who _she _really is as well—thus, this is a good way for me to get in Lily's pants.

This is going to be good.

I watched Lily closely, examining and trying to read her. She's so unpredictable and indecipherable that I would never be able to tell what's swirling around her head. She took a deep breath with her eyes closed and opened her eyes again.

It would be a lie to say that I'm not in love with her eyes. They are the most beautiful pair of eyes I have ever seen and they seem to glow with the make-up she wears around her eyes. I could get lost in her eyes far too easily…

"I was late to class and there are no other seats, as you can see. I don't want to hear a word about it. Don't speak to me, don't touch me, don't even look at me and we will get along perfectly this year," she said, not looking at me. The smile was wiped right off my face. I turned away from her.

Our professor begins to speak, but I'm not listening. All I can think about is Lily Evans and how I want to win the bet with Sirius. I can't have him hold it over my head that I _can't_ bed any girl I want, contrary to my belief.

Damn; how am I going to do this? I have to be tricky. I have to be quick and intelligent. I have to stay on my toes.

But, most importantly, I have to be the best damn liar that Lily Evans has ever seen.

A lie is always better than the truth, I always say.

**A/N- **Review and I'll keep writing! Reviews make me write faster!

xDreamerx


	2. It Takes One To Know One

**Chapter 2- It Takes One to Know One**

**Tuesday October 14th, 1976—Common Room, 8:43pm**

So, yeah, it's been a while, but not much has been happening. Nothing notable, at least. Classes are still boring, the Marauders are still annoying the hell out of the Slytherins, and the leaves have just begun to turn a crisp, vivid orange.

I haven't exactly gotten much farther with Lily. I've been putting it off and putting it off because she's seemed extremely… depressed lately. The nice side of me tells me that she doesn't need anymore shit; the sincere side tells me not to do anything to her simply because she doesn't need it. At least not right now.

The only thing that I have kept up is my annoying Lily. This is next to impossible for me to stop, simply because it is my way of things. It's who I am—aggravating. The seats in Arithmancy that we were assigned to our first day are our assigned seats for the rest of the year, so it's pretty easy to annoy Lily. And it brings me enjoyment.

Of course, I'll only do little things to annoy Lily. I tap my quill incessantly, and my favorite is to jab her arm when she's taking notes so she draws a line straight down them.

However, Lily is not a thick girl. She does her share of annoying the hell out of me as well. She pretends to stretch and hits me in the head with her elbow, saying, "If only your head wasn't so big…" Ha, ha. She'll also knock over the ink for her quill all over my notes. That one really gets me, since that means I have to borrow notes from one of my many admirers to replenish my own notes. It's not that I mind re-doing my notes, it's just that it's bothersome to speak to one of my admirers because she'll try to be all over me. I'm just not into being a…what do muggles call it… a man whore.

Despite the iciness with Evans and me, she and Sirius seem to be getting along simply lovely. They've become friends, and I've even heard Sirius talk about being more than friends.

Anyway, there is a Halloween Ball in two weeks and Sirius has just informed me today that he has asked Evans, and she has delightfully agreed.

_I've_ had a date for months, but I don't like to brag. Okay, maybe I do, just a little. But who would blame me? I am the best-looking boy in Hogwarts! Ask anybody! They'll tell you no different!

At any rate, that's all the news I have for now. I suppose I should start on the three essays I've been putting off. They're all due tomorrow. But, that's just me. James Potter—procrastinator. And I'm damn proud of it too!

**Wednesday October 15, 1976—Dormitory 10:57 pm**

There is a Quidditch game this weekend that I will be playing in as Chaser. It's Gryffindor against Ravenclaw and I have absolutely no doubt that we will be kicking their asses in this game.

The team this year is absolutely brilliant. Sirius is Beater and he has quite a bit of talent. The rest of the team is more than a bit skilled and we all seem to work well together, which is what really counts.

There was a practice today, and I've only just gotten back from it. Smith kept us long today to make sure we got every little kink out before the first game so that we'd play perfect. The first game is what really counts. You either make it or break it with the first game and we most definitely want to make it a great Quidditch season.

So, I suppose, what does a few hours overtime really count? Practice makes perfect and I'm not complaining. Even though my legs are sorer than they've ever been from gripping my broom as hard as I did. And I'm drenched from head to toe from the rain, and my arms are throbbing.

But, I don't mean to complain. I'm perfectly fine with practice running late.

Yeah, I don't buy my lies either.

If there's one thing no one knows about me, is that I'm a damn good liar, and you can't lie to me. It takes one to know one and I am definitely good at spotting liars in an instant.

Anyway, I'm done with my ranting for now and I suppose I'll take a long hot shower before heading off to bed. Goodbye for now.

**Sunday October 19, 1976—Common Room, 8:57pm**

I've made it a weekly ritual to drag my ass out of bed early every Sunday morning and go down to the kitchens with my "Quidditch Weekly" magazine and have a nice cup of fresh coffee. It not only wakes me up, but it some how gives a nice closure to my weekend and it's exactly what I need, especially after the great weekend I've had.

Gryffindor, of course, won the Quidditch game yesterday and so, as usual, the Gryffindors threw a congratulatory party. There was music, alcohol, and some strip poker. Unfortunately, the object of my, er, desire did not feel it necessary to attend this extravagant event. For all I know Lily Evans spent the entire day up in the girls' dormitory, her mind locked away in a novel. Let's just say, this is very Lily.

Anyway, the party was a huge hit and fairly successful. However, Sirius lost at strip poker and we all had to endure him without his boxers on… I love Sirius, but not like that. I'm scarred for life.

However, Remus seemed to be chatting it up quite nicely with that friend of Lily's… I forget her name. They seemed to be having a fairly nice time, and if I'm not mistaken, he kissed her hand goodnight at the end of the party.

Sirius, of course, made his rounds to all the gorgeous girls at this social gathering. He invited a few from Ravenclaw and was seen snogging these girls, plus many Gryffindors at the party. Oh, Sirius. Will you ever learn?

I had a fairly decent time at the celebration as well. I won two games of strip poker and this won me twenty galleons. I did have a drink or two, but don't worry, I didn't drink and fly, and I have no intention to in the future. I didn't even get drunk. I just drink because it's nice and it was the only thing we had to drink there, surprisingly enough.

So, this morning, I wake up, pull a sweater over my head and some sweatpants on, and walk down to the kitchens with my magazine.

There, in the kitchens, book in hand, sipping coffee, I find none other than the lovely Miss Lily Evans.

I knew this was too good to be true.

"Well, well, well. Look who we have here," I said, making her jump and spill her coffee. She attempted to clean it up, but I pushed her hand away. "Allow me. After all, it was me that caused you to spill in the first place."

After I magically cleaned up the mess and got Lily another coffee, I allowed myself to sip my own coffee and relax for the first time in a long while.

"I see you didn't come to our party last night. It's a pity. You would have had a great time."

"How do you know? You don't know me at all. Why would you care if I had a good time or not? If it wasn't for you and Sirius being friends and Arithmancy class, we wouldn't even have ever spoken. We don't even like each other."

I was taken aback at her answer. She had a sharp tone and her jaw was clenched in what I figured was anger.

"Besides, I had other plans," she said in a gentler tone.

I didn't want to ruin the moment or her mood by saying anything, so I plunged into my magazine as Lily dived back into her book. A little later, Lily left, and I swear I heard her whisper a "goodbye" as the door closed behind her.

**Friday October 31, 1976—Dormitory, 4:37 pm**

In a few hours, the ball will begin. My date is a rather dull one to speak to, but she has incredible legs and a killer smile, so it's all good. I don't mean to sound shallow, because I don't think I am. It's just that, as a pureblood, it is my obligation to always prove my worthiness and being seen with an extremely attractive girl just happens to help my appearance. And, yeah, it doesn't hurt my reputation at all either.

All this week, I have had a lacking in where my friendship with Sirius used to be. He has spent the entire week with Lily and I had no one to conspire with. It's all very confusing. I don't understand why Sirius is trying to start something with Lily, because we have our bet going and he knows I'm trying to bed her. Maybe he just wants to make it harder and prove that I can't bed any girl I want. Maybe he just really wants those 50 Galleons. Or maybe, dare I write it, he really does have a thing for Lily Evans.

**Saturday November 1st, 1976—Common Room, 1:43 am**

So, I just got a chance to myself to sit down and note about my evening.

The ball wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. I'll tell you one thing, it was a big hit with the younger years, that's for sure.

Lily was wearing beautiful emerald robes that matched her eyes and for some reason, made me swoon at the sight of her. Her hair was up in a messy bun and her make-up was, as always, heavy and black.

Remus took one of Evans's friends to the ball, but I forget her name. She's quite a little beauty, that one is, but I have my heart set on Lily. At least, I have my money set on Lily. That's what I mean.

I took one of Lily's friends, Lexi. She's one with a stunning appearance, and wore deep purple robes that very much appealed to her dark skin.

Peter took some third year girl from Ravenclaw and they seemed to have a half decent time.

Sirius and I both waited in the common room for our dates and when Lily came down, my breath stopped in my throat. She was absolutely stunning and I couldn't keep my eyes off of her the entire time.

Sirius kissed Lily's hand and I found myself growing jealous of their closeness. My date came down, and I went through the whole routine. I told her she looked amazing, I kissed her cheek, and locked my arm with hers as we walked down to the Great Hall.

The Great Hall was dressed up with orange and black streamers and pumpkins were floating in mid-air. The ceiling was dark and starry, and there was no moon.

As I watched Lily throughout the evening, she was dancing dangerously close to Sirius and I found myself wanting to rip all of Sirius's hair out—or at least my own. Lily kept playing with him like this was all a sick twisted game of some sort. I wouldn't be surprised if it was, actually.

Evans kept kissing Sirius's cheek and the place right next to his lips, but for some reason, unbeknownst to me, she never kissed his lips.

When Lexi and I got back from the ball, I saw Lily and Sirius in the common room, at the stairs to the girl's dormitory, talking. Then they kissed, and it wasn't a kiss like you kissed your grandmother. Anyone who kissed their grandmother like Lily and Sirius kissed has some serious incest problems.

Yeah, I was jealous, but only because I'm trying to win Lily over and Sirius is getting all tangled up in this messy web of lust and galleons.

I kissed Lexi on the cheek for a goodbye and I kissed her hand for a goodnight. She's nice enough, but maybe too nice for me. I don't want to get involved with her—we're not compatible.

Anyway, there was a little after the ball party in the common room and I was hanging out there for a while before going to the prefect bathroom for a nice long bath. The party still hasn't died down all the way, but most of the people are gone and it's safe to write without having the paranoia of some drunken person reading over my shoulder. No, that wouldn't go over too well at all.

So, I suppose that's it for the night. Nothing else has happened and I feel I've explained everything with the best of my ability. Goodnight, then.

**November 2nd, 1976—Common Room, 2:46 am**

Last night, I was disturbed by dreams of Lily and Sirius getting married and having children that looked just like me, only they had green, slimy bodies. I woke up in a cold sweat for some reason. I picked up my glasses on the side table next to me and glanced at the clock. It was 2:57. You can imagine how happy I was then. So, I got out of bed, shook Sirius to wake him up, but he didn't move. He was… what do muggles say… sleeping like a rock. I never really understood that phrase. Rocks don't sleep—they're not alive. Unless you turn someone into a rock. That might be a fun one to pull on Snape. Note to self: tell marauders about turning Snape into a rock.

Anyway, I tried everything. I kicked him, I punched him (he punched me back, _in his sleep!_), I pulled the covers off of him, I pulled his hair, nothing worked. So, I sat down on a chair next to Sirius's bed and sighed.

"What the bloody hell?" Sirius said, sitting upright in his bed. "I had the strangest dream! I was in this fight with a bloody muggle gang member and I couldn't find my wand! He kicked me and punched me—although I punched that one back. Then it began to get cold and it started snowing. Then he began to play dirty and pulled my hair. Then I heard a stir in the dormitory and I woke up."

Yeah it was a stir, I remember thinking as I sat there, breathless from trying to wake Sirius. He wants to sleep his life away, that one does, and refuses to ever get up.

"Well…" I smiled. "Come down to the common room with me. No one will be there. I need to talk to you about something that's been weighing on my mind."

We walked down to the common room, me in front of Sirius. I sat down on a couch, and Sirius paralleled me, on the couch opposite of mine.

"Before you start… I have to tell you something," Sirius proclaimed. Thinking it was something about bedding a girl, or pulling "the best prank ever" of that week, I nodded and leaned back, resting my head on the back of the couch.

"I finally got balls enough to ask Lily out," he said, smiling. My eyes widened and I sat up straight. "Hogsmeade, next weekend. I'm super-psyched. Sorry, just wanted to add my little bit. So what was it you wanted to talk about?"

"Exactly that," I responded. "Ev-Lily." It was hard to say her name after calling her Evans for so long. However, her name is very lovely and, though it doesn't look like it, her name suits her. She smells good, she's beautiful, she's dainty, and she's delicate. "What the hell are you trying to pull?"

"What do you mean?" Padfoot asked, questioning look on his face.

"You know exactly what I mean." I looked around to make sure the deserted common room was still abandoned. Then I whispered, "The bet."

"I had forgotten all about that," Sirius said innocently. I sneered.

"Of course you did. And I forgot how to turn into a--"

I stopped mid-sentence.

"Did you hear that creak?" Sirius asked. I nodded.

"Anyway, there's no point in arguing about this. Even though the other person is a lying sack of--"

"Yeah and you're a no-good, womanizing--"

"Hey, now. Take a look in the mirror, buddy," I said and we exploded in a fit of laughter. It had all been a joke—the name calling thing. I'm still not sure if Sirius forgot about the bet or not.

"Anyway," Sirius starts. "I wanted to talk to _you_ about Lily."

"What about her?" I ask, startled at the conversation turning it's back on me.

"Well, I know you have a crush on her, and I like her too, and I don't want this to ruin anything between us."

"I told you it was fine. I'm OK with it all, In fact, I'm happy for you," I responding, feeling as if I faked my smile, for some odd reason.

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked, an earnest look upon his face.

"Yes. Positive. It is only a crush, after all. It's not like I fancy her. You do, don't you?"

There was a long silence. Sirius stared into the hot coals of the fire that used to be, as if he were zoning out. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to fill the awkward silence, but I had no idea how to.

"Do you fancy her, Padfoot?" I asked again, hoping for an answer this time. Even a nod or something would have eased my anxiety that I somehow had over this entire conversation.

"Well, I mean… _Yeah_, I really do."

"Then you should go for it. I'm happy for you." Insert another fake smile here. What's with all this fakeness? I'm not usually like this around friends. Maybe it was just a mood swing thing, or something.

Sirius smiled back at me and it almost made me feel guilty for having told him white lies like, 'I'm happy for you,' and 'go for it.' I felt in the wrong for lying, but lying is my specialty. It's what I'm good at. And it damn well takes one to know one. This is the motto I live by.

We performed our secret handshake to the couches and the no longer glowing coals, and then I headed upstairs.

"Alright, I'm going back to bed," I called over my shoulder.

"OK. I can't sleep. I'll see you later."

I made it sound like I went up the stairs, when in actuality, I stayed on them, waiting to see who made that creak earlier. I had some strange ironic feeling that it was Evans. Blame it on my big head, if you will, but I couldn't leave until I found out who it was.

I heard Evans's light voice and Sirius talking back to her. I watched them snuggle on the couch, his arm around her shoulders.

I grew angry for some odd reason. I was angry because Sirius was ruining the bet. There was NO way I was going to lose. Bets are my calling. There isn't anything I won't do if you dare me.

I went up the rest of the stairs fuming, and I called my broom to me through the open window near my bed. I grabbed a box hidden under my bed. It's a magical box only I can open with my wand. I strapped it on the back of my broom and I silently—well, as silent as riding a broom can be—flew out the window.

I rode a long time, thinking about what had happened since I returned to school this year. So many things had changed. Even I had changed and I'm the kind of person who hates change.

I found so many changes in myself already. I found that my posse following me around grew annoying and embarrassing. I found myself not swooning for girls that were easy to bed or the most popular witch in school. I guess a lot has altered for me over the summer and I feel that these alterations are for the best. Turning fifteen has improved me and taken me away from my immature boy stage. Well maybe only a little, but that's okay, right? Every one needs fun and I'm just the person to give it to them. Who else would liven up Snape by changing his black hair and clothes into something more fun, attracting, and colorful?

Anyway, thoughts such as these whizzed back and forth through my head like a ping pong game. Then Lily's smiling face came into my mind. I lurched forward at the sight of it and almost fell off of my broom.

Doing a few twirls in the air, by the moon to calm myself down, I flew a little farther and decided that I was in desperate need of what was in my special box. I landed my broom on the roof and set it down in a way so that it would not fall off.

Unstraping the box from my broom, I opened it, whispering the "magic words." I took something out of the box and then I opened what I had taken out.

I sat there, enjoying my special stash, watching the moon go down and the sky turn brilliant colors as the sun came up. I had forgotten that it was so early. But it was technically Sunday, so I was alright.

Fingering the bottom of my broom, I stared off into space, not thinking about anything at all. It was the most amazing feeling I'd ever experienced in my life. Even better that sex was a clear mind!

All of the sudden I was torn out of my trance by a voice behind me. I didn't jump, but I was startled and I turned. I could not believe who it was, standing before me in a black lacey night gown.

"You going to finish that all yourself or can you spare just a teensy bit for someone like me, who obviously needs it?"

**Author's Note-** Who is it?! Review and let me know who you think it is! Sorry... this is so late. I had it ready, but I kept thinking I already posted it for some reason... anyway, here it is, as promised, this week at the latest. I'm working on the nextchapter of MD, but I don't think that that will be up next week. If not, definately the week after. I'm working hard on it! Then there will be a couple of weeks where I'm not writing FOF, TTT, or MD because I have other stories I'm working on that are not posted.

Anyway, that's the end of my rambling. How did you like it? Who do you think this mystery person (hopefully a girl in the lacey nightgown!) is? Let me know and please let me know in a review. Much appreciated. Thanks to those who reviewed and I send love to the readers of my crappy writing!

xDreamerx


	3. RELATIONSHIP

**Chapter 3—R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P**

**November 2****nd****, 1979—Common room (Continued)**

"You going to finish all that yourself or can you spare a teensy bit for someone like me, who obviously needs it?"

She was beautiful. Her long hair crawled down her shoulders. Her bright eyes sparkled with interest. She was a Slytherin.

It was Lily's friend Liz in all her Slytherin glory.

"What ever happened to remaining loyal to your house?" I asked as she sat down next to me.

"That's for assholes like Lucius Malfoy. Aren't you Gryffindors all noble and shit and want inter-house relations?"

"Some of us." I poured her a drink.

There was a few moments of silence and she and I kept refilling our drinks. Then she spoke and her voice was heavenly and soft. It made me feel unworthy just to hear her speak.

"You know, a few more drinks and you might start to look good."

"A few hundred and so would you," I replied, smirking. She rolled her eyes and pushed me.

Time passed and we were soon awfully drunk. She looked good, but then she had never looked bad when I was sober.

We talked a great deal about whatever came into our minds—You-know-who, school, friends, significant others, Lily Evans…

However, it was not the talk of Lily Evans that intrigued me and made me think twice, it was the talk of You-Know-Who.

Liz, being a Slytherin and I expected to hear from her that the Dark Lord was priority and above all, Excellency. Although, despite my house related discriminations, she is not at all what I expected.

Yes, she has evil Slytherin qualities—she is conniving, a tad self-absorbed, and quite a bit of a bitch, but she also inherited some qualities that I look for in a mate. She's easy to talk to, and, from what I can tell, on "our side" as far as the whole You-know-Who war.

As the drinks continued and we became incredibly and unbelievably drunk, I did something that I would not have hesitated in doing when I was sober. However, I did falter because I was drunk.

I kissed her.

She paused, lips inches from mine. Then, she kissed me back.

We made out for awhile and a little further, but I didn't 'bed' her, or in this case, 'roof' her. It didn't seem right and in that moment, though I had thought of doing in many times in the past, and I didn't want to. I can't explain it and it's totally unlike me, but it just didn't feel right.

"Accio blankets," Liz called out, breaking away from my neck, wand in hand. After about five minutes of just sitting there, catching our breath and waiting for the blankets to come, they flew on top of us and we resumed what we do best. Twenty minutes later we were fast asleep.

I woke an hour later, fully sober. I woke Liz and she was still drunk, so I flew us down to ground level and walked her back to the Slytherin tower.

And well, here I am, tired as all hell and a little regretful of my night.

Just a little.

But my night is a secret. I will tell no one and I expect the same from her, likewise. This wasn't supposed to happen and well, she could bloody well have a boyfriend for all I know. I never wanted to get mixed up with Slytherins in the first place and now that I have, I would rather not like to repeat my actions. I'd rather hush it all up because it was a moment of vulnerability since I was not acting myself. What would Sirius say if he knew I had the chance to bed the Slytherin Princess and didn't?

**Wednesday November 5****th****, 1979—Astronomy Tower, 10:49pm**

What the bloody hell is the world coming to?

Sirius and Evans are in a RELATIONSHIP.

R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P

He doesn't even know the meaning of the word!

Yes, Sirius Black who "out bed" me over the summer in a 'who can bed the most girls' bet. Sirius who lost his virginity almost the moment he stepped into the Hogwarts castle. (I'm exaggerating of course, but seriously. Sirius?)

It's utterly ridiculous. It's impossibly illogical. It's bloody fucking mad.

Rumors are even going around about them. Rumors! I would have never thought in my whole fucking life… Lily Evans!

Alas, I have not yet been pronounced King of the world, so I must put up with what I must. I do not yet have control of every human being, so I must let things fall where they may and let people make their own choices. Damn it.

So earlier today, I was on my way to the Great Hall, having awaken slightly late into the morning and was rushing to get there to grab _something _before it all disapparated into thin air.

On my way to the Great Hall, I heard the unmistakable sound of someone crying. How could I just leave someone like that? They were probably by themselves and bawling like a three year old. I rounded the corner and the weeping came louder and then stopped. When I found the source of the noise I discovered two people instead of the one I had originally planned to save.

To my surprise and delight it was Lily Evans with the girl I took to the Halloween Ball. From the looks of it, it had been Lexi crying and Evans was supporting her in what appeared to be slumber.

"Do you need help, Evans?" I asked innocently, wanting to be her savior.

"Not from you," she retorted. That one has a mighty temper.

"I'm just trying to be nice. It's not only my charming looks that girls swoon over." My mind immediately went to what happened with her Slytherin friend. I felt guilty, like I had betrayed someone's trust.

"Well, why would you be nice to me?"

"I don't want to be nice to you. I just saw you struggling and being the gentleman that I am, I know it's my duty to help."

"I don't need any help from you," she sneered as if she really, truly loathed me.

"Fine, suit yourself," I said, beginning to walk away.

Really! If she was planning on being so stubborn about this, hadn't she ought to grow some muscles so she can do it on her own? Evans was infuriating! Why couldn't she simply accept the help? It's not like I required anything in return. She's such a stubborn little bookworm!

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Evans struggling with Lexi, but I would not help her this time. She had to ask for it now. I will only offer once.

"Potter!" I heard her say, breathlessly. "Potter! James!"

I began to run back over to her as soon as she called my name. By the time she called me by my first name, I was back to her and I lifted Lexi easily off of Evans. By that time, Lexi was awake, and I quietly told her that I was sorry, but could she please walk herself back to the Gryffindor Tower so I could get things sorted out with Lily?

I kneeled next to Lily and her eyes fluttered, then opened.

"Lily?" I called out. She closed her eyes and I began to feel that she was drifting off into unconsciousness. "No, Lily!" I put my hands on her face in an attempt to wake her. Her skin is soft and, I noticed at that moment, very pale.

"You scared me," I said truthfully, and it's then that I noticed my face was just inches away from hers. I moved backwards slightly, because I was uncomfortable being that close, but I didn't want her to think that she grossed me out or anything.

Lily attempted to smile, but it came out distorted as a result of her pain.

"Thanks," she said in a small voice.

"Any time. I was really worried, you know. I thought you had fainted or something."

Why did I say that? Why did I tell her I was worried about her? I'm supposed to not care about her. I was probably just unconsciously being nice because I knew I had to bed her.

"Yeah… Where's Lex?"

"I woke her up and she went back to the common room."

"Thanks."

"Okay, you ready to stand up?" I grabbed her hands, small, soft, and dainty to my large, hard, and callused ones, and helped her to her feet. Her legs began to crumble away underneath her and I slide an arm that seems to fit all too perfectly around her waist. When she was stable, I let go quickly as her soft, warm flesh rubbed against my arm, leaving a tingling feeling where it had touched. It caused a strange feeling inside of me which I can only assume is me starting to like her as a person.

"Do you need me to carry you?"

"You couldn't lift me."

"Wanna bet? It's not only my kindness and looks girls swoon over." I put an arm around her waist and one behind her knees and lift her without breaking a sweat. Is it me, or is she starting to get really skinny?

She stared into my eyes and I can't believe how beautiful her emerald orbs are. I've never seen them so unguarded and vulnerable—like a real human being and not a robot with no feelings. They shimmer and sparkle in interest and she seems to be unable to look from my eyes as I cannot from hers. There's a connection there and I can't explain it.

Then, I notice her lips. They're the perfect shade of pink and look incredibly soft to the touch. They're not cracked or dry, but moist and supple. I wonder what they'd feel like against mine.

But that's just the Galleons talking. I want this accomplished so badly that I'm doing an excellent job acting the part.

Right?

Of course.

Anyway, we walk back to the common room, and I keep an eye on her, waiting for her to drop unconscious any second.

"Is she okay?" I ask. "What happened?"

"Well, I don't know if she wants you to know…" Lily started, an admirable caring in her voice. "Her family was one of the ones killed in the attacks."

I hadn't read the newspaper that day, but it didn't take me long to suspect another attack by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Lily had tears in her eyes and I felt a strange emotion in me which I can only pass off as pity.

"Oh," I replied quietly. "I'm sorry."

Because there was really nothing else I could say. I haven't had much loss in my past and I'm not entirely sure how one deals with it. If my parents were murdered, merlin forbid, I would… die. My world would end. I wouldn't know how to go on without them. But, I suppose, being the only heir to the Potter fortune, I would have to go on and most definitely seek revenge on the sole person who murdered them.

We arrived back in the common room, and I racked my brain for something to say. What could one really say in a situation like this?

Sirius called out to me and I smiled at Lily and walked over to him. I found it strange that she did not respond or give any notice that she had heard when Sirius called out to her.

And I felt terrible and still do, because there was really nothing I could do. There was nothing I could say to make her feel better and for some reason I cared about her feelings.

James Potter, Head Marauder, going soft. As if!

**Friday November 7****th****, 1979—Home, 11:13 pm**

Yes, I'm home. Recent events involving You-Know-Who have lead children back into their own homes instead of the Hogwarts castle. Hopefully, these arrangements are just temporary.

Remus is over and we've just had a lovely conversation about Lily Evans, of all people. He is asleep now, the great oaf, so I figure I have a moment to write down the interestingly informative conversation.

Remus, I have come to find out, is a friend of Lily's. He is a small role in her life story, but a friend, no less, which means he knows loads more about her than I could, at the distance Lily and I are from each other.

Remus, who has been against this bet from the beginning, made it blatantly obvious that he still does not support this 'bedding' of the Slytherin Princess, so to speak. However, he is thoroughly convinced that when I get to know Lily, I could never treat her as horribly as I'm planning on by bedding her and maintaining that it is meaningless. I am, however, not thoroughly convinced.

We were casually talking about people at Hogwarts and of those mentioned were Lily's friend Liz (I kept my secret though!), Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, and Lily herself.

Remus and I had just finished an exceptionally amusing conversation on Snivillus when Remus's words startled me out of recognition.

"Lily Evans," he said with a straight face.

"Lily Evans?" I repeated.

"Lily Evans," he confirmed.

"Sirius Black," I challenged. He laughed.

"What do you think of Lily Evans?"

"What do you mean 'what do I think of her'? What do you think of her?"

"I think she's misunderstood," Remus said, and I couldn't suppress my laughter.

"Yeah, you could say the same about a murderer."

"She's not a murderer."

"Says who?"

"Prongs, she's not as bad as she may seem."

"And hell isn't as hot as it seems, Moony."

"I'm serious. I know she seems like a hard ass bitch, with no place in Gryffindor, but she has as much a place there as you or me."

"And what brings you to that conclusion?" I ask, sarcastically, not believing a word he was dishing out.

"Because I know her, Prongs. On the outside, she's a Slytherin, I'll admit. However, on the inside, she's every bit a Gryffindor. She's kind, and caring, deep, and courageous, independent, while still knowing the meaning of a friendship. She's a good mate, Prongs, and I'm really glad I know her. You should get to know her too. I know you'd really like her and see that you could never treat her as badly as you're trying to. She's a witch, just like you and me. She has feelings, she just keeps them inside, trying to be strong for others. We've had deep conversations and she has opinions on life issues. She's just insightful and unfathomable."

"Sounds to me like you fancy her, mate," I said, trying to push away the yearning to get to know Lily.

Remus smiled, but didn't utter a word. He was very private on matters of the heart and would never give away what he really felt.

Leave it to the deep Remus to lock his heart up and throw away the key.

I regretted my words as soon as I said them, for it seemed to cause Remus great pain to hear aloud.

"Look, Moony, I didn't mean--"

"You fancy her, don't you?"

"What? Of course not! She's with Sirius and, well, I--"

"Fancy her."

There was silence.

"Bloody hell, Moony."

And that was that.

**Sunday, November 9****th****, 1979—Godric's Hollow, 8:53 am**

Damn it's early. We're heading back to Hogwarts today. Yes, it was an insignificant and pointless visit, but it was nice all the same to see the 'rents and have a vacation to think of new pranks to pull on the Hogwarts population.

Soon, we'll be on our way to the platform to get us back to Hogwarts before the day is through.

So…

I never really gave much thought to what I would do after school, but it's a topic that keeps on coming up in my household and it's really starting to concern and irk me.

Hogwarts is my home. It's more of a home to me than Godric's Hollow has ever been and I'm not entirely sure if I'll be able to handle it out there with You-Know-Who. I'm not scared, just… Yeah, I'm scared. But this is the reason no one else will ever read this—inside I'm weak and pathetic. Inside, I'm soft. Inside, I really do care.

It's just that, I've been sheltered for so long. Hogwarts is the safest place around and next to it is Godric's Hollow. I've never been exposed to the real world because everything I want has a way of coming to me. My life is unsatisfying. It's the same routine, day in and day out. The people are the same, no one's unique, no one stands out. Their personalities all mush together and they're not important enough to identify. Everyone I meet, it's like I've met them before.

Except one person. This person keeps me on my toes. This person catches my eye and is somehow always found in the edge of my mind or the tip of my tongue. This person is matchless and attractive. This person is appealing and exciting. This person is remarkable and attention-grabbing.

Bloody hell, I fancy Lily Evans!

**Author's Note:** Soooo Sorry…. It's a little late, I know, I know. Don't be angry! –cowers- It's here isn't it? Um, hope you like it. I just finished writing it tonight, so read up and next will be MD… I'm going to post the next chapters of TTT and FOF on the same day so it won't be so confusing, so… yeah. MD is what I'm going to start working on tonight and I hope you liked it! REVIEW please!

xDreamerx


	4. Concerning Lily Evans

**Chapter 4—Concerning Lily Evans**

**Friday November 14****th****, 1979—Hogwarts Gryffindor common room 11:57 am**

So I am fully aware that Lily and Sirius's relationship has "hit the rocks" so to speak, and now that I have discovered my feelings for Lily Evans, I feel that I am finally ready to proceed with the bet.

Maybe I don't fancy Lily if I'm still thinking of winning the bet. Maybe it's just that I want to win my bet so badly, that I try to make myself think that I like her so that it'll be easier to win the bet.

Damn, I hate when Remus is right. He's going to hold this over my head forever.

So, while I was at home, apparently Lily and Sirius got into a fight about, of all people, Chasity, the Slytherin whore. Can't say I've had the…_pleasure_ of bedding her, and I can't say that I'll ever want that, um, _pleasure_.

As Sirius tells me, something happened with The Whore and he ended up cheating on Lily, he thinks. He doesn't remember it at all, so The Whore could be making it all up, probably is because Sirius has never gotten so drunk that he hasn't remembered what he's done.

I'll get the truth out of that little slut.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to fly around and think. I've got a lot on my mind these days concerning Lily Evans and I just need to find out what the hell is going on inside my head.

**Saturday November 15, 1979—Common room, 11:43 am**

So yesterday during the day, I was out flying when I notice a small red headed girl sitting by the tree next to the lake and I wonder if it's Lily Evans.

Maybe I just had her on the mind and I was seeing her everywhere, like that dream I had when a million Sirius's were taking over the world.

I land on the brown grass and walk slowly over to this girl. She was beautiful. Her face was abnormally pale, and well, that wasn't very appealing, and her eyes were losing water, and that was a bit sad, but she looked… different.

It took me a moment to realize that it was Lily with no make-up on. I had never seen her without makeup and she was stunning. Besides the fact, of course, that she was small and her bones appeared to be sticking out jaggedly and her eyes sparkled like emeralds, only they sparkled with tears.

"Lily?" I called out softly, wondering if she heard me. She jumped as soon as the words escaped my lips and she looked at me, loathing written across her face. Or was it jealousy? Maybe brokenness?

All I know is I felt horrible for disturbing her in such an inmost and guarded moment.

"Didn't you go home?" She asks as I sit down next to her. She wiped her eyes in what seemed to be fury and looked at me, almost inviting me to be a figment of her imagination.

"Well my family finally came to their senses and realized that the safest place for me was the place I just left. Right here with my friends."

Lily smiled and the sight of it made me break out into one myself. I love her smile… Wait! What am I saying? It's not like I'm in love with her. She's just pretty, that's all. She has nice eyes, soft hair. She's just like everyone else in this school. She just happens to look unique. Now, I'll just stick to the facts of what happened and add no feelings, alright? Alright.

Her smile turned sad as she looked at the ground and I broke mine, feeling as if I'd said the wrong thing. I could never win with her. Somehow, I was always the bad person, or I'd always say the wrong thing. It wasn't like that with other girls, but for some reason it always was with Lily.

"So…" I start off softly, trying the salvage the rest of this conversation. "What happened while I was gone?"

For some unknown reason, she blurts out what happened the whole week, everything from finding out Sirius supposedly cheated, to telling her friend, the one I took to the ball… what is her name?... she told her friend that she was a horrible friend after her parents were killed by, god damn it, You-Know-Who.

You know what? I'm tired of calling him You-Know-Who! I'm sick and tired of everyone being afraid of one person. So what if he's a good wizard? I bet I'll be better in two years, if I'm not better now, and I'll beat his ass. I'm so sick of his name invoking fear in innocent people, so you know what? I'm going to say it. Voldemort! VOLDEMORT!!! There. How do you like me now.

Ahem. Back to the story…

Lily ends with the traditional, I don't know what to do and tears now gush from her eyes (not her beautiful eyes, just her eyes.). "I don't even know why I'm crying right now!" She exclaims, tears still running like a jogger on marathon day.

I'm not sure exactly what to say, so I put my arm around her in what I hope she thinks is a soothing manner.

"Lily, sometimes it's okay to cry. I even cry sometimes," I tell her hoping she buys it.

"Yeah, I'm sure James Potter sits around the fireplace with a pint of _Ben and Jerry's_ and bawls his eyes out."

Who the hell are Ben and Jerry? After careful consideration my only conclusion is that they are superheroes who cry a pint of water over their enemies. Research still continues.

Then, for no particular reason at all, Lily opened up to me and I rather liked it.

We had decided to go to the kitchen as I've been recently noticing her "watching her weight" and believe me, it's going places! And quickly too! So I accompanied her there so that no one would see her eat; I don't know what girls do. Except for the fact that she continued to refuse food. I tried to force feed her once or twice, but that always ended up in a battle to the death… with toothpicks! Since my failure was evident the moment I started the battle, we decided to talk a walk around the grounds and we stopped at the tree by the lake, my favorite tree.

I started gazing off into the lake, no particular thought upon my head, and I hadn't expected Lily to say a word, but she filled the silence with deep thought, which I knew she was capable of, but had never had any first hand experience with.

"James?" Her soft voice drew my eyes to hers and they met briefly before she turned hers away, tear evident in her eyes. "Do you ever wonder what it's like to, I don't know, not be you? Have you ever wished for one minute, you could be someone, anyone else?" I waited for the rest of it in silence because I knew there was more. "I do. All the time. I mean, with everything… my family problems… friends… I just wish I could be anyone else for a minute and get this tremendous weight off my shoulders. I could leave behind all my problems and not be me. I could have things easy, not that things are terribly difficult for me, but, it's just that sometimes things are… I just wish I could leave; and leave behind everything I've been through. I wish I could go away and never have to deal with any of the problems I deal with now. I wish it could be easy…" Her eyes sparkled with tears as they met mine. She half smiled. "I wish I could fly away."

I know this may sound a tad selfish and immature, but I never really thought of anyone's problems but my own. It never occurred to me that Lily had a frightening and terrible past, locked away in that heart that held so many secrets.

It was this moment in my life that I decided to be friends with Lily. I just want to know her, know what she's like. I've only seen a fraction of who she really is,. Not who her reputation says she is, and I'd really like to get to know more of the hidden side.

As far as the bet… well, let's just say I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

**Sunday November 16, 1979—Hogwarts kitchen 10:48am**

So apparently my usual Saturday morning coffee time with Lily has been rescheduled for Sunday mornings. Only I didn't get the memo. Funny how shit like that works out, isn't it?

After several Saturday mornings of no Lily I decided that the only logical thing would be to try Sundays. She has to get her coffee in sometime; I know her. So the next Sunday comes around and I decided that pulling an all-nighter with the Marauders thinking of schemes to perform this year (It's already a quarter of the way over, and we have no pranks worth mentioning.) deserved a nice cup of chocolatey coffee. And who happens to be sitting there, sipping a cup and reading a textbook? Of course, the lovely Lily Evans whom I have been so inclined to share breakfast with.

It was a quick hello and then she left, as if dying to get out of my presence. I brushed it off as her being embarrassed at venting to me and continued with my coffee and Quidditch magazine. It was a brief moment that we were in the same room together, and she'd probably not even mentioned it to her friends or her diary if she keeps one. I hope she keeps one. And this is not a diary! This is a recollection of my life! People will pay to read this someday! I mean it!

Anyway, she was off her way and I was off mine. It was nothing, really. Don't even know why I mentioned it.

I DO NOT FANCY LILY EVANS!!!!!

**Tuesday November 18****th****, 1979—Gryffindor common room, 7:34pm**

Maybe she placed me under a spell. There are love spells, you know. Maybe she's found a real powerful one and decided to use it against me, because, let's face it, who wouldn't want me? And she's decided that she wants to be popular and the arm candy of the most handsome bloke in Hogwarts (step aside Sirius!) so she's put me under a spell.

I mean, she could have really thought this one out! She reads about it in a book, like the bookworm she is, which by the way, I never understood, and practices on the house elves (she always thought they had horrible working conditions) and she actually put a bloody curse on me.

I don't want to sound obsessed or anything, but let's think about the logistics here. Why would some one as popular and good-looking as I am be falling for, what's that muggle word, a "Goth"? It's not plausible. It's utterly ridiculous. It's, dare I say it, bloody brilliant, but I am a little afraid for my life, if I may say so.

By the way, this entry was NOT about Lily Evans.

**Thursday November 20****th****, 1979—Gryffindor common room, 10:37am**

The thought of love has never occurred to me and I'm not quite sure I know what the word means. It's not that I am finding myself falling in love with anyone, it's just that… Sirius is. And Sirius's love is my "shag-to-be".

It's a strange concept, love is. I guess I've never really given it much thought, but now that I have, I think I've figured out that I have some strong beliefs about it.

I think that I think everyone wants to find love. I think that I know I probably never will.  
After carefully contemplating the entire theory of love, I've come to a few conclusions which I am about to list as I see fit.

I think that love is a lot more complicated than anyone can grasp. I think that it's more than a feeling; it's a way of life. I think that there's no real way to describe it and I think that it something special that doesn't just happen every day.

I think that I hold love as sacred and that I put it on a pedestal—what I'm coming to find I long desperately to have.

Yes, I think I'm saying that I want to find love… eventually. I know that my promiscuous lifestyle is strange at such a young age, however, I'm a man. I think that it's scientifically programmed into me—sex, sex, sex. Although, I think that people use that phrase as an excuse and I don't much like it.

Yes, I enjoy my lifestyle, and yes, I enjoy the sex (which is actually a lot less than everyone thinks), but it's not going to last forever. I _do_ want to find the perfect girl, so to speak, just not right away.

I think that is a gift and should be treated so. I think that love is a responsibility, but I think that it's absolutely the most beautiful thing in the world.

Listen to me. I sound like a wanker. If anyone read this, I would probably have to allow Lucius Malfoy to use me as his own personal punching bag.

I'd probably take my anger out on myself first though, and it would probably be in the form of wedgies and black eyes.

**Saturday November 21****st****, 1979—Common Room, 11:59pm**

We had a match today against Slytherin. I was all for beating those sorry piles of shit, no good wastes of space, but as I was walking out to the field, I overheard two conversations that I know I shouldn't have, but gave me some useful information nonetheless.

The first one was between faceless figures in the darkness of an empty corridor. The voices appeared to be those of a woman and the only other thing that I could tell about them was that there were two of them.

"Is the plan finally put into action?" One vaguely familiar voice asked.

"Of course. Haven't you seen the mudblood moping around like her world has come to an end? It worked flawlessly. Phase one complete. Commencing Phase two. It'll be all ready when She gets here. He'll be singing a different tune by Christmas and it'll all be perfect."

"Perfect. Maybe I can get in there and mess around a little. You know, just for the sake of research."

"They'll be plenty of time for that once He's one of us. This is His destiny. He's a pureblood. I don't know why he chose a different path," the second voice said, more to herself.

"Alright, then. We'll talk more once She gets here. She'll know what to do."

I heard the light tapping of footsteps against the hard porcelain floor and I was left, gaping after them, watching the two figures disappear around the corner—both blonde.

I walked in the opposite direction that the girls had went in, and headed towards the doors to Hogwarts, but something stopped me dead in my tracks.

Lily. Lily Evans. Again.

I had the mind to go up to her and tell her I know exactly what she's doing with putting a spell on me, and that I wasn't going to stand for it any longer, and if she didn't stop I would have to—

And that's where my thoughts ended. Sirius came up behind her and called out her name. I saw disappointment written across her face when Lily realized who she was left to speak with.

I didn't hear all of the conversation, but I heard what I think are the most important parts, which I will record to… to use against Lily Evans one day. Yeah, that's it.

"You hurt me, Sirius. I fell so hard for you and you hurt me," I heard Lily say. If I could have seen her face, I know that shame would be written all over it. She hated admitting her feelings aloud, especially if they were what she called "weak" emotions—this I know for sure. "You know, I didn't want to start anything with you. I didn't want to get involved with you because of your reputation. It sounds so bad, putting it that way, but it's the honest truth. You were known as such a player and I'm not into that. I didn't want to get hurt.

"But then we hung out and talked and you totally didn't seem who I thought you were, who your reputation said you were. Then I was more cautious than ever because I thought it was all an act. I still didn't want to get hurt. When you asked me out the first time, I had to really think about it before I agreed. I really liked you, and promised myself that if I did have something with you, I'd take it slow. I thought I was being so careful to not get hurt, but I guess I was wrong again. You really weren't who I thought you were."

I couldn't help being at awe at this insight into the mind of Lily Evans. Girls are so much more complex than I ever thought, or at least Lily is. She thinks everything through and makes carefully planned moves, or acts impulsively, her emotions controlling her every movement. I was shocked at how like me she was, but more than ever, I was shocked by how fragile she seemed, how breakable she felt.

There was a muffled few minutes where I couldn't hear anything, as they walked farther away, sitting against the wall. I moved closer, but carefully, for I needed this information. I was thriving on it, and dying to hear, inching to know more about the mind of Lily Evans.

"I can't bear to hurt you anymore, and I know I will. I can't handle it if I let you down again and I think I will. I… I want to be your friend, Lily. Can we be friends? I know it'll take a while, but can we try?"

I felt her stinging at his words as he tried to carefully let her down. Sirius had pondered hours on end on what to say to her. He really did love her, as scary as that sounds, and he didn't want to hurt her. Oh, the charm you put on the Hogwarts men, Lily Evans!

Okay. Enough talking like a complete idiot. That's out of my system now.

There were some more muffled words spoken, and then Sirius left, smile on his face, fake smile on Lily's. Then, Lily said something that rang so clear in my ears that I still cannot get it out of my head.

"I love you, Sirius…" She said. "But I don't want to."

And that was the moment I knew everything was going to be different.

They were in love, but apart, which raises several questions in my mind.

Why does love hurt so badly, so completely, so entirely that it drains your being of emotions and feeling?

Does love mean never having to say you're sorry?

If love is so hard to find, why do people find themselves falling faster every day for someone who is not the one?

And, why, when you fall in love, must you leap blindly, only to hit rock bottom and have things worse off than they already are?

**Author's Note--**I know, I know. It's been several weeks, and I'm very sorry. I lost my job and got a new one, and school is stressful, and I've just been working a lot. I know, I know. No excuses. But I figured I'd jsut throw them in there in case we were taking them today. Anyway, thank you to my sole reviewer for last chapter...

**purplepanda7**--Thank you so much. It feels so good to hear some encouragement! I was thinking of stopping this story because I wasn't getting much reviews, but I'm glad someone likes it! Thanks, again, and keep reading!

Thank you for reading and keep reviewing! Next is Masked Denial, and I decided that I'm not putting a time frame on when I'll have it up. I'll just say it'll be as soon as I can, so keep looking for my update! I am going to start it tonight, though.

Okay, thanks and keep reading!

xDreamerx


	5. How To Save a Life

**Chapter 5—How to Save a Life**

**Sunday November 21, 1979—Common room 8:23 am**

So, after the game, there was, of course, a party in the common room. I wonder if the world would end if I, James Potter, and the Marauders didn't have a victory party. Interesting contemplation.

There was Firewhiskey, strip poker, and hooking up. I felt obligated to hang out with Lily, since she was publicly thrashed by Sirius, so I spent time with her at the party. Hey, I can be nice when I want to be!

The party was already thriving when Lily entered, and I gestured her over to me. She smiled and seemed to float on air over to me. I wonder how girls do that. They always seem to be not picking up their feet, and just gliding through the air. Note to self—do research on girls. No problem. I might just have to examine each one up close and personal. It could take hours for each one… _This_ is a real job. _This_ I could actually be good at.

"Great game out there," Lily said as soon as she reached me. I smiled and ran a hand through my hair.

After thanking her, I decide that I hadn't had nearly enough to drink. I asked her if she wanted something and she nodded.

Shoving through the overly-crowded room, I made it over to the drink table. It was incredibly swarming with people even from other houses. I grabbed two clear-colored drinks in, what I am told, are the traditional red plastic drinking cups for muggle parties, took a deep breath, and plunged back into the mob.

When I reached Lily and handed her the drink, she raised her eyebrows at me. I told her it was Firewhiskey and she surprised me. I figured the dark Lily Evans would be a drinker. I guess you really can't judge a book by its cover. But she's a _girl_… I'm so confused. I never really got that muggle phrase.

I dragged Lily off into a corner where there was less noise and began to speak to her, confused at who her image says she is, and who she really is.

"Lily," I said. "I don't want to make you do something you don't want to do. You don't have to drink this. I can get you a butterbeer if you want."

"Oh, I've had drinks before," she said. It was my turn to raise my eyebrows. "A lot, actually. I'm just surprised you, of all people, would drink. I never thought you were the type. I'm shocked, really."

I'm not going to lie, I was embarrassed. Being James Potter, my image is all I am. What people think of this handsome piece of man means a lot to me, and for someone to think I'm not a drinker implies that I'm a "goody-goody" and that is definitely something James Potter does _not_ want to be a part of. I opened my mouth in shock and Lily roughly grabbed the drink from my hand, chugging it down.

So, not necessarily of course, but still a fact—Lily gets drunk. I found it really hard not to find this whole situation extremely hilarious. There I was, a drunken Lily Evans in my custody, with the tainted mind of a Marauder. It was hard not to take advantage of the pretty little (not quite) Slytherin Princess.

By one in the morning, I was feeling very frustrated with Lily and a little awkward, seeing as Lily had kissed my cheek a total of seven times, and my lips a total of two. I knew she wouldn't remember it when she woke up, and resolved not the mention it for the benefit of the both of us. We weren't even really friends, let alone more than that.

And then something strange happened to me: I started to wonder what it would be like to date Lily Evans. And a bizarre feeling erupted inside of me and I can't explain it. It definitely wasn't me _fancying_ Lily, but perhaps it was me liking her. I began to see her in a different light. I began to see her as a person, not as something to be conquered. And that's when I knew that I had lost the bet with Sirius from the beginning of the year. I just couldn't go through with it, not after seeing Lily so painfully hurt and having to drink it all away, not after seeing her as a human being.

Lily pulled me into a slow dance to the song blasting into the magically silenced room. I supported her with my hands around her waist, knowing she was too intoxicated to hold herself up. I had really done it this time. Why had I let her get so drunk? This was my fault that she couldn't balance herself and it would have to be me that she would deal with in the morning.

"Lily," I said, in an effort to try and smooth things over with her. "I'm glad you came. You could have said this was against the rules and shut it all down, but you didn't and that was really… really cool of you."

"You don't know the real me then! I hate my prefect badge! I'm practically an alcoholic! I like painkillers… and fire… and knives…" She laughed. She _laughed_.

I cannot begin to describe what I felt when she revealed this to me. I believe she meant what she said, because when you get drunk, stupid shit tumbles out of your mouth, and a good amount of it is true.

It never occurred to me that Lily was suicidal, but then again, I'm sure she doesn't dress darkly and wear her make-up so dark for her health. Now that I think about it, I have never seen her in a short sleeve shirt. Granted, I've never seen her in the summer, but still. We stay at Hogwarts until June, and it gets pretty hot.

I remember briefly wondering if she had ever hurt herself, but the thought is almost completely wiped from my mind when she fainted in my arms.

Lily got black out drunk.

Personally, I have never been black out drunk, but I know from Sirius that when you black out, you don't remember what you did, you can't control yourself, and you usually pass out.

I think Lily did all three of these.

Remembering my thoughts of her hurting herself, I lift up the sleeves of her shirt and was shocked.

The skin was… raw. Cuts framed the main vein in her arm and they looked fresh. Not fresh like she had just done it and it was still bleeding, but fresh like it had been done that day.

She had hacked her arm to bits. The scabs didn't even have time to turn brown with age—they were the color of blood, looking just barely dry.

And I was angry. How could she do this to herself? Didn't she see that she had everything to live for? Didn't she know what a beautiful, amazing person she was? Didn't she see she was slowly killing herself? Didn't she know she was killing those around her? Why did she like to hurt so much?

And then it occurred to me that no one knew about this. It scared me how Lily was a pro at hiding it, and I wondered how long she had been hoarding this information. I wondered how long she had been trying to kill herself.

Because that was what she was doing, slowly.

I ran my fingers over the scabs, kissed my fingers, and pressed them to the wounds.

Lily Evans is a mess. But I wanted to fix her. I wanted to give her something to live for, or rather, let her see that she had everything to live for.

I wanted to save her life.

Afterwards, I took her up to the boy's dormitory and laid her down on my bed. I looked at her sleeping; she was so peaceful, but so not her. She was finally at rest, from what I feel like was a pent up need to rest. She looked so beautiful and I couldn't help myself—I kissed her.

I closed the curtains, placing a spell on them to keep them closed and walk back downstairs to the party, which was dwindling. I slept in the common room for a few hours and am about to go check on Lily, who, as far as I know, is still asleep in my bed.

I hope my pillow smells like her.

**Sunday December 16, 1979—Kitchens, 8:30-ish am**

I feel like I've been so busy with Quidditch that I haven't the time to write in this journal. It's not like this journal is my whole life, god damn it!

I'm talking to a fucking notebook.

Things are far as Lily and I are concerned are a little distant. I know she doesn't remember what she did that night, but she has just been keeping her distance from me for a while. Maybe she's just embarrassed that she got so drunk that she blacked out. I'm sure that's it. Then again, I really don't understand girls. They say one thing to your face, and another behind your back. They say one thing and do another, but frankly (who _is_ Frank, by the way?) I can't get enough of them. It's an addiction; I really think it is.

Hello, my name is James Potter and I'm a girl-aholic.

As far as us kissing goes… I think that we were both a little drunk and a little lonely, though I'll never fess up to the loneliness part out loud. That's all there was to it. She's attractive, I'm attractive—it was a little estrogen and testosterone, is all. Just hormones; you know, normal teenage stuff.

I still can't get the things she said out of my head, though. I feel like I want so badly to help her out, but I really don't know what to do, and I'm not about to send her to the Hospital Wing; she would never speak to me again. So, for now, I'm thinking the only thing I can do is just be a friend, which is exactly what I've been doing. _Just_ a friend, because I'm worried about her like a big brother. A big brother who occasionally kisses his little sister on the lips.

Oh, stop looking at me like that.

Oh, right. Notebooks don't have eyes.

I feel like a… what is that muggle phrase… a sex offender.

So, yesterday, I woke up early, feeling like I needed to fill the day with all sorts of important tasks. There were so many things I wanted to do that day, so I jumped out of bed, albeit reluctantly, and went to the kitchens to get some coffee.

After several cups, I decided that I was ready for the day and headed back to the common room. I had a lot of homework to catch up on, so I decided to do that first. I know, James Potter doing homework. The thought sickens me. However, my professors have made it quite clear that if I do not start doing some homework, it is likely that I will flunk out of Hogwarts.

I started to work on it in the common room, when Sirius calls out to me from across the room, walking over in his classy, signature stride.

"Oi! Prongs! I'm going on a date with that babe today. You should come to Hogsmeade with us! I'm sure I can rustle up you a worthy adversary to keep you company."

There was a strange pang in my stomach at the thought of going out with another brainless 'bimbo.' It still confuses me today because the old James Potter would never turn down a date if there was a chance of getting some action, which there always was. I felt strangely then, and found it hard to fake a smile at Sirius's outlandish request for me to accompany him.

"No, mate, that's okay," I responded, hoping he wouldn't ask me why for I didn't believe I could lie to my best friend, and the truth was, I really don't know why I didn't want to go.

"Suit yourself," he replied grinning. "More blonde bombshell for me!" I laughed at Sirius's humor and he walked off.

"James Potter turning down a date?" I heard a voice say and turned to see none other than Lily Evans walking down the stairs into the common room. "What is the world coming to?"

She smiled and my eyes moved from her intense eyes and lingered on her lips, briefly remembering what they had felt like against mine.

And suddenly, my heart jolted. Suddenly, I began to sweat and I think I was turning red. I wished she would just leave so maybe I could stop remembering the time we had had together at the party.

But she was a good kisser

Ignore that. I've temporarily lost my mind.

Anyway, I found myself forcing a smile and she went along her way.

And that was that.

My homework kept me busy until after lunch, and then I decided to take out the Marauder's map, which I haven't looked at in ages, and started to work on that. Realizing that Remus has the brains in our group and that he was in the Hospital Wing because last night had been a full moon, I resolved to go for a ride on my Comet.

The air is like life to me; the speed is my fuel. Ever since I was three and my parents got me my first broom, I've always loved to fly. It's like, what's that muggle word, therapy. I go fly to get away from it all, to calm down, to be myself. I don't have to deal with anyone or anything when I'm flying, and I feel like the air is the only place I can relax and just breathe.

I know that I put on this tough outer shell, but inside I'm really sensitive and, in all honesty, downright pathetic. Sirius and Remus are the only ones who have ever seen that side of me, and I feel like I want someone who's going to bring that side out of me; someone to nurture the breakable side of me, because in the end, no one wants to get hurt. If you don't put those feelings out there, you can't get hurt, and I think that's in a sense what I do. Sure, I like my lifestyle, like I've said before, but at the end of the day, you can't _make love_ to a whore, you can't cuddle with a whore, and you can't tell the whore you love her and really, truly mean it. I think at the end of the day, everyone just wants someone to love that will love and respect them in return.

But enough being emotional. Potters are not emotional! They're strong and tough and that's exactly what I want others to perceive me as.

So, after a lengthy ride on my best friend, I come down feeling rejuvenated and free. Then, just when the warming spell I put on my body is starting to ware off, the clouds cackled and it began to rain.

What the hell is going on, Mother Nature? It was snowing this morning, sunny this afternoon, and now raining? I guess there's a reason nature is a girl—she can't make up her mind!

And so like a girl, too… Can't they just tell you what they want? Things would be so much easier if they just told you how they feel. See with boys, things are very straight forwards. "I'm in love with you," he says. "I have feelings for you," she says. That could mean anything! Girls, they just don't make any sense, and when they do it's about stupid stuff. I give up!

Okay, that's not working out for me.

As I'm rushing back indoors, feeling chilled to the bone, I notice a figure by my favorite tree next to the lake. I squinted, and called out the only name I can think of.

"Lily?" She looked like she was attempting to cross her arms over her chest and when I got up close to her, I realized why. She had been wearing a white shirt and it looked transparent because of the water droplets. I smirked at the situation, finding it hard not to stare. She had definitely filled out from the scrawny little redhead I had met First Year, but as I glanced at her, I noticed her ribs sticking out quite jaggedly and wondered why no one had ever noticed it.

So that's why she wears baggy clothing….

It scares me how, once again, she is a pro. I wonder how long she's been starving herself and it frightens me because it's obvious she's dying, yet no one likes to talk about it.

I opened my mouth to say something about this recent discovery, but her next movements changed the words in my throat.

"What are you doing?" I asked, examining the way she had her hands to her sides and had her head tilted up to face the rain.

"I love the rain," was all she said. I couldn't help it—I smiled.

"It's weird weather," I said, feeling nervous and blurting out the first topic that came to mind. Yeah, _weather_. She really wants to get into your pants after that conversation.

Who said I wanted to get into _her_ pants?!

"It was just snowing this morning, sunny this afternoon, and now raining."

It was then that I noticed shreds of what used to be a bag on the ground and I magically fixed it, sending her things back inside it neatly.

"Thanks," she said, her teeth chattering.

Without a though to it, and I probably should have given it a thought, I walk to her and envelop her in a hug.

"Better?"

"Mmhmm," she responded.

We stood like that a few minutes before it started to become awkward and I suggested that we go inside. Lily whispered a 'thanks' before waving and heading to the girls' dormitory. I just chuckled and head to the boys' for a hot shower and (finally!) some sleep.

**Wednesday December 19****th****, 1979—Divination, noon-ish**

This class is so bloody pointless. If I could see the future, I would probably change it, exerting my free will. But if I change it, doesn't that mean that I never saw the future in the first place? I only saw what could have happened, but didn't. I hate Divination, as you can tell.

Anyway, I just wanted to write about last night.

I saw in a muggle movie, a person grab another from behind and pull them into a closet, so I wanted to try it out; I don't know why. I picked Lily to try it out on.

_She_ found this idea laughable and did laugh, when I told her my reasoning behind it. Bloody girls. Make a fool out of me? I'll show you!

Ahem. Well, let's carry on, shall we?

I told her I had a surprise for her and went to get my broom. A few weeks ago, I wrote about Lily telling me she wanted to fly away, so I said, let me take you away. And that's exactly what I did.

We rode off into the moon, the eerie glow of it shining quite prettily on Lily, if I do say so myself.

I asked her about the things she had told me when she was drunk, and she shrugged them off as "bad drinking habits." I'm not buying it, especially after I had a look at her wrists for myself. I'm still worried, but the only thing I can do is keep her close and not let her stray too far from the path.

And then, well, she fell asleep in my arms. And I liked it.

Maybe, just maybe, being friends with my former enemy Lily Evans won't be quite so terrible after all.

**Friday December 21, 1979—Hospital Wing, 5:47 pm**

I'm not in the Hospital Wing because I'm hurt. I'm here because someone else is—Lily. They say they don't know if she'll ever even wake up.

Lily never made it to Double Potions today. I remember thinking that she overslept or something—anything but what really happened. Now, I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.

After Potions, I headed back to the Gryffindor common room to sneak up on Lily sleeping and explain to her how dreadful Potions was with no one but the Marauders to laugh at our jokes about Snape, but something stopped me dead in my tracks. There was a figure lying on the ground in what appeared to be a pool of blood. All thoughts of Lily went out the window (but not for long) as I reached the body. It was Lily—I could vaguely tell from her make-up. Her hair was soaked in her own blood; her lips were cracked and bleeding; her body was at a weird angle.

I remember taking her pulse and screaming for someone to get a teacher as I cradled her lifeless body in my arms. They carried her on a moving bed to the Hospital Wing, and that's where I've been since.

I'm just scared. I feel like I've gotten close to her so quickly. Only weeks ago we were enemies, and now, I feel like she's the only one who's seen the sensitive side of me. I feel like I can be myself around her, and I don't have to worry about her judging me. I feel like I could… stand still with her if she wanted to, and that that would be just fine.

If I lose that… I don't know what I'll do. She's someone I can be real with and honest to, and yeah, she's a very attractive girl. But, if she never opens those emerald eyes that I love so much, if she never parts those perfect pink lips with her meaningful words, I'll… I'll miss her. I truly will.

I feel like I blinked and everything's different.

And all I know is, things are never going to be the same.

**Author's Note--**So, another quick update! Yay for me! I just want to say that updates will most definately not be this quick, but I've just had a lot of time on my hands recently. So... yeah. Thanks! Let's do those:

Thanks to... NO ONE:-(

You're going to make me cry! -sobs- Maybe I should just discontinue this story if no one likes it... I need some reviews to keep it going!

So... I hope you non-reviewers liked this chapter, and next is Masked Denial.

REVIEW!!!!!

xDreamerx


	6. Sex Acts in the Hospital Wing

**Chapter 7—Sex Acts in the Hospital Wing**

**Saturday December 21, 1979—Common Room, 11:54 pm**

Lily is awake.

I'll admit, I had my doubts that this day would come, but I'm really glad that it has. I'm really glad that she's in my life, as corny as it sounds.

This whole situation of almost losing someone who could potentially become my best friend has really put things in perspective for me. So, I guess, I'll shed some light on the thoughts that have been wandering aimlessly through my head.

Life is so incredibly unpredictable. And humans… we're such fragile, broken things. Some of us, weakness is our strength: take Lucius Malfoy, who happens to be the cause of all this pandemonium. Some of us feed on fear and enjoy every minute of it. Some of us are incredibly twisted people. It disgusts me that someone could do this—nearly murder another human being, while laughing; all the while feeling no remorse. It's unbelievably repulsive. It's disgustingly revolting. It's bloody fucking sick.

And the scary thing is, we could go at any time. Any one of us could be next. I could blink and they'd all be dead. It's fucking terrifying.

And who knows how long we're here? I honestly don't know if it's pre-determined, although, somehow I highly doubt our entire lives are planned out for us. What I say, what I'm doing this very moment could have already set in motion the events that'll lead up to my death.

And then there's the morbid side of me that wonders what it feels like to die. Does it hurt? Do you finally feel relief from this fucked up world? Do you really shit yourself when you die?

There's the old James Potter back!

Anyway, enough being emotional. I don't know what I'd do if someone read this!

So I was there when Lily woke up for the first time—we were all there. It was like someone breathed life into her. She gasped loudly and then her eyes fluttered open. It was amazing. We had been waiting for a miracle, and there it was. I could almost believe that there was someone watching over insignificant creatures such as ourselves.

We all began to speak at once, astonished at this event. She stared at us all like we had just admitted we all had a passionate love affair with Snape and Dumbledore at the same time.

Okay, so that's a little overboard, but she did look at us like we were bloody insane. She looked us up and down and then began to speak.

"Who are you? Where am I? What happened?"

The smile melted off my face. She was playing a joke. She must have been, mustn't she? How could she honestly not remember all the people who made up her life? How could she forget everyone she held near and dear? And most importantly, how could she fail to recall me—the person she'd laughed with, cried with, and gotten drunk with?

"Y-You mean you don't remember anything?" Lily's friend Karly asked.

So, we introduce ourselves. Or re-introduce ourselves, I should say. It's weird, like hi-person-I-have-tangled-tongues-with-and-now-you-don't-know-even-who-I-am. It's downright fucked up.

Anyway, we tell a little about how we know her, hoping something will trigger a memory. Of course it doesn't. Sirius calls Madame Pomfrey into the room to get an expert's opinion.

When the nurse enters the room, Lily sighs and leans back on her pillow, obviously in discomfort.

"Lily will be fine," Madame Pomfey explains to amateur ears. "She has suffered a concussion, but she will be alright. As for what happened, no one knows. When Lily gets her memory back she can tell us all. I have to perform a spell on her twice an hour and she needs to drink these potions, but she will get her full memory back. She will stay here in the hospital wing for as long as it takes her memory to return. It all depends on Lily. Now, all of you get out. My patient needs sleep."

Yeah, I could see her being the Snape of her time in Hogwarts.

So we left, and well, that was earlier today… so I'll write when I know more.

**

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**

Thursday December 23, 1979—Common Room 11:56 am

So, Lily finally has her memory back. I just got back from there, actually. And let's just say, I had an interesting visit with Lily.

I went over there around nine to see how she was doing. I had just gotten back from a horrible "overnight" double date with Sirius, some blonde chick, and another blonde for me. Sirius likes to have these. He made them up, and I swear, I used to think they were a good idea. Now, not so much. Let me just say, what they say about blondes is true—they really are brainless. She spent half the night talking about how she did her hair, and the other half with her tongue down my throat. She wasn't even a good kisser! If you're going to be dumb, at least have something going for you—big boobs, or something! She had absolutely nothing!

And I'm not even that intelligent myself, and don't get me wrong, I have no problem being smarter than the girl. I actually like it so I can "show" her stuff, but this was just ridiculous! I mean, you really have to draw a line somewhere!

Alright, that's out of my system.

Anyway, Lily was really bummed that she was in the hospital wing so I decided to spend some more time with her. She was so upset that all of us, well, had lives of our own, to be blunt, and was seriously missing all her friends, since she was bedridden.

I nonchalantly walked into the room, hiding toast behind my back, not wanting her to be subjected to the horrible mush they call food, and found her, of course, with her homework spread out before her. But she wasn't doing it at that moment. She was stirring the mush, making a face.

"Gross, huh?" I said, catching her off guard.

"James. You scared me," she said.

"I snuck you in some toast."

"Thanks!" She said, biting into it. "Mmmm!"

I sat on the edge of her bed and she tried to be nonchalant in covering herself in the barely adequate hospital gown.

"So, you have your memory back. How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Good," she replied. She was lying. She is so easy to read.

"So, what really happened?" I asked, being serious for the first time in a while.

"I believe that's something we'd all like to know," said a voice from the shadows. The curtains were drawn to reveal the headmaster.

"Oh, professor, would you like me to leave?" I asked, starting to get up. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but after seeing Malfoy flee the scene, I don't know if I'm allowed to be included in this confidential conversation involving Hogwarts students that were not me.

"You may stay," Dumbledore replied. I found it somewhat strange that Dumbledore would allow me to stay when it was obvious someone at this school was the perpetrator. I never do understand his reasons for doing the strange things he does, and I've found it's better not to ask questions. In my experience, you don't really want to know the answers.

Lily takes a deep breath and starts to tell us what happened. She told how she had woke late and was rushing to get to Double Potions. She told how Malfoy had confronted her in the corridor. She described in detail the atrocious ways he had tortured her. When it was over, there was a fire burning in me.

How _dare_ he do such a thing? To Lily, of all people! She is the smartest witch in our year and if anyone deserves to be here, it's her. If anyone deserves to leave, it's that good-for-nothing Malfoy. Just because she's muggle born doesn't change the way she thinks, or does magic, or feels, for that matter. If you cut her, she bleeds the same color as everyone else. I guess Malfoy just wanted a second opinion on that one. Smarmy bastard! I'll kill him.

I glanced over to Dumbledore and his face was as calm as ever. This is not unnatural for him. Dumbledore simply takes in all the information and lets it soak in. He tries to remain neutral, because being headmaster, he can't really pick sides, though I'm sure if he could he would be on Lily's.

All Dumbledore said was 'thank you' as he swept from the room.

I was angry. I was bloody fucking mad. I paced around the room, furiously.

"Lily! He hurt you! He could have killed you!" I half yelled. She sneered. She _sneered_. What the hell?

She didn't yell back, but she wasn't exactly talking flowers and sunshine.

"You don't know how it works with the Slytherins. And why would you care anyway? It's not like we're friends. We were enemies just weeks ago. Don't act like now you're my best friend just because you got to me seconds before someone else would have found me in that corridor and don't you _ever_ act like you know _anything_ about me. I don't know anything about you, and I'm not entirely sure that I want to. Your mind must be an awfully sick place. You hated me just weeks ago and I was perfectly fine hating you. Now you want to be my friend and play mindless games? Let's play then! I bet it's fun to be friends with poor little mudblood Lily!"

By the end of her speech, she was screaming. I towered over her.

You see, when people yell at me, my first instinct is to yell back. So, I did. A lot. And loud.

"How can you be such a bitch? I'm just trying to be friends! What, even the perfect Lily Evans doesn't need friends? It's not a game. Yeah, we were enemies a few weeks ago, but you were dating my best friend. What the hell was I supposed to do? Maybe I shouldn't care, though. You would rather hate me, right? Yeah, well, I _don't_ fucking care! I've got better things to do then spend my valuable time with _you,_ of all people! I know a million people who'd _die_ to be around me!"

"Yeah, half of them being yourself! God, you are so conceited! And a bastard! I don't even know why anyone would ever want to see your ugly face!" She yells in return, smirking.

I smiled an evil smile and she almost looked afraid. Lily Evans, afraid? Didn't think it could ever happen, but I guess I did that. But that's nothing to be proud of. Only bastards like Malfoy are proud of stuff like that.

I don't want to say that she hurt me, because that would be pathetic, but it did kind of hurt. My father left my mother and I when I was young, and it's been so hard… and for her to just call me a bastard… Well, it doesn't feel good, I'll tell you that much.

I walk towards her, an unknown fire burning in my eyes. She closes hers and I put one hand on her wrist, tightly, and another around her throat, loosely.

I know that it might seem that I overreacted, but you don't know how it was—my mom having to work full time, never seeing her, never having any money… well, things are obviously good now… we're far better off now… but it used to be so… difficult.

"You know, I could kill you so easily right now… no one would even know," I whispered, inches away from her lips.

Tears rolled down Lily's cheeks, and I guess the sight of it softens me. I couldn't help myself _again_ (I really need to _start_ helping myself!) and I did something drastic.

"I'm sorry—" she whispered.

And I… kiss her. Again.

Lily's kiss was everything I remembered it to be. Her lips were silky smooth and she kissed with restraint, as if she didn't want to overpower me with how passionate she could be. But I wanted her to.

I slipped my hand around her waist and the other at her cheek, and I deepened the kiss, wanting her to unleash anything she had to offer.

And she pulled me closer.

I pulled away for a breath of air, and saw her smile, before plunging her into another knee-weakening kiss.

Then, after a few moments, the kiss faded into smaller kisses and then I kissed her cheek and then pulled her into a hug, my arms tight around her waist—so tight that her body was pressed completely against mine.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered to her, and I think she knows what I mean.

"I'm sorrier," she whispered back. I kissed her cheek, then her forehead, then her lips one last time.

Less than a minute later, I ended the kiss and walk out of there.

And well, here I am—not really sure what to make of this whole situation.

I mean, we were both sober, so it couldn't have been the firewhiskey this time… So what made me kiss Lily Evans?

I'll have to contemplate this further. I'll write when I know how I feel about my (stupid, not stupid?) actions.

**

* * *

**

Friday December 24, 1979—Boys' dorm, 10:05 pm

I know I said I'd write when I figured out exactly what I think (or feel for that matter) for the lovely, yet mysterious Lily Evans, but it's been a whole day and I still have no bloody idea.

On the one hand, I'm _James Potter_. I could get any girl in the entire school. Why should I go after someone who… who doesn't exactly share my same rank in this school, or even class for that matter? The fact that she is muggle-born has nothing to do with it. It's just that… she's not exactly the most popular chick in Hogwarts… and well, I'm the most popular bloke… it just doesn't add up—her and me. It doesn't really make any sense.

Also, she dated my best friend, and I know for a fact that Sirius was really serious about her. I know that's like an oxymoron, but it really was true. Sirius and I may seem like insensitive jerks, and probably are most of the time, but the truth of the matter is that we have feelings too… we just don't get them involved with girls. It's very rare that a girl has an effect on us, and when this oddity occurs it's not usually a good thing for the guy's best friend to go in and steal what was once his… what he once felt something for… what he once might have loved.

On the other hand, Lily is… luminous. She is so… and she makes me feel… I don't know. Guys don't sit around and talk about their feelings—we take action. And I guess that's what I did with Lily, so does that mean that I fancy her?

Anyway, I've run into Lily once since our occurrence in the Hospital Wing and it was really weird. It was like we both were keeping it a secret—like we both knew it shouldn't have happened. It was awkward and I tried to joke around, but she wasn't biting. She appeared to have a lot on her mind so I let her go, but I still worry about her. I wish I knew if she was going to be okay, or even what I could do to help her… because I care for her, fancy or not, but I care for her… as a person. And I really don't want anything to happen to her.

Anyway, I've gotten my Christmas shopping done a record time this year—one day before Christmas. I won't bore whoever ends up reading this journal when I'm long gone about the details of what I bought for everyone, but I'll just say that it's out of the way.

Well, I'm about to head off to breakfast, and if I'm lucky, things will go smoothly and no one will suspect that something happened between Lily and I. If I'm lucky, no one will know that I kissed my ex-enemy. And liked it.

And I'll leave with one final thought for later contemplation—How can something so wrong feel so good?

**Author's Note:** -cowers in fear- DON'T SHOOT!

I'm so so so so so so sorry it's been so long since I've updated anything! I've been… well, let's just say I've had a lot going on and… to be honest, I'm at a bit of a writer's block with a few of these stories. Plus, school sucks, family complications, and my evil Nazi bosses are taking all my time AND energy… Whew, I'm exhausted thinking about it!

Anyway, I'm incredibly sorry, and, sorry again about the short chapter…I've been really sick this past week so I've had time to write… anyway… I'm at a writer's block with MD, which is next to be updated, but half the chapter is written, and I'm still writing… it won't be 4 ½ months till I update again, I promise.

tricksterbynature—Thank you SO much for your review! I try my best at writing, and I know I'm no JK Rowling, but, Thanks! I think it's easy for me to write this age level, because I am this age level. I'm only seventeen (I know, I'm probably getting a little old for HP, but I can't help it!) and Lily is a lot like me, and James… well, James is just my experiences with the GOOD guys in my life. Kinda what I think everyone wants in their life. JK had her own image of L/J and I have my own too, of what I want them to be, of what I wish they were like, I guess. It's a little AU, I know, but I really like it and like where it's going. I think it's more modern, and I have friends who are "goody-goodys", but they're not half as bad as what we've seen of Lily and Hrm in HP. I don't think that's very realistic, either, no offense to the wonderful JK, and I don't think it's logical either for James, who is said to be the most popular boy at Hogwarts in his time, to trail after Lily like a lost little puppy, begging her for a date. Also, I don't think boys are as one-sided and dumb as they make themselves off to be, at least in my experience they aren't… and well, you're probably tired of reading this long response, so… again, Thank you very much and keep reading!

**AS ALWAYS, KEEP R&R! THANKS!!**

xDreamerx


	7. Fights, Flights, and,,,Fear?

**Chapter 7—Fights, Flights, and… Fear?**

**Friday December 24, 1979—Great Hall, 12:26 pm**

No bloody way!

As if there wasn't more than enough drama among the corridors of Hogwarts, today has just raised it tenfold. Not only were people injured, but tempers were tested and restraint vanished. The tension between houses has just been more than doubled and it was all due to one innocent little Gryffindor.

Well, maybe not innocent, but definitely a Gryffindor, so that kind of implies a certain aura of innocence, right?

Anyway, the Marauders and I were walking to the Great Hall for breakfast with Lily and her friends. I was especially looking forward to it since it would be slightly vacant on account of a minority of students going home for the holidays. We weren't harming anyone in our walk, except maybe our stomachs that were growling in hunger, when all of the sudden a crude voice called to us from behind.

Now, there has always been tension between the Gryffindors and the Slytherins ever since the conflict during the making of Hogwarts between Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin; however, I like to think that this strain has been lessened slightly in the passing years. It's not like we're on civil terms, but we're not at each other's throats at every opportunity either.

So, this voice belonged to the foulest, most disgusting Slytherin of them all, if that's possible: Lucius Malfoy.

"Hey, looks like the mudblood's better," he called out. I could hear the sneer in his voice and when I turned, I was met by an insultingly smug smirk.

Clinging to his arm as if she were glued stood a blonde Gryffindor, who I recognized as one of Lily's friends. By the way she smiled smugly and Lily scowled at her, I could tell that this relationship she had formed with Malfoy had deteriorated their friendship.

To almost everyone, the idea of a Slytherin being involved with a Gryffindor is offensive. I feel that there will always be an unfriendly rivalry between the two houses, even when my children attend Hogwarts, and while I find it particularly odd that these complete opposites would attract, I don't necessarily condemn the relationship. I don't really support it, but you can't help who you fall for or who you are attracted to, and I almost admire the fact that they can over look the house conflict.

Wait, this is _Malfoy._ He must be using her for sex. By the way the blonde (what's her name?) looks, he must be treating her the way he treats everyone else: as if they were scum of the earth.

Malfoy is incapable of feeling anything close to compassion for another human being. Why does she stay with him?

Maybe he's forcing her…?

"Fuck you, Malfoy." Lily recovered from the insult quickly and shot back a couple of her own. "If I were you, I'd be paying more attention to Christine than you are. Have you seen how shitty she looks? No offense to you, of course, Christine. But, just look. She's pale, skinny, and… just looks like horrible. Now, if you paid the same attention to Christine that you do to Liz, then maybe Christine would be in better shape, and you'd be happier too because you'd be getting fucked a lot more from her since it's pretty obvious that Christine will open her legs to anyone who pays her any attention."

There was a long pause in which everyone in the corridor stood gaping, Lily smiled smugly at her response, and Malfoy glared, a bit of what looked like shock glowering in his eyes.

But Lily was speaking the truth. The girl (now I know her name is Christine!) was pale; I took notice that she was almost as pale as Lily, who was abnormally pale, even for her ivory complexion.

"Go to hell, mudblood," Malfoy said, obviously in too much of shock at Lily's words to think of something cleverer to say. However, he equally recovers in a matter of seconds. "Have you seen how fucked up you look? Honestly, look who's talking. You're so pale that the snow is darker, you look dead all the time, that shit you wear on your face makes it look worse, your bones stick out everywhere, and it's so painfully obvious that you hate yourself so you abuse yourself because of it. Fucking slut. It's actually a good thing you abuse yourself. You deserve it. You're a worthless piece of shit and you deserve everything you get. You _should_ hate yourself. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't."

I couldn't believe these words, even from scum like Malfoy. I know that Lily has absolutely no self-esteem and these painfully true words hit her hard.

As if Malfoy's words weren't damage enough, that little bitch Christine found it necessary to put in her two galleons.

"Oh, and by the way, _Lily_? You always looked like shit. You're just a good-for-nothing piece of shit. You're worthless and you'll never amount to anything. Why do you even try? Oh, are you going to cry now? Did I hurt your feelings? Why don't you just go kill yourself? The world would be better off without you. I hope you go kill yourself."

I couldn't help but stare at Lily, awaiting her response. I was fuming at what they had said to her. How dare they tell her she was worthless? Did she not have the highest marks of our year? It infuriated me how it affected Lily and how I knew she was letting their words get to her. I witnessed a tear escape her eyes as she dizzily glanced around the corridor. I began to move toward her to comfort her in any possible way I could when she did something so outrageous, so shocking that I stopped dead in my tracks and stared at the scene before me.

She lunged at Christine, knocking her to the floor. Recuperating from my initial shock, I regained my anger and followed Lily's lead, diving at Malfoy.

It was an all out brawl and for the mere shock of it all, no student attempted to break it up for at least a good five minutes.

Who did Malfoy think he was? Just because he's pureblood, that doesn't make him better than anyone else, especially Lily. She has more class and intelligence than he could ever even hope to have and the fact that he was despicable to her makes me angrier than I have ever been in my life. It just isn't fair: Lily works harder than anyone I've ever seen and still he calls her scum. I'm pureblood and I would never dream of calling anyone that filthy name! If you ask me, he's the scum, and he needed to be put into his place.

About a half hour later, Lily, Malfoy, and I were sitting outside the Headmaster's office, a little bruised, a little bloody, and a lot pissed off. Malfoy glared daggers at me as if this was entirely my fault and I was more than happy to return the fierce look because this was actually all _his_ fault. Lily stared at the ground, terror and a hint of what appeared to be relief in her eyes. She seemed to be in shock as she sat mutely next to me and immune to my hand on hers.

After a few minutes, the door to Dumbledore's office opened and Christine appeared. There was not a trace of sorrow or regret on her face, which was revealed to be back to its pale perfection by Madame Pomfrey. She shot Lily a glare, who didn't catch it as she stared blankly at the floor and the motioned for Malfoy to enter the room. Lily and I were left in the room and I massaged her hand with my in a soothing manner but she didn't look up. After Malfoy emerged, his bloody nose fixed and bruises vanished, Lily and I entered the room together, as if we were walking to get judged for the afterlife. Heaven or hell? I had a feeling it would be hell.

We sat before his desk and Lily seemed to have snapped out of her reverie as she grabbed my hand and held it tightly. Dumbledore paced and this left me even more nervous.

"James," Dumbledore said, and I immediately lowered my head in either respect or shame. "Fifty points will be taken from Gryffindor for this and you will receive detention every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for one month with Mr. Filch. You may leave." I nodded at Dumbledore, gave Lily's hand a squeeze, and walked out. As I shut the door, I pressed my ear against the door to try and listen, but Dumbledore is, of course, smarter and had already put a silencing charm around the room. I had no choice but to wait for her at the bottom of the stairs.

A few moments later, she emerged, but walked right past me as if she didn't see me. She moved around the corner and I heard her collapse in a fit tears. I made my way over to her to comfort her, but as soon as I reached her, she walked away, still not noticing my presence.

I don't know what happened to her, but it must have been something serious. She doesn't seem the type to fret over punishments so I wonder if it's the fallout with someone who used to be her best friend that is troubling her. I can't imagine losing a best friend, especially to the other side, to my worst enemy.

I hope she's okay… I haven't seen her since. No one else has seen her either… Knowing her past… I hope she's not up to something stupid.

**Saturday December 25, 1979—Common Room, 11:26pm**

It's Christmas! It's exciting, but at the same time, there's a nagging feeling in the back of my mind.

Still no sign of Lily. I've seen her friends, though. Her Gryffindor friends seem slightly unconcerned and when I questioned them about Lily's whereabouts they simply replied with:

"How should we know? Why don't you ask the _Slytherins_? She seems to care more about them that any of _her_ housemates."

Well, that clears up any questions I had about how well their friendship was going. Though, I must admit, she has been betraying her house more frequently as of late. I often wonder why she was placed in Gryffindor. She's a complete bitch to almost everyone, most of her friends reside in Slytherin (though how they accept her, I have yet to know), and her appearance hardly reflects that of a brave and loyal Gryffindor.

She has moments, I suppose, of, dare I say it, bravery and from what I've heard from Remus, she is quite loyal. She has some Gryffindor qualities, I'll admit, however, you could say that about the Slytherins as well. They are brave, obviously, having all dabbled in the dark arts, and must be loyal to keep each other's secrets. Yet, something tells me not to immediately write Lily off.

Anyway, I didn't see her at breakfast, but have yet to attend lunch. She doesn't usually attend breakfast anyway, since she normally sleeps though it, however, I think this is weird. No one has seen her in the Girls' dormitory and she's not in the common room.

I haven't seen Remus either, but the full moon was a few days ago and I expect he's still in the Hospital Wing. I would think he would have been out by now, especially since it's Christmas, but I don't keep tabs on him constantly.

Sirius came and left. He woke about the same time as me, we exchanged presents (a new Quidditch magazine; I've already started reading it), and he left, muttering something about meeting someone. Slightly suspicious, I brushed it off, preoccupied with other things.

Anyway, I think I fancy a stroll around the grounds. Not that I'm looking for anyone…

I don't even know why I'm so concerned. It's not like I fancy her or anything.

We're just friends!

Honestly.

She's probably just with the Slytherins.

And I am in no way jealous.

Really.

And I did not fight Malfoy for her.

He had it coming to it. Such a prat… I'm surprised I didn't do it earlier.

Bloody prick.

I hate myself.

**Later—Prefect Bathroom, 2:54pm**

Oh. My. Merlin.

As if things couldn't get any worse, it has, yet again.

I can't believe this has happened. I don't know what to do. The thought of losing her once again is unbelievable. I don't know what I would do if she… I can't even write the words. I feel like I just had this scare only a few days ago and now it's here again. And the worst part? She did it to herself.

I was walking around the castle, heading to the astronomy tower. It's one of my favorite places where I can think and be myself. Prepared to spend time alone, I was surprised when the door was locked. However, it wasn't the easy locking spell we were taught in 1st year, it was more complex. Only someone intelligent would have looked this up and performed it; only someone who really wanted to be left alone. Lucky for me, I, too, had researched alternative ways to perform simple spells, ways that no one else would know. I unlocked it and stepped inside.

"Hello?" I whispered, and hearing no response, I stepped inside. As soon as I did, I was greeted by a sight that will haunt my dreams.

It was an extremely pale figure, covered in blood. My immediate reaction was that this person was dead, but upon closer inspection, I noticed her tiny stomach rising in irregular breaths. The second thing I noticed was empty firewhiskey bottles strewn across the ground and a vacant pill bottle in her palm.

I instantly scooped her in my arms and as I did the hair fell from her face and I recognized the figure I had been searching for all morning—Lily.

My first instinct was to take her to the Hospital Wing, but on second thought, I elected not to. After the way Madame Pomfrey refused to magically heal the cut on her cheek from the fight yesterday, I knew she wouldn't be happy about this. Also, I didn't want to invite everyone into her problems and figured she was in enough trouble as it is and didn't need to add attempted suicide to it as well.

Dear Merlin, she tried to kill herself. I hadn't even realized that before now, but that's what she was doing. The thought alone makes me furious.

Anyway, I brought her here, cleaned her up a bit, though magical healings has never been a strength of mine, and stayed here with her. She hasn't woken up and frankly, I don't know what to do. She is still breathing unsteadily and I suppose is on the brink of death. So I just keep wetting her lips and giving her drinks of water, hoping she'll come-to.

Honestly, I'm scared. What if she never wakes up? What if I never see her beautiful emerald eyes sparkling with laughter, dancing with mirth, or even glowering in insult at me? What if she never tells me I'm a conceited, pig-headed prick ever again? What if she… never kisses me again, with those perfectly soft lips that know exactly how to make me forget my ego and give me shivers down my spine?

Just to be sure, I gave her a soft peck on the lips and seeing them twitch I sighed in relief. Now I intend to lie next to her, enfolding her in my arms, and never let her go. And I'm beginning to fall asleep, so I'll write when I know more.

…And she still smells heavenly…

**Sunday December 26, 1979—Common Room, 11:12pm**

I know, I know, I should be asleep, especially with classes bright and early tomorrow, but somehow, I just can't sleep.

Lily has awakened. She… It would be a lie to say she was fine. I don't think she has ever been fine in all the time I've known her, but… Well, she's alive. She was quite a sight for sore eyes, if I do say so myself. I regret the fact that I wasn't there when she woke up this morning, but after being there all day and night yesterday, I needed to get something to eat. Remus promised to stay with her, looking slightly tired, and a little disheveled, but he's been through the full moon many times before and knows how to deal with it.

I ate more quickly than I ever have, dying to get back to Lily, just to make sure she was… still alive. Just to reassure myself that she hadn't… disappeared in my absence.

I still can't say it. I can't bring myself to even write the words that she almost d… killed herself.

As I returned to the room, I refrained from entering as I heard the unmistakable sound of Lily's voice. I listened outside the portrait, curious as to what her first thoughts were after having been unconscious for days.

"—No one gives shit about me."

"That's not true," Remus replied, worry apparent in his voice.

"It's just so hard. There's so much shit I've gone through and I'm going through so much shit--"

I decided to enter and she stopped speaking as soon as the portrait closed behind me. I notice Lily in Remus's arms, her looking slightly less pale, but even more so than the last time I witnessed her conscious.

"What's going on in here?" I whispered, walking towards the bed.

"Oh, don't worry. We're just having sex." Remus laughed and Lily smiled. It was so good to see her smiling. I was afraid I would never see it again and the sight made my knees buckle and caused me to relive the feeling of her lips against…

I mean… I was happy to see her awake and obviously back to herself.

"Fine then," I joked, turning to walk away.

"Wait, I'm just kidding! Come back!" She said, and I sit next to her on the edge of the bed.

"How are you?" I asked, feeling my face soften at her fragile state.

"I'm good. I'm lying… I'm bad, but, hey, things can't get any worse!" She laughed trying to convince us that she was okay, that she was happy. I stole a glance at Remus and he was as skeptical as I was. "Come on! Lighten up!"

"Lily, you've been unconscious the past three days. You kind of tried to kill yourself. I don't really see how I can lighten up," I said, seriously. I couldn't believe she was being so light-hearted when I had been going out of my mind in grief.

Because she's my friend. Yup, just that.

"Well, she's not dead," Remus said, always the optimist. "So, we can lighten up about that."

"Right! We should celebrate! Drinks all around!" I winced at the fact that that was what brought her to this state and exchanged an uncomfortable look with Remus. "I'm just kidding."

I looked back at her, hardly convinced, but managed a weak smile as I sighed in what I assume was relief.

"I've got to start hanging out with Liz more often."

After assessing that Lily was, well, better than she was, Remus and I released her to get something to eat. She seemed only to happy to be not caged in any longer and as she left, Remus and I let out identical sighs, facing each other.

"I'm worried," I spoke first.

"Well, no shit," Remus replied.

"I mean, I knew she was fucked up, but… I guess I didn't realize what she was capable of. I thought I would never look into her eyes again… I thought…" I sighed again. "I thought she was gone…"

I noticed Remus eye me suspiciously and I raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"You seem to be awfully concerned for someone who used to hate her."

"We're friends! You're her friend. You can't tell me you weren't scared. You can't tell me you weren't freaking out!"

"Well, I was, but, then again, _I'm_ her friend. _I'm_ not the one who made a bet with Sirius about bedding her. She considers me one of her best friends and she's is one of mine. Then again, I don't snog her senseless all over Hogwarts." I felt myself growing pink and looked away.

"I do _not_. It's not like I fancy her or anything! I'm just… protecting my investments. There's, um, no way I'll let Sirius hold this over my head. And she's sweet… fun to be around. We're friends too, and I don't want to lose her any more than I want to lose one of the Marauders."

"Uh _huh_. Whatever you say Prongs," he replied, making me furious.

"Sod off, Moony. I don't have to explain myself to you!"

"Just tell me one thing, James," Remus said smirking and walking towards the door. "If you don't fancy her, what are you getting so mad about?"

Bloody prick.

Anyway, later I met up with Lily who looked slightly better having gotten something to eat. I didn't necessarily want to bring up what had happened or what she had done to herself because I'm still not sure what to make of it all. I don't know what to feel about this, yet I can't help feeling more confused than ever.

"James, thanks for being there for me," she said, her smile looking a little broken. "Thanks for… saving my life."

It never occurred to me that that's what I had done. If I hadn't found her… who knows? She already wasn't breathing regularly when I found her and I feel that it was only a matter of time…

Pushing this thought from my head, I smiled, not wanting her to relive those unhappy thoughts.

"Well, I'm not going to just leave you there!"

"I know, but still. Thanks."

"No problem," I said, enfolding her into a hug.

As she rested her head on my chest, I breathed in the unmistakable scent of Lily. It was intoxicating and I pulled a little back from her, staring into her unbelievably beautiful eyes. My eyes moved down to her pink lips, soft and plump. She licked her lips, looking down and then gazed back up into my eyes. As if possessed by some evil spirit, I swooped down and placed my lips on hers. My eyes fluttered shut as I pulled her closer. I felt her arms pull my tighter and kiss me back with such force that it took me aback. She seemed to use this to her advantage and pushed me against a way with fervor I never knew she could posses.

And well… let's just say we did that for a considerable amount of time.

Anyhow, I'm still not sure what I feel for Lily, or even if I feel anything. I really like her and enjoy spending time with her, and it doesn't hurt that she's a great kisser, but I'm not sure I'd go as far as saying I _fancy_ her.

I suppose I've forgotten about the fact that this all was supposed to be a bet, but now that Remus has reminded me, I'll get right on it.

Seriously.

Nothing's going to hold me back now.

**A/N:** I LIVE!! And am terribly sorry for disappearing all summer. It has been a pretty eventful summer with family obligations such as funerals to attend. Also, it has not been very productive, except in making my room an utter and complete disaster (If it's possible it could have been worse...) Anyway, I apologize a million kazillion times, and beg forgiveness. XD Ahem. Well, I should certainly think thank you's are in order!

**HPdiva301-- **Thanks so much for your review and I hope I haven't disappointed you in the lateness of this chapter! I hope you continue to read! You know, that's the exact thing I was thinking reading L/J fanfics: I wonder what the hell James is thinking! So, by and by, I kind of just started writing some James feelings to get Lily feelings straight, and it just kind of turned into a story! I like it; I think it's funny and it's super fun to write, but kind of hard to get into the mind of a guy, seeing as I am not now nor ever have been, nor ever plan to get a sex change. XD Anyway, sorry for this long response and I hope to hear more from you!

Thanks to all, and keep R & R!! Don't give up on me! I promise updates won't take this long in the future. (And yes, I am quite aware that I have said this in the past, but I intend to make full on this promise!!)

So, next is Masked Denial, and guess what? I've actually started writing it!!

However, it is one AM and I am quite tired from a day at school and being up, so must get sleep! NITE ALL!

xDreamerx


	8. Years Older, None the Wiser

**Chapter 8—Years Older, None the Wiser**

**Friday December 31, 1979—Boy's Dormitory, 4:14 pm**

Yes, it is New Year's Eve, and yes, there is a ball tonight, for which I have a date that is not Lily! It happens to be the girl I'm kind of seeing. And yes, it is next to impossible for me to use the words, dating or girlfriend when referring to myself and another person.

It's not that I don't like her or am embarrassed to call her my g… Damn it, I can't even write it. I think you know what I mean, anyway. But, that's not the case at all. She follows all of my general standards for messing around with girls: she's unbelievably good-looking, a great kisser, and isn't intelligent enough to sense my ulterior motives, but smart enough to carry on a conversation quite well. Plus, she's a Gryffindor.

It's just that… I've always had a problem holding on to girls. I guess that I get bored easily. I need someone who is constantly surprising me and keeping me on my toes and that person doesn't exist. Except maybe if you count Lil…

It's not that I don't want to commit, but I guess it's just in my blood, being a guy. I like to have fun and I'm fifteen, so that's normal. It's not like I'm trying to find my soul mate at fifteen. I'm just looking to have a good time. And that's exactly what Ashlee is: a good time.

We've been da…together for about a week and the relationship is reaching its expiration date, but we have the ball to make an appearance at and I'm not about to be seen alone. And, by the way, I'm not mean, I'm just honest and people can't handle it. The truth hurts, and I'm just letting them know this fact straight away.

Plus, I really do have fun with her. And it's mutual. I like her a lot and even, dare I say it, fancy her. Imagine, James Potter fancying a fling!

Anyway, the point is that I said I would stop fooling around with Lily and I've found the foolproof way to do it: getting a girlf… girl. I still do intend to make good on my bet, but I seriously need to distance myself if I'm starting to question how I feel about her. Maybe after I've figured things out and felt that enough time has passed to not get emotionally involved, I'll dive back in. Dear Merlin, I sound like a bloody girl!

Well, it's not like anyone but I will read this…

Anyway, everyone is paired up for the ball. Sirius is taking some girl he's been found in every broom closet with for the past few days, Remus is going with some pretty Ravenclaw, who he claims is only his friend, and Peter is going with some girl he has been on a few trips to Hogsmeade with, a Gryffindor Fourth Year.

Lily, I found out quickly from Remus who is one of her best friends these days, is not going to the ball. I can't help but be a little happy about that fact. At least I won't have to watch her dance with some asshole and claim she's having a good time. At least I won't have to see her kiss him at midnight.

I'm not jealous, I just don't want her to… cloud up my mind when I'm trying to forget about her and the fictional feelings I have for her.

I'm not so convincing on paper.

I just don't know what to do. Everything mattered before I kissed her that first time a little over a month ago when she was sleeping. Now, nothing matters. It's like, I've devoted all this energy to trying to save her life, when it's quite obvious she doesn't want to be saved, least of all by me. I know what she sees when she looks at me. She sees what all the other girls see: a plaything. And yes, I've done this to myself. I've made my bed and I should lie in it, but I don't want to.

I guess that getting older means getting wiser, and I think that I definitely have gotten a little of both.

Yes, I enjoy girls very much, and yes, I am a Head Marauder and that implies specific obligations, but at the same time, I feel bored. Just as I get bored in relationships, I'm finding myself getting bored of the non-relationships, of the flings.

However, at the same time, I can only think of one person that I would want to test out relationships with, and that person only wants a fling with me. I guess I get what I deserve. After years of playing with girls, I'm finally getting played with.

But, it's fine because James Potter is not one to be affected by girls. _I_ use them and throw them away, not vice versa. And I intend to with Lily Evans as well. Give her a taste of her own medicine, if you will.

There is no better way to confirm my lack of feelings for her that to treat her like shit and use her. After all, she's doing the same thing to me every time we kiss, isn't she? My only regret will be to lose her friendship. But, if she's going to use me the way she has been, then the friendship is really not worth it, am I right?

I have never felt like a bigger asshole than I did reading over that last paragraph. I _do_ deserve what I get.

Maybe I haven't learned anything, then. Maybe I'm just years older, none the wiser, years older, but not much better off.

**Saturday January 1, 1980—Common Room, 3:13 am**

OH BLOODY HELL!

I can't believe that just happened. I knew they were here, somehow, but just the thought makes me shiver. Here, in the school, right this moment, they're probably plotting. I take back the shivering, actually. I just want to beat the shit out of them.

Or get out of here…

I feel dirty, thinking about it, thinking how I've probably brushed them in passing in the corridors, or even sat at the same table as they have, the class after them. I would go take a shower if it weren't for the sleeping heap of girl laying on me.

How did you guess it was Lily?

Yeah, my plan of using her didn't go so well. But, it's not like there was a chance to, seeing all the events that happened. And, she knows about Ashlee and she's not the type to make someone cheat. If I know anything about her, it's that she's the kind of person who wants all of someone, or none of them. She wouldn't want to share me.

Anyway, you're probably wondering what happened tonight.

Of course you're not wondering. You're a notebook. You see how the events tonight have made me crazy!

Ahem, still a notebook.

Anyway, I should probably record tonight's events for future reference. Better?

And for the record, I don't expect you to answer that because you're a notebook.

I think I need to go to St. Mungo's.

Anyway, after I wrote that journal entry earlier, I started to get ready for the ball. Everything went smoothly. I met Ashlee in the common room and she looked amazing. She was wearing this red thing that was so tight and all I wanted to do was skip the ball and race her up to the dormitory and…

Too much information?

Anyway, we proceeded to the Great Hall and the ball was going routine. Then, at about eleven fifteen, weird things started happening.

First, Ashlee and I were sitting at a table by the window because she wanted to see the stars and I wanted to eat. As she was talking with a friend about something that I tuned in and out of, I heard Hagrid's dog, Fang barking faintly. Now, Hagrid's house is pretty far away from the castle, but I have very good hearing and I could just barely make out the sound. But that wasn't the weird part. The strange thing was that Fang was barking and then all the sudden stopped, mid-bark. I figured I imagined it and went back to attempting to listen to Ashlee.

A couple minutes later, an owl swoops in with a letter for Dumbledore. The music stops and he magically magnifies his voice so that even people who are not at the ball can hear his message.

"I have been called to the Ministry of Magic for an urgent meeting. I shall return as quickly as possible. And let me just say, ladies and gentlemen, have a very happy new year!"

With a loud and echoing pop, Dumbledore apparated out of the Great Hall.

That was also a very strange occurrence, but it could just be a coincidence. It was, after all only two things.

But, then, about fifteen minutes later, still sitting at the table by the window with Ashlee and a couple of butterbeers, there was a strange noise. I first became aware of it when Ashlee and her friend started talking about sales in Hogsmeade and I decided to tune out the entire conversation. It sounded sort of like scratching on the side of the wall my chair was leaning against. I immediately decided it was time for a dance in the middle of the room, as far away from the walls as possible.

But, then, about another fifteen minutes later, there was a very loud crash that sounded like it came from right outside the Great hall doors, which were, of course, closed. It was followed by a very muffled, very soft voice, which, looking around, I assumed I only heard.

A few minutes later, I was feeling a little jumpy, but we started the countdown. As we went through the numbers, I suddenly felt that I was very close to the people next to me, that we were all very close together. It was like we were all being herded into the middle.

Following the clock, everyone in the Great Hall chanted the numbers in unison. Then, came the ultimate moment: the new year.

"ONE!" Everyone shouted and cheers erupted. They were quickly transformed into gasps when someone appeared right in front of the clock, draped in black.

"Happy new year," the voice said eerily. "My resolution is to… exterminate the unworthy!" And with that last word, lines of color came from all over the room, from different wands. A single scream came from the middle of the room.

The teachers immediately tried to evacuate students, attempting to be discrete. I saw each one of my friends escape before I pushed Ashlee forward.

"What are you doing?" She pleaded when she noticed I wasn't joining her outside to the escape route in Hogsmeade.

"There's something I have to take care of," I replied.

"But you'll get hurt! You'll die! Did you see how many of them there were?"

She was crying. I hadn't meant to make her cry, but for that moment, there was something more important than my safety. It was Lily's safety.

I pulled Ashlee towards me amidst the screaming and running students. I wiped the tears from her cheeks and kissed her softly on her forehead.

"I'll be just fine," I promised. "I'll be right back."

I kissed her once on the lips before I pushed her towards Hogsmeade and ran in the opposite directions.

I was frantic. I had no idea where Lily would be. She could be in the Gryffindor common room or girl's dormitory. She could be in the Slytherin tower, which I had absolutely no access to. For all I knew, she might have persuaded the librarian to let her in the library since she practically lived there already.

I decided to just run around until I found her.

Fortunately, I didn't have to run for very long.

Rounding a corner, I ran smack into Lily, knocking her to the ground. All the panic and stress I had felt a moment before dissolved.

"Lily! I was looking for you! I didn't know where you were and you weren't at the ball, and I was worried something happened to you since you weren't there and you'll never believe what's in the Great Hall and because of it I was scared that they got you and killed you and—"

I rambled because all the panic came back after the initial relief of seeing Lily. But, she cut me off, like she has a tendency to do, and brought me back to that moment and that place, which she also has a tendency to do.

"James! Shut the hell up and help me off the floor!"

"Right, sorry," I replied, embarrassed that I let myself get carried away, and I lift her to her feet, easily, wondering briefly if she felt that light the last time I lifted her.

"Okay, let's take this one step at a time. First, come with me. It can't be safe out here," she said and grabbed my arm, pulling me into the Slytherin common room. Well, I assume it was the Slytherin common room because it was green, cold, dark, and damp. I eyed her suspiciously. Why would she take me here? I hate them and they hate Gryffindors, generally, and me, specifically. "Don't you see me with Liz? I have a few other Slytherin friends as well, if you haven't noticed. Yes, you're in the Slytherin common room. Big Deal. Now who is in the Great Hall?"

She sat down casually on a couch in front of the green fire as if she owned the place. Not that anyone would want to own it. It's disgusting! And definitely not inviting, though I think that's the point. Breaking from the peculiarity of the situation, I regained my horror and panic and answered her question.

"Death Eaters! And Voldemort!" I was vaguely aware that I was pacing the room and running a hand through my hair—what I do when I get nervous.

"Why?" She asked quietly.

"Think about it. Dumbledore loves muggleborns and this is one of the only Wizarding schools that allows muggleborns and half-bloods in. Voldemort hates them and it's his goal to rid the world of muggles. He only wants purebloods."

"But, that doesn't make any sense. Voldemort isn't pureblood," she replied and I stopped dead in my tracks.

How was it possible that she would know that? _I _didn't even know that and I pride myself on my extensive knowledge! I briefly wondered which Death Eater she was good enough friends with where they would share that kind of information.

"What? How do you know that?"

Her eyes widened as she realized the information she had just released. Then, she didn't meet my eyes as she spoke.

"I read it in a book."

I guess that's kind of believable because she does spend an unhealthy amount of time in the library, but still… why wouldn't she meet my eyes when she told me that? And why did I have such an uneasy feeling about it?

"Oh," I just said, trying to figure her out. I gave up and sighed. "You should see the war going on down there."

"Well, we should go help then!" She said, jumping to her feet in excitement.

"No, we're safer here," I replied, brushing off the very thought of going down there.

"What? Can you only think of yourself? People could me dying! God, how selfish are you?" She started screaming these words and I was taken aback at the unpredictable anger she was projecting. But I didn't let my surprise show.

"That's how it is in the real world. It's a Hippogriff-eat-Hippogriff world out there. Get used to it, babe. You have to save yourself."

"Do you listen to yourself when you talk? Or is your ego too thick for you to hear anything? It's just in one ear and out the other, right? Well, let me make it clear: PEOPLE ARE DYING! We need to help. Plus, I want to fight Death Eaters!"

I almost laughed because she sounded like a two-year-old when she said that last sentence, but I knew that this was a serious matter and I could not, under any circumstances, let her go out alone, or anywhere near the Great Hall at all.

"Well, now is your chance to fight a Death Eater and it is even better because this one wants you specifically dead," a sudden voice from the shadows makes us both jump. I immediately raise my wand as Lily and I both turn around.

I guess it would be naïve and a tad unrealistic to believe that Hogwarts is as sheltered and safe as Dumbledore likes to tell our parents. However, lies are easier to believe. I guess that in the back of my mind, I've always kind of known that there were Death Eaters at Hogwarts, or at least Death Eaters-in-training here, but no one wants to believe that the thing that will try to kill you in a few years is living with you, side-by-side, all the while getting to know your weaknesses better.

Well, let me just say, for the record, there are Death Eaters here, and they're exactly who you think they would be.

I felt myself sneering as the Death Eater stepped out of the shadows and took off his mask to reveal his identity. I don't know why he would show us who he was, though. He couldn't honestly believe that he was going to kill us tonight so we wouldn't be able to tell anyone that he's a Death Eater. Come on. I'm James Potter. You can't beat me easily, and if I'm losing, and my chance of survival is gone, I still won't go down without a fight, or at least a shitload of horrible names thrown at my attacker.

I tightened my grip on my wand as the detestable Lucius Malfoy took a step forward and aimed his wand at Lily's heart.

I guess the Slytherin Common Room wasn't the safest place for us. It was kind of the opposite, right?

I look at Lily and can almost see her running a list through her head of all the times she's spoken to Malfoy, all the times she's touched him, all the times she's seen his arms without a Dark Mark cast upon them.

Come to think of it, I've never seen the Dark Mark on Malfoy myself. I mean, I don't ever talk to him unless it's to taunt him or beat the shit out of him, but we've gotten into a number of fights and there has never even been a trace of it on his skin.

"But, you're not…" Lily started to say, voicing my thoughts as well.

"Oh, I'm not, am I?" Malfoy responded casually as if she had just asked him if he was going to the store, not if he signed his life away. He lifted up his sleeve nonchalantly and revealed the mark that gave me nightmares when I was a kid and my parents were gone for weeks on end to track the wizard mass murderer who turned out to be Voldemort. He must have left for part of Winter Vacation to get it done because only the very center was black, surrounded by a pinkish-gray, with red on the outer rim.

I mentally store the image in case I need it for future reference and then I survey Lily, who seemed to be quite taken aback. She took a step backwards and looked fearfully at the Dark Mark that tainted Malfoy's snow-white skin. Malfoy laughed a laugh that would have made Voldemort proud.

I wonder if Malfoy's father gave him lessons on that kind of laugh. Seriously. I mean, all the Death Eaters have it. It's like generic. I mean, honestly, they have to have some trademark. And the laugh that Malfoy did seemed very similar to ones done by other Death Eaters and even Voldemort himself. I wonder if, to be able to be a Death Eater, you have to master this laugh. It seemed to be very well rehearsed.

Anyway, getting back to the story… And I'll try to keep going off on random tangents to a minimum… Try being the key word there…

"It was a pity I did not get to finish you off last time," Malfoy continued after a minute, starting to walk towards Lily and I. "But, I did far too much damage out of anger alone. I have strict orders from my Lord to finish off any mudbloods, specifically you, and kill anyone who stands in my way. But I have no problem killing you. It will actually be quite fun to see you and this traitor suffer."

I held my wand tighter, if possible. I was sure it would snap in half, so I tried unsuccessfully to loosen my grip and focus more on not lunging at Malfoy and beating him to a bloody pulp. It's improper for a lady to have to look at a pulpy, bloody mess that used to be Lucius Malfoy, though I'm sure Lily wouldn't mind.

Malfoy eyed Lily carefully, as if sizing up her every movement, as if I wasn't even there. He had a malicious glint in his eye as Lily tried to be strong and not show her fear. There was only a couch between him and Lily and I was completely ready to lunge at him to keep him away from Lily if it was necessary.

"You see, mudbloods dirty up everything," Malfoy continued. "There should only be full-blooded wizards allowed in school, in existence. And that is exactly what the Dark Lord believes. He just lets those ideas turn into actions." He was so close that he only needed to whisper. "So, let's do this and get it over with."

Lily was eating up every word, thinking and over-analyzing, like she has a tendency to do. She was sizing Malfoy up, trying to figure out what he would do. And she was wondering if she would be better off dead. I could tell this all by looking at her; she can be such an open book sometimes. I saw her sift through her pockets, probably looking for her wand because if she did have it, it would have been in her hand already. Her pockets turned out to be empty so she turned to run, but before she even made it to the stairs, she was caught by Snape.

Another Death Eater to add to the list, just for future reference…

Then, several things happened at once. I called out Lily's name and took a step towards her just as Snape pointed his wand at her throat and put a hand over her mouth and Malfoy pointed his wand at me and threatened something more precious than my life: Lily's life.

"One more step at the girl dies," he said and then turned towards Snape and gave him a nod. Snape responded by tightening the wand at Lily's throat. "I knew you couldn't resist the urge to stand up and be the hero. I knew you couldn't just let your girl be killed so you could be smart and save yourself," Malfoy said only loud enough for me to hear. I tightened the grip on my wand and pointed it at Malfoy again.

"You're right about one thing," I replied quietly, yet darkly. "I can't resist the urge, the urge to kill you."

"On the count of three then," Malfoy said after a moment, nodding and raising his wand. I nodded in return and raised my wand higher in agreement.

"One," I said, looking once to Lily in what I hoped was a reassuring glance.

"Two," Malfoy replied and I wanted to tear the smirk off his face.

Just as my lips were forming the word, 'three,' I heard Snape call out in pain.

"Ouch! She bit me!" He said as Lily wrestled away from his grip.

"Snape! She's just a bloody mudblood _girl_! You should be able to handle her!" Malfoy scolded, visibly frustrated with what he was given as a partner in this mission.

Lily kicked Snape in… what's that muggle phrase… where the sun don't shine. Well, she kicked him there and he let go of her as he crunched over in pain. I winced as I could almost feel the pain myself. She laughed and kicked him in the same place again and I couldn't help but be proud. I smirked knowingly at her and then she turned to smirk at Malfoy, delivering the all-time greatest comeback.

"You couldn't handle me if you tried."

With that, she ran towards the unsuspecting Malfoy and knocked him to the ground, straddling him. I guess that was my cue to take care of Snape.

I briefly heard Malfoy's retort to her positioning. He mentioned something about how he would have liked it under any other circumstances. I heard her slap him just as I delivered a punch to the same cheek on Snape that Lily slapped on Malfoy. Snape recovered quickly. I guess he's used to being slapped by girls because he's so unappealing and has never been seen with anyone, so he has to want to be laid. But, he got up quickly and punched me back in the jaw, sending me to the floor. I guess that's the pent up frustration of never having a girl.

I wasn't so quick to recover and as I was getting up, Snape ran over to Lily and grabbed her hand as she was about to slap Malfoy again, no doubt for some disgusting remark. I think Malfoy needs to learn how to put his foot in his mouth.

As Lily began to turn around to see why her hand wasn't moving, I tackled Snape to the ground so Lily wouldn't have to fend off two attackers.

After a few moments of fist fighting with Snape, I remembered that we're wizards and grabbed my wand. I successfully put Snape in a full body-bind and moved towards Lily, just as Malfoy was speaking some words that will probably haunt Lily, seeing as she is so impressionable to the bad stuff. I guess, though, the bad is easier to believe.

"Lily, Lily, Lily. Do you honestly believe good triumphs over evil? This is real life, remember? And who determines what is good and what it evil, anyway? There is no good or evil. There is only power."

I stunned Malfoy right after that, but Lily didn't even notice. I could almost see her replaying Malfoy's words, the wheels turning in her head as she digested them. I pulled her to her feet even though she still wasn't fully there. I tried to snap her out of her reverie because I couldn't drag her to safety, mostly because I didn't know how we were going to get safe. I needed her quick thinking.

"Come _on_, Lily! They're only stunned for a short while! We have to get out of here!"

She blinked and then ran upstairs, dragging me behind her. She grabbed her wand off a bed and then pulled me across the hall to what was, no doubt, the boy's dormitory. I almost laughed as she scrunched her nose up because of the smell that was slightly different than the Gryffindor boy's dormitory. I have already grown accustom to it, because, let's face it: boys are slobs.

She pulled me to the window and conjured a rope. After opening the window, she threw one end of the rope out and then looked up at me.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I saw this in a movie once," she said as she tied the other end of the rope to a bedpost. Then, no joke, she tried to push me out the window!

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, afraid I would tear apart the curtains as I clung on to them because my life depended on them. How could she try to kill me? I just saved her life! I mean, seriously. Get a grip!

"Trust me. This will work, I swear. Just use the rope and climb down."

I eyed her, trying to determine if the recent events had made her lose her mind and she was trying to kill me, or if she was genuinely trying to help. As I looked into her eyes, I couldn't find a shred of ill wishing in them. There was not a bad thought about me in her head. I rescued her from the bad guys and now she was rescuing me from reality.

I pulled her into a hug and she seemed to back away from it, as if she wasn't used to people caring about her. I wonder if that's the truth. I wonder if she really believes people don't care about her, or if people really don't care about her. Well, I care about her.

Because she's my friend!

I do not, in any way, fancy Lily! I do not, in any way, fancy Lily!

Anyway, she really freaked out about the hug.

"Whoa, there. What are you doing?" She said, pushing me away.

"Thanks," I said because sometimes it's nice to forget that any minute the Death Eaters would break the spell and come up to kill us. Sometimes it's nice to forget that we were in the midst of a Voldemort attack and that Lily was the object of his desire, the reasoning behind the attack because she's muggle-born. Sometimes it's nice to forget I have a girl…

I climbed out the window and heard Lily follow me. As she neared the end of the rope, I helped her down, and I couldn't help feeling, as I held her waist, that I was home, that this was the one familiar and comfortable thing I had been longing for.

What's wrong with me? We're just friends! I sound like a bloody girl! Or worse, I sound like a Hufflepuff!

I do not, in any way, fancy Lily! I do not, in any way, fancy Lily!

At the bottom, Lily took out a knife and cut the rope. It made me flash back to when I found her in the Astronomy Tower, in a pool of her own blood.

"Whoa, do you take that everywhere with you?" I asked as I glared at the knife, as if it had caused all the blood spilt weeks ago.

"Pretty much," she replied laughing.

Then we ran. I, being in Quidditch, was fine with the running. However, after awhile, I was dragging Lily. Finally, I began to get tired. We ran until both of us were out of breath and our heads were screaming that they needed more oxygen.

We finally arrived at Hagrid's Hut and Lily somehow found the strength to knock on the door. Seconds later, it opened.

"Hagrid!" She whispered, barely audible, due to the lack of breath.

"Lily? James? Come in! I was jus' makin' tea! What happened ter ya two? Ya look like ya seen a ghost!"

A ghost? Try two Death Eaters with death wishes.

"It's a long story," she said after a moment.

Hagrid made us his trademark tea and we sat for a while in silence. I think that Lily and I made an unspoken agreement not to tell Hagrid what had happened, though Hagrid knew about the Voldemort attack.

An hour later, we were given the "all clear" by McGonagall. How they managed to fend off the Death Eaters and Voldemort, I have no idea. Perhaps Dumbledore came back. I mean, Dumbledore is the one person that Voldemort fears. Maybe his presence alone was enough to drive Voldemort away.

Anyway, we walked back to the castle in silence, but Lily held my hand because she needed comfort and stability. Once we entered the castle, we walked to the Gryffindor Tower in silence. There was nothing left to say. It was as if we had used up all the words.

We got into the Common Room about a half hour ago and as soon as we did, we collapsed on the couch. For a while, we just stared into the fire, lost in thought, Lily resting her head on my chest. Then, a few minutes ago, Lily fell asleep, so I stole away to record this night because I can't sleep.

Now that the tale of the night is out of me, I feel exhausted. I think I can finally sleep.

But, I'll end with this final note: being here with Lily, it's like she fits perfectly into the curves of my body, like I'm a puzzle and she's the missing piece. It's like we were made for each other, but somehow made to be apart.

I can imagine how it would be to be with her, really be with her. I can picture her as my girlfriend. I can't believe I actually used the word 'girlfriend' with her! What does that mean? We're supposed to be together?

How can we be meant for each other when there are so many forces driving us apart? Maybe we're just meant to be an "in between relationships" person for each other, the person we go to between relationships to hook up with.

But, I don't know what to think. I'm so confused. I don't know what I'm doing when I have a girl but feel complete laying on this couch with Lily. I don't know what I feel for Lily. I don't know what to do, or how to get inside her head, when it's the one thing I seem to care about these days.

Everything mattered before her. Now, nothing matters.

But, I do know one thing: I still dream about her, dream about being with her. And I have never felt so… complete. I feel whole. I feel like I'm home, like I've found what I've been searching for.

And I'm absolutely bloody terrified.

**Author's Note--**Aww, poor Jamesy! He llllliiiiikkkeeessss her!

Alright, enough childishness...

So, thanks for reading and I would very much appreciate reviews! Next is Masked Denial and I'm almost done writing it, so it should be up, hopefully, within a week. Keep your fingers crossed for it, and I'll try my hardest!

xDreamerx


	9. These Damn Hufflepuff Feelings

**Chapter 9—These Damn Hufflepuff Feelings**

**Sunday January 2, 1980—Library, 4:32 pm**

I can't stop thinking about Lily. I mean, I guess that's only natural given today's events, but I can't help thinking that this has turned obsession-like, when all I wanted to do in the first place was use her to win the bet. I can't deny that I've grown fond of her. She's grown on me, and I didn't think that was possible. But, this needs to end. It can't continue like this, all these stupid feelings over a bet. I just hope that I can still get out of it without getting hurt, or even worse, without hurting her.

Listen to me, I sound like a bloody girl. I'm really getting sick of all these damn Hufflepuff feelings roaming around in my head. They're clouding my judgment!

So, earlier today, I woke up to Lily stirring on top of me. I knew it was morning even though it was too early for the sun to be awake. I looked down at Lily and realized I was clutching her quite tightly.

"Sorry," I said, still hoarse from sleeping. I immediately let go of her because she looked extremely uncomfortable and then she sat upright, straightening out her cute hair, messy from sleeping.

I watched her carefully as she appeared to be nervous; she was wringing her hands in her lap and she gave a long sigh before speaking.

"James?" She said, breaking the silence. I looked up from her nervous hands to her face. "I know that I'm not the most careful person and that I land myself in trouble a lot. And, well… you saved my life. And not just last night, but… it's been three times so far this year that you have quite literally 'pulled me from the gallows.' You just keep saving my life. Why?"

For the first time in my life, I was speechless. I had no idea how to answer that question. It's true, I have saved her life, if that's how you want to put it, but it wasn't so much an obligation as it was a pleasure. I can blame it all on wanting to get closer to her because of the bet, but that wouldn't be the truth. Not only have I come to respect her as a person, but as a friend. And, yes, I have thought about her romantically without the bet being included in these thoughts.

Why do I continue to save her? Why don't I let her fend for herself and learn, the way everyone else must, the way I had to?

Because she'll really die. Because she can't take care of herself. Because she doesn't know how to take care of herself and, somehow, I know that's not her fault. Because I couldn't bear it if she died. Because a world without Lily Evans would be incomplete and taken far too seriously.

Because I fancy her?

No, I don't think so. There's no way… I can't. It's not allowed. I won't let myself. She's just a stupid bet, after all.

Then why do I feel so guilty saying that?

I shifted uncomfortably and sighed.

Yes, I would die saving her and almost did yesterday. Does that make me her friend? Or, does that mean I fancy her?

So, what did I say?

I began to laugh, actually.

"Well, you do tend to be quite accident-prone," I said after a minute of contemplation that felt like an eternity. She smiled. "But… I don't know. It's like I've elected myself to keep you safe, as ridiculous as that sounds. It's almost as if I know it's not your time to go, that you still have more to do. I feel obligated to help you because…"

I didn't want to say it. I didn't want to be the one to let her down, to tell her that she's been doing a shitty job of taking care of herself.

"Just say it," she said, as if she knew what I was about to say.

"Well, let's face it: you really can't take care of yourself, and when you do, you don't do a very good job at it."

"I know," she replied, looking at the floor as if she was embarrassed by the truth. I immediately felt guilty, but I hadn't wanted to tell her. She provoked it. "Well, um…" She continued after a moment, nervousness apparent in her speech. "What I mean to say is… Damn, I'm no good at this… Um, thanks, James. Thanks for being my savior."

"That wasn't so hard, now was it?"

"Well," she started, looking slightly more embarrassed than before. "It would seem that because you saved my life, I am in debt to you."

I immediately smiled. Lily Evans in debt to me. Lily Evans at my disposal. This is going to be too good to be true.

"Oh, really?" I responded, taking advantage of that moment.

"Yes," she whispered, turning to face me. I stared at her lips that were just inches within reach. "So what do you want?"

Knowing that I couldn't pass up the opportunity that was quite literally staring me in the face, I went for it. Pushing away some silky hair from her face, (I have to find out what it is that makes her hair so amazingly soft and smell irresistible at the same time) I quickly kissed her. I didn't want to waste any time, because that was time she had to change her mind, like she has a tendency to do.

And, yes, I'm aware that I have a girlf… girl. But, come on. I'm James Potter. Plus, I know a good thing when it's staring me in the face. I know not to let an opportunity pass me by, even if I'm juggling other matters at the same time.

"Wait," she said, pulling away. "What about Ashlee?"

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want her to see me the way other girls see me—a cheater and a user. I didn't want to mess up this perfect moment, like _I _have a tendency to do. And yeah, I didn't want to stop kissing her either. So, I said the first thing that popped into my head.

"It's over. I dumped her a few days ago."

And the plan worked flawlessly. She kissed me back with a force I didn't know someone could have before six AM. But, I do feel terrible about lying to her. If it were any other girl, I couldn't care less, but it's Lily. The thought alone made me want to blurt out the truth, along with some other feelings I'm still not certain of.

I pulled away, intending to tell the truth, intending to tell Lily that if I had her, this other girl didn't matter, none of the other girls mattered. She must have thought I was rejecting her because she crossed her arms and her eyes shot daggers at the floor.

In that instant, I changed my mind. I couldn't stand Lily being upset, especially because of me. I couldn't stand being the cause of any hurt feelings Lily might have.

"Wait, wait," I said, thinking of an excuse quickly. "I'm sorry, I'm just starving."

And I was. But I still can't help thinking that maybe I should have told the truth.

Lily's face lit up immediately as she smiled.

"Me too," she said, and she dragged me off in the direction of the kitchens.

Maybe the truth is overrated.

After a perfect meal with Lily, I searched my mind for some plan, some way to keep her the rest of the day.

"Well," she said suddenly, as soon as we left the kitchens. "I have some homework to catch up on, so I'll see you later."

There was no way I was letting her spend the day with out me, let alone by herself.

"What?" I said, still trying to think up a plan. "Lily, it's winter vacation. There's no way I'm letting you do your homework." She sighed.

"Well, then what are we going to do?"

"Want to go to the prefect bathroom? We can swim or something."

It's a brilliant plan. Not only do I get to spend more time with her, but I can see her in a bathing suit. Absolutely bloody brilliant.

"One second," she said, pulling out a locket from around her neck and opening it. I know better than to get involved with girls and their jewelry, though, so I didn't ask about it. "Okay, let's go."

The walk there was silent, mostly because I was trying not to say anything that would anger her and make her want to leave. I have a tendency to do that, I guess. Then, in the middle of trying to perfect a sentence to her, Lily starts to hum.

"What are you doing?" I asked, probably looking like she had just proclaimed her love to the giant squid.

"I'm humming, is that okay with you?"

"Yeah, it's just… you're so weird."

"Thanks," she replied, continuing the song. I admire her. I admire that she doesn't care what people think and is who she is, no matter what people are saying.

"What are you humming anyway?" I asked.

"It's a muggle song. You wouldn't know it."

We're quiet for a long time.

"James, do you know what an artichoke is?" She asked after a second of what appeared to be thought on this subject.

"What?" I said, voicing the only thing that came into my mind.

"An artichoke. I was just thinking… have you ever heard of one?"

"No, I don't think so."

Then again, there are times when I wonder what the hell she's thinking. It's brilliant that she doesn't care what people think, but sometimes I think she should.

After quite a bit more silence, we arrived at the portrait in front of the prefect bathroom. She whispered the password as if I'd never been there. Little does she know, I take many dates there. Well, I used to before I became infected with all these damn Hufflepuff feelings and stopped wanting multiple girls at the same time.

We entered the room and I was greeted by the familiar smell. It reminded me of who I used to be, the old James Potter, and in a way, I felt glad that that person isn't a part of who I am anymore.

"Okay, there are extra bathing suits in this closet," I told her, gesturing.

"How would you know all this?" Lily asked, almost looking disgusted. I smiled.

"Let's just say I come here a lot." I observed her reaction as she stared at the ground. She looked almost hurt, and definitely disgusted this time. "So, I'll get dressed in this back room," I said, snapping her out of her thoughts, "and you can get changed here, I guess. I'll knock before coming in to make sure you're done. Sound okay?"

She nodded so I walked to the back room and shut the door. After a few minutes, I knocked, but received no answer. Thinking that maybe she had finished getting changed and was underwater so she couldn't hear me, I walked in.

There, on the bed, curled up into a little ball, was Lily, and she was fast asleep. I took to watching her sleep for a while because she looked so… perfect. She slept with a tiny smile on her face and for once, she looked at peace, not troubled by life's letdowns.

After some time, I decided to get up and swim for a while. That turned into "I might as well wash my hair" and before I knew it, I heard Lily stirring on the bed. I saw her look at me and then quickly pull the blankets over her head.

"Uh, James? What are you doing?" Came her muffled voice.

"I'm taking a bath. That's generally what you do in a bathtub." I couldn't resist being my "smart-aleck" self.

"Well, why would you take a bath when I'm here?"

She must have thought I would take a bath _naked_ while she was there. True, I can be quite a flirt and like to… "show off the goods" because I'm proud of them, but come on. I'm not that egotistical. She was sleeping, for Merlin's sake!

I walked over to her to prove this.

"Lily, look at me," I said, dripping on the white tile.

"No! You're naked!"

I laughed and pulled the covers from her face. Her eyes were squeezed tightly closed.

"Lily, open your eyes."

She carefully opened one eye, and then the other. She flushed hot red in embarrassment, which made her look even cuter, if possible.

Damn, these feelings. I think I might have to start chanting "I do not in any way fancy Lily" again, otherwise these Hufflepuff feelings might take over.

"Oh. Sorry, it's just that you're taking a bath and people generally take baths naked and yeah… Sorry," she apologized again. I smiled; she was absolutely endearing.

"Don't worry about it," I replied, magically drying myself. She yawned.

"What time is it?" She asked, stretching.

"It's noon."

"What?" Lily yelled, jumping out of bed. I laughed at her frantic state. "How can it be this late? I've missed breakfast and lunch starts now and I have to get ready for the day and that'll take at least an hour and everyone will wonder where I've been and _I can't believe you let me sleep this late!_"

If possible, I laughed harder, then formed words.

"Me? You're the one that was sleeping. You looked so peaceful. I didn't want to wake you up."

"Yeah, well you should have. Fuck! I forgot about Ross! He's going to kill me! I've got to go!"

My amusement died straight away. True, I have no claim on her, but who is she to go hang out with some other guy? I suddenly felt very possessive.

"Wait, what? Who's Ross?" I said, angry.

"I have to go!"  
"No you don't. Just owl this guy and tell him something came up and you'll see him later. In the meantime, stay here with me," I said, using all my persuasion skills and trying to pull her back onto the bed with me.

"James, stop. No, I have to go. _No!_ James, I'm serious." She replied, struggling. But, it was no use. I don't play Quidditch for nothing. I ended up pulling her in bed and she landed on top of me. I smirked.

"You see now this, I don't mind too much."

"James, shut up. I have to go."

"I don't think so," I said, reaching to wrap my arms around her tiny waist. I remember briefly wondering when she ate last. "I at least get a kiss."

See, if she was going to leave to go with some other guy, I at least wanted to give her a final reminder of what she was leaving. Thus, the kiss. Hopefully, it would make her want to stay longer; I know what my skills are, and kissing is definitely one of them. Or so I've been told on more than one occasion.

"Fine," Lily said, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "There. Now can I go?"

"You call that a kiss?"

"James, I'm serious. Ross will be looking for me. I have to find him before he comes here."

"He won't. He's not a prefect. He doesn't know the password. Now, I believe I saved your life last night and you owe me whatever I want for as long as I want," I said, struggling to turn my anger into a smile. I think I succeeded because she rested her elbows on my chest and put her face in her hands, slightly smiling.

"Great time to bring that up. What do you want?"

"I told you what I want."

"Fine. Where do you want it?" She asked, turning red as she realized what she had just said. I smirked.

"Never did I think I would hear those words coming from the mouth of Lily Evans."

"You're so mean," she said, smiling. She leaned down and gave me a peck on the lips. I frowned, but was still slightly exhilarated by the tiny spark I felt in that brief kiss.

Damn Hufflepuff emotions… damn Hufflepuff poetic words. How did those come out of me, James Potter, Head Marauder?

"Happy now?" Lily said afterwards.

"Nope," I replied, voicing my thoughts. "That was the crappiest kiss I've ever gotten."

"Well then, will you kindly enlighten me as to how you would like your kiss so that I may go?"

"I can't explain it," I responded, slightly smiling because she knew what I wanted her to say. She sighed and paused for a long time.

"Then show me."

This was all the encouragement I needed. Not wanting to pass up this opportunity, I quickly rolled over to be on top of her, pinning her to the bed. That's what I like; I like to be in charge. Except sometimes when… Never mind.

And we kissed. I can't even describe it, and if I tried, it would probably be mutilated by these damn Hufflepuff feelings. It was just something I've never felt before, even with all the girls I've gone through. It felt like… all this time I had been searching for something, and now I'd found it. It was invigorating; it was as if I had been lost in the desert for days, and finally had a sip of water. It was everything I needed, and even more of what I wanted.

I would have been perfectly content kissing Lily, but the fact that she broke off the kiss to slip off her sweater didn't bother me in the least bit; it was quite the contrary. I enjoyed it very much. I reacted immediately and reached down to undo her belt in between kisses. I could feel adrenaline building up and longing for her bubbling (damn Hufflepuffs…) as the latch came undone. Just as I was about to reach for my swimming shorts, we heard the door open and shut and we quickly break off the kiss to look at the door.

Talk about a fucking buzz-kill.

It was Lily's Slytherin friend. I looked back at Lily to see her covering her face with her hands, hot with embarrassment.

"Oh, wow. I'm sorry," the Slytherin girl said, covering her eyes.

I quickly got up and slipped on my clothes, realizing I was still in my bathing suit. Walking to the door, I slipped Lily one last glance, before heading out.

As soon as I heard the portrait close behind me, my face broke out into a smile. I had been so close. I could still feel the desire. Hell, I could still taste her kiss and it was more than enough to keep me satisfied until our next rendezvous.

Well, it was enough until I began to think of the bet. Yes, I was so close to having Lily, but I was also so close to winning the bet. If that Slytherin girl hadn't come in…

And, I don't know what I would have done if we had gone through with it, if we had shagged. I don't think that I could bring myself to defile Lily by telling Sirius, but I also know that I shouldn't be with Lily. I know I make a lot of jokes, but I'm actually very deep and thoughtful. I'm just not like that out loud, only in this notebook.

But, honestly, the foundation of a relationship, even a bad one, isn't a bet. And I know what people would say, I know what would happen to my reputation. I don't deserve someone like her.

Fuck. What do you do when you're falling for someone who wasn't even supposed to be in your life in the first place?

**Tuesday January 4, 1980—Common Room, 12:24 pm**

I'm starting to feel extremely guilty. Me, James Potter, having guilt over what I do best: messing around with girls. I mean, sure, that's the way I am and Ashlee honestly couldn't have thought I would change for her. She knew what she was getting herself in to, and she still said yes, she still went through with being with me. But, I guess that doesn't exactly give me license to treat her like shit.

True, I honestly don't believe people can change. And I, personally, don't expect people to change, not even myself. I've long since abandoned any expectations I could have for people because, in the end, people just do whatever the hell they feel like doing. People are selfish and I am no exception.

Then why do I feel so terrible?

Don't get me wrong, I believe that slight alterations are possible, but full-blown changes? Not a chance in hell.

Of course, Ashlee remains completely oblivious. I don't know how much longer I can put up with her painfully intense innocence. She acts like she doesn't have a clue about my reputation, that she hasn't noticed all the girls that have called me theirs in the past four and a half years at Hogwarts. Is she completely oblivious, or does she honestly think she can change me?

See, that's the thing about girls—they always want to change guys and always think they will be the one to do it. They keep the, "if you really loved me" mentality and I'm supposed to give up everything I've ever known just because I like to shag you? I don't think so.

I mean, sure, I've never been in love and if I ever do fall in love, I might be persuaded to make very small adjustments, but how can you say you love someone when they don't like you exactly the way you are? How can you say you love someone if all you want to do is change them? That's not loving that person, that's making them into another person that you have already loved. I'm supposed to just go with that? I'm just supposed to lie down and be compared and eventually changed into someone you obviously liked better than me? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

And I don't know. Maybe I think too much. Maybe if people knew all the stuff that I constantly think about, they'd run shitless in the opposite direction.

Well, that's enough thinking for one day, I suppose.

**Friday January 7, 1980—Boy's dormitory, 11:54 pm**

Just went upstairs from the "back to school" Gryffindor party in the common room. Classes started Wednesday, and my mind was still on vacation.

Sometimes I envy Sirius. He has all the relationships, all the sex, all the meaningless, one after another, flings and doesn't even think twice about it. He doesn't even think about how it makes him look, he doesn't think about love, or all these disgusting Hufflepuff feelings I seem to have been inflicted with. He doesn't even bother with learning the girls' proper names. He's uninhibited and wild, and I bloody well hate every sodding moment of it.

So, there Sirius was, a girl on each arm, drinks in all their hands, with a knowing smile when he looked at me. How these girls don't care about the others, is beyond me. I mean, both of them are with him. They have to know about each other. Maybe they don't care because they're with Sirius, who doesn't lose any sleep over it. Then there's me, who can't even admit to anyone, other than this journal, what happened with Lily and me. It's not that I'm ashamed; I just can't have anyone know.

This subject keeps giving me a headache. From this moment forward, I will never write of Lily and these damn Hufflepuff feelings again.

Needless to say, Sirius had a very nice night. And I'm up here in the dormitory listening to the sounds of the party and going to bed early.

Remus, on the other hand, was very withdrawn. I'm not saying that he's anywhere near Sirius's promiscuity, but I don't think I've ever seen him like this. He wasn't drinking, but I expected as much with the full moon coming up soon. When the full moon is near, he doesn't like to take any chances of the alcohol in his system. We're not exactly sure what it will do to a werewolf, but seeing how nasty he is without it when transformed, I'd say he is making a good choice.

However, normally he will have a few girls around him. Now, he's not all over them like Sirius or even I might be. He usually just talks with them and will single a few out to flirt with, or whatever it is he does. I don't know why girls are so drawn to him, but they are. I guess it's his quietness that they assume is moodiness. I've also heard that girls think he is very intelligent and thoughtful, which I guess is true.

Anyway, I don't know why I keep getting off topic.

Well, tonight's party was very strange. Not only did he not have his usual swarm of girls around him, but he was singling out a single girl and seeming very interested in what she had to say.

We're going to come off looking like assholes, but the Marauders have a mantra, or at least we used to which only Sirius seems to be upholding. If a girl was obviously not worth our time, but incredibly good-looking, we would do whatever we needed to to get her in bed. This includes pretending she's interesting, faking our interest in what she has to say, and feign "deep" emotions. Remus does not appear to be doing any of these. Either he's actually interested in this girl, or someone has possessed his body.

I'm sort of hoping for the latter.

And, in the middle of all this confusion and changing times, it seems funny that the Marauders are holding up who they are so well. It's laughable that the Marauders are the one thing that is constant and remains. Sirius is still taking every girl in Hogwarts for what she's worth and then dumping her on her ass, Remus is still a deep thinking relationship guy, and I still don't know what the hell is going on. I'm still stuck bouncing back and forth between relationships and flings. I still don't know what the bloody hell it is that I want.

It's messed up how things change. Or, rather, how they stay exactly the same.

**Saturday January 8, 1980—Great Hall, breakfast-time**

I think this is, quite possibly, the first day after a party that I have not woken up hung-over. See, I'm the opposite of everyone else. Most people, when they have a lot of problems, drink to make them go away. When I have a lot of problems, I think about it a lot and feel sorry for myself. I drink when I don't have any problems, when I'm happy and perfectly content. Drinking doesn't make problems go away; it just makes them escalate because people are constantly doing stupid things when they're drunk. I did drink a little last night because, come on, it was a party. But, by no means, did I get drunk or even buzzed for that matter.

Sirius looks slightly tired with what could possibly be a hangover, but is wearing a smug smile. I want to rip it off my face.

"Oh, so you want to rip off my face now?" Sirius is saying, his smile growing.

"Oh, so you're invading privacy now?" I am replying, teeth clenched in anger.

"So I take it you had a good night last night?" Peter pipes up, shoving a fork-full of food into his mouth.

"You could say that," Sirius responds, obviously wanting us to ask him about his conquests.

"Could you spare us the details? It's too early to think about you shagging and I would actually like to keep my breakfast down for once," I am saying, disgusted more at the thought that Sirius got shagged and I didn't.

"A bit hung-over, are we?" Sirius is replying, not in the least bit put out by my comment. I glare at him.

"No."

I honestly don't know how he can be so cheerful before ten am. Actually, I do know how, but I hate to think about it. His is the kind of happiness you can only get after a night of good shagging. I wonder, if I were to poke my eyes out with a fork, would it get rid of these awful images?

Knowing when not to press a subject with me, Sirius turns to Remus, who has remained entirely disengaged from this entire conversation.

"Oi, Remus! I saw you with that girl last night! By the looks of her, you must have had a good night too!" Sirius is saying. I quickly observe Remus's reaction. There seems to be a tiny flame of anger in his eyes before he relaxes and shrugs.

"It's not really like that," he says, never one to care what we think of him.

"You mean you didn't shag her?" Peter asks, shocked that Remus, of all people, didn't spend the night with a girl he had talked to the entire night. Peter knows of our mantras and picking up girl skills, but somehow, they never seemed to work for him.

"No," Remus says, sounding angrier then any of us thought he would be. "We're friends. There's nothing to it."

"Friends, eh? Well, you are for now," Sirius responds, turning back to his food as not to press the subject. We're all very aware of each other's boundaries and when to not push them.

"It's completely innocent," Remus murmurs, turning back to his book, signaling that the conversation is over.

"If I know you, Remus," Sirius continues. "Then it's never 'completely innocent.'"

I thought Remus would get angry at Sirius for not letting this issue drop. But, Remus only smiles and flips the page in his book as if he hasn't heard Sirius at all.

Oh, great. Lily just sat down next to Sirius, which is the only person between her and I. She immediately puts her head down on the table. She must be hung-over, but I didn't see her at the party…

"Alright there, Lily?" Sirius is saying. Lily groans.

"Late night," she croaks. "Too much F-Fi-Fire…"

"Firewhiskey?" Sirius asks. Lily makes a face and Sirius laughs. I'm about to brush her off entirely when I see a guy walking over to her from the Slytherin table. I'm taking this opportunity to eavesdrop.

"Hey," she says to him. "You weren't at the party last night."

So, she wasn't at the Gryffindor party last night. She was at a Slytherin one.

I am not in any way jealous!

Or talking about Lily in that way…

"That's not really my scene," he replies, thinking he sounds smart and eloquent. He's really just making a fool of himself. "Plus, I had a previously planned engagement."

I wonder why he doesn't tell her what he was doing. Obviously, they aren't dating because otherwise he would have been at the party and I would feel worse about what happened with Lily and me. But, this only means one thing: they're just snogging partners, possibly more. That means that Lily Evans is using both me and this Slytherin idiot. That cunning little… Oh, wait, wonder-boy is talking some more.

"So," he says. Great, just lower your voice just low enough so I can hear you. How pathetic. You obviously want us all to know what you're saying to her, so why don't you just shout it to the whole Great Hall? Idiot… "Do you want to meet up later tonight?"

Yup, she's definitely using me. I wonder, does she know about the bet? Maybe she knows and is giving me a taste of my own medicine? Or, perhaps she really is as cold-hearted as everyone says she is.

"Sure," she replies. Why doesn't she sound more confident? Maybe she knows I've caught on and caught her in her lies. Maybe it's more fun when you're sneaking to do it.

Well, obviously I shouldn't be talking, but…

"I'll owl you later," he says. I find myself getting angry, even breaking my quill in half (I'm writing with the pointed tip end even though it's half the size) when he strokes her cheek. She closes her eyes, seeming to enjoy herself.

When she opens her eyes, she looks at me, meeting my eyes. She looks… almost guilty. Almost ashamed. I've probably just imagined it.

After all, if she's going to treat people like they don't matter, so be it. I actually started to like her (I won't go as far as 'fancying' because she is a dirty, lying rat, after all) and now I've got to see who she really is.

Listen to me. I sound like a bloody girl. These damn Hufflepuff feelings!

I hate myself.

**Author's Note--**Haha, poor James! I'm so mean to him!

Well, I honestly don't have much to say, other than, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Let me just say, though, this story is getting me very frustrated and discouraged. I'm not really sure people like it, and again, I'm questioning if I should even continue it. Thoughts?

Anyway, please please review, and I'll work my hardest on Masked Denial.

xDreamerx


	10. Can't Seem to Stay Away

**Chapter 10—Can't Seem to Stay Away**

**Sunday January 16, 1980—Common Room, 10:32 am**

It's been a boring couple of weeks. There's absolutely nothing going on, so I guess that's why everyone is obsessed with the coming Valentine's Day ball. I mean, come on, it's almost a month away. Doesn't anyone have anything better to do than talk about an event that's not happening for four weeks? I guess not.

Today was the first time I've talked to Lily in a few weeks. It was totally by accident, too. I couldn't sleep last night. I'm really getting tired of thinking this much. I mean, I'm a guy. I'm not supposed to think about anything but girls and broomsticks, and of course, being a Marauder, pranks. But, no, I have to think about morals and my parents out Merlin knows where looking for Voldemort. And my bloody feelings. Gross.

Anyway, I went to the kitchens at six this morning, needing caffeine to be able to make it through another day without sleep. I sat down as, what must have been the scrawniest house elf of them all, placed my coffee in front of me. I open the _Daily Prophet_ and immediately scan the headlines, looking for hidden news about the search for Voldemort.

Father told me the Ministry is trying to hush it all up, but that I could find hints about Voldemort and the jobs the Aurors have been doing if I looked close enough. Today, however, there didn't seem to be anything. Father told me they would be somewhere near Turkey, but he couldn't give specifics in case the owl got intercepted. It's getting trickier to know who's on which side, what with double agents and the discovery that one of the newest Aurors has been under the Imperious Curse for the past month. The press had a field day with that one, but if the Minister doesn't want something to get out, it won't. He usually gets what he wants.

And I keep getting off topic. I can't help it when my mind is constantly pulling in seven different directions these days. It used to be so easy. I used to have a one-track mind. But, no, now I have to _think_ all the time. I hope this ends soon.

So, as I was sitting, minding my own business, the door to the Kitchen opened and I was greeted by a voice, growling in anger.

"James Potter."

It was Lily. I couldn't help but smile as I took in her red pajama pants and tight black t-shirt. Her hair was slightly ruffled from sleep and she didn't bother to put on her usual dark make-up. She looked absolutely adorable with just the slight remains of last night's face.

"Hey," I said, taking a sip of my coffee. I almost spit it out; it needed sugar.

Lily tried to smile, but it came out as a weak grimace. We were silent for a long time, and I kept wondering what she could possibly be thinking with her brow furrowed and a cute pout on her lips. She sat across from me and the house elves put a cup of coffee on the counter in front of her. I couldn't take the silence anymore, now that Lily successfully distracted me from the newspaper. I spoke, trying to sound nonchalant, but then again, Lily could always see through me for some strange reason.

"So, how are you and _Luke_?"

"That's not any of your business," she said stiffly.

"I'm sorry," I replied, unfortunately sounding exactly as sorry as I was, which was not at all.

"Look, I don't mean to be a bitch, but can we not talk about it?"

I observed her carefully, trying to read her. She looked exhausted and slightly sick. I wonder if she's still refusing to eat. Not wanting to start another fight with Lily when it was obvious she didn't have it in her to argue, I dropped the subject, albeit slightly reluctantly.

"Fine, whatever," I said, attempting to return to the newspaper, but failing miserably. For some reason, I can never seem to concentrate around her. When I'm with her, all my thoughts are about her. I really do wish this would stop. I feel like a damn girl has taken over my brain. Next thing you know, I'll be thinking about which colors go best with my complexion.

Note to self, if it ever goes that far, appoint Sirius to murder me.

I looked up from not reading the _Daily Prophet_ when Lily sighed and put her head on the counter. She opened her eyes before picking her head up and looking at me. I briefly wondered what I had done this time to make her angry with me, yet again.

"James, what are you doing here?" She asked, her words burning with irritation.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting coffee."

"That's all you want?"

It was too good a line to pass up. I stood up and walked around the counter to where she was sitting. I was close enough to smell the sweetness of her hair and the coffee on her lips.

"Well," I said, whispering in her ear. I felt her tense with the closeness. "I might want some sugar in it."

I chuckled quietly and turned around to grab the sugar. I heard her let out a breath as I poured some of the white powder in my black drink.

"James, what is it we're doing here?" She asked, catching me off guard. "Because I'm not going to be the 'other woman' and all that bullshit. I'm not that girl and I will never be that girl. I need to know what this is before I can decide what I want from you."

"Well, that's a little conceited, don't you think?" I couldn't help making a joke to lighten the mood. Lily didn't even crack a smile so I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "Well, I've decided to break up with Ashlee," I heard myself saying, not knowing when I had made that decision. "Does that sway your decision?"

"Why? Why are you going to break up with her?"

"Because... I don't know. It's just not working."

To be completely honest, I couldn't think of a good enough excuse. The only reason for me to end the relationship with Ashlee is because it's getting to be that time. I never stay with someone for longer than a few weeks and me and her together is started to reach it's expiration date. I'm getting bored and I need a new challenge. But, of course, I couldn't say that to Lily. She would be disgusted at my lack of feeling about the situation. She would be angry that I really don't care much how this affects Ashlee.

"James, it's me. You don't have to sugarcoat things," she said. Well, she asked for it.

"Oh fine. I don't like her anymore. Frankly, I'm getting bored of her. And let's face it: I'm not a relationship person."

She laughed, but then grew serious. I knew she would react badly. The smile melted off my face and I hoped she wouldn't pick another fight with me. She looked so frail and as much as I hate it, I worry about her constantly.

Fuck, I think Sirius might need to step in soon. These fucking feelings... they really need to get out of my head.

"Where does that leave us?" She asked. She never ceases to surprise me. Here I was, thinking she was getting mad about me dumping Ashlee on her ass, but all she wanted to know was what would happen to whatever it is her and I are doing.

Smiling, I walked over to her and brought her lips to mine. She reacted exactly as I hoped she would, and she pushed me against the counter, kissing me back. After a minute, I broke off the kiss and couldn't help smiling.

"I think that leaves us right about here," I said, giving her one more kiss on the lips.

"What does that mean?" She asked, her lips moving against mine.

"Whatever you want it to mean," I whispered, leaning into her for another kiss. She pulled away and I frowned.

"No, don't be cute. I'm being serious," she said and I moved away, but kept my arms around her. "What is this, you and me? You're obviously not a relationship person, and I am." I couldn't help laughing.

"You, a relationship person? What about this Slytherin guy right now? You can't be dating him. Tell me, Lily, when is the last time you dated someone longer than two weeks?"

Okay, so I guess I do tend to provoke her, but I can't ever help it. She asks for it. Can you really blame me?

Alright, I guess I am kind of an asshole. But what does she really expect? I'm James Potter, for crying out loud. I'm known as one of the biggest prats in Hogwarts!

Needless to say, she got mad. She pushed me away and grabbed her bag, making her way towards the door.

"Wait, wait, Lily," I said, quickly catching up with her and pulling her back to me. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that." I pulled her tighter. "Come on, you know me." I tried to kiss her again, but she wouldn't let me. She did, however, let me hold her.

"I just want to be friends," she replied, not meeting my eyes. "That's it. Nothing less, nothing more. Is that okay?"

I sighed in defeat and dropped my arms from around her.

"Of course," I replied, and I can't help smiling when she does.

It doesn't really matter what she says now anyway. She always does this. She always claims she just wants a friendship, and then she goes back on her word. I'll break her again. I always do. She always comes back and we get a little closer each time, go a little farther each time we kiss. One thing will lead to another, just like it always does. This is not the last of me and Lily hooking up in random classrooms.

I'm not, by any means, going to hold my breath until she comes back to me. But it's only a matter of time. I'll wait. Besides, I have other things to occupy my time until she falls for me again. I'm James Potter, for crying out loud. And Lily just can't seem to stay away.

**Saturday February 14, 1980—Boy's Dormitory, 2:13 am**

Another boring couple of weeks. It took Lily forever to come back to me this time. But, don't worry, she did. I'm usually not wrong about these kinds of things. At least, I haven't been wrong yet.

I'm extremely exhausted, but I've just come in from a night of drinking with Lily and I thought I should document it while all the details are still fresh in my head.

I was out flying around the grounds because I had nothing better to do. I've been neglecting my broomstick lately, and as I've mentioned, when I'm flying, it's like everything around me, all the bullshit and stresses of everyday life, get a little quieter. It's easier to mute everything when I'm flying. In the air, I can just be, and I need that.

Anyway, I was flying past the Astronomy Tower when I heard a scream coming from inside the room. I turned around and perched on the railing, broom in hand.

"Lily?" I said, recognizing the bright hair and dark clothes combination.

"You scared the shit out of me," she replied, smiling and taking a swig of her bottle of Firewhiskey.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, knowing there was a Slytherin party and that she usually jumps at the opportunity to attend any party. She lifted her bottle in response.

"Join me," she said, smiling. It wasn't a question.

I smiled in return and placed my broom on her side of the railing before hopping over myself. I ran a hand through my air to fix it from the mess the wind made of it and I sat down next to her. She handed me a drink and I took a long swig.

"So, what are you doing here all by yourself?" I asked her.

"Sometimes you just need to get away, you know?"

"I know."

We sat and drank for hours. Lily is the easiest person to talk to, and we seemed to touch on every single topic we could think of. Talking to her had the same effect that flying has for me. It was simple to turn down the volume of the shit clogging my mind. It was easy to be with her, absolutely effortless.

Eventually, just like we always end up doing, we got on the subject of her and I, and whatever this relationship is between us. We were drunk at this point, and every word seemed to come so easily, without any trace of regret.

"I mean, you're a good kisser, and you know you're gorgeous, but you can be so fucking arrogant. You can be such an asshole," Lily said, draining her bottle and throwing it over the railing. We were so high up that the sound of it smashing on the ground didn't reach us.

"Oh, come on," I replied laughing. "This coming from the girl who dated Sirius."  
"I resent that. Me and Sirius were nothing like you and me. I can never tell the way you feel about me. And I mean, let's face it: I'm not exactly your type, and you're not mine. I have absolutely no idea how we even hooked up in the first place."

"Because I get everything I want," I whispered, kissing her cheek.

"Oh, see that's not arrogant at all," Lily replied, letting my lips moved down her neck.

I felt her tremble slightly as I left a purple-red mark on her neck. My lips moved back up her neck until I got to her lips. I wrapped her in my arms and kissed her, pleased when she put her hand on my cheek and pulled me closer. After a second, she pulled away, but kept my lips only an inch from hers.

"What about just being friends?" She whispered, her breathing slightly irregular.

"I don't want to just be your friend. I want all of you," I replied and I kissed her again. She pulled away and I sighed in frustration, letting my lips move to her neck instead.

"What about your girlfriend?" She asked, her breath coming in short gasps. I was proud that I had that effect on her.

"I don't care," I answered honestly, my voice muffled as I refused to take my mouth from the sweet skin on her neck. "I want to finish what we started in the prefect bathroom a few weeks ago."

She surprised me by lifting my face to meet her lips and I was only too happy to kiss her back. I broke momentarily from her lips to conjure a blanket and a pillow, and I slipped off her school robes before removing mine. As I pressed my lips back on hers, she let my hands roam her smooth legs. She blindly removed my tie and I helped her take off my shirt after she unbuttoned it. She gave me goosebumps as she ran her hands over my chest and I quickly removed her shirt.

As I explored skin she never let touch before, she unbuckled my pants and I kicked them off. I moved my hands under her skirt, but she broke off the kiss, and put her hand on mine to stop me.

"Wait, James," she said, breathing heavily.

"What?" I replied, slightly aggravated. I had been so close and she was breaking the mood.

"Well... the thing is... I don't want to be just another conquest. I don't want to be just another girl that you shagged just to see if you could. I'm not a game."

I sighed and laid next to her. I couldn't help thinking about the bet. I had been so close to fulfilling it, even though I didn't want there to be a bet, especially about Lily of all people. She wasn't just a stupid bet. Even though I wanted to shag her because she's beautiful and that's what I do with girls I like, I could never do it thinking about the bet.

I rolled on my side and cupped her face with one hand, the other hand still on her thigh under her skirt. I studied her features for a minute before speaking.

"Lily, do you know that you're one of the only people I can talk to about absolutely anything? You're real, and I like you for everything you are. I like you for everything you're not. I even like you for the things you try to be and fail miserably at. Anyway, the point is, I respect you. You're so much more than a cheap shag." I kissed her on the lips just once. "I'm not going to lie to you, I don't know where this can go. But I care about you."

Okay, so I know that was corny and if anyone ever heard me say anything like that, I would die from embarrassment. But with Lily, it's like none of that matters. I don't care about my reputation or if I'm going to look stupid around her. She makes it easier than it's ever been to just be me.

"Well, I mean, I care about you too, but I'm confused about how I feel about you. And we can't just keep doing this all the time," she said, motioning to our half-clothed bodies.

"Well, you have to admit," I responded, smiling, "we are pretty good at it." She smiled and playfully slapped the hand that was jokingly sneaking farther up her skirt. I removed it and placed it on her waist. I briefly noticed how her ribs jutted out of her stomach, but she distracted me when she spoke again.

"James, I'm being serious."

"Okay, I know. How about this, tomorrow, while everyone is at lunch, we'll set up a little game. And I'll invite Sirius and Remus. It will be a blast."

"Exactly what kind of game are you talking about?" Lily asked suspiciously.

"It's a surprise," I said with a knowing smile. I gave her a soft kiss.

"Can't wait," she replied, sarcasm dripping from those two little words.

We were silent for a few minutes, wrapped in each others arms. I knew we were both thinking the same thing and she was brave enough to ask it first.

"Well... what does that mean for tonight then?"

I knew she didn't want to sleep with me, not that night. She doesn't trust anyone, and she could never give me her body or her heart without knowing if I would break her. And I don't blame her. So I made it easy on her even though I was disappointed. But I respect her for trying to take care of her heart, even though she doesn't even know how to take care of herself in the first place.

"Personally, you've exhausted me with thinking while I'm 'in the mood.' I guess we'll just have to take a rain check on finishing what we started in the prefect bathroom," I told her. She smiled and kissed me, and I think she knew that I understood. I think she knew I cared too much about her to force her into anything and she was grateful for that.

"Thanks," she whispered in my ear. "Thank you for understanding. Thanks for making it okay."

So, we just talked for a few hours, wrapped in each others arms. We watched the stars and didn't bring up any of the bad things in life. We talked about life and our pasts and nothing that really mattered in the long run. And it was a breath of fresh air not to talk about the future, or the fact that I technically still have a girl, or our problems. And not talking about them made me not think about them. And not thinking about them made them as close to not existing as they've ever been.

There's just something about Lily. And I know I keep saying that she keeps coming back to me, but maybe it's really me that can't seem to stay away.

**Saturday February 14, 1980—Boys Dormitory, 5:32 pm**

I'm about to start getting ready for the ball, but a lot has happened today and I need to record this before I forget. It seems so strange that I was just complaining that nothing interesting has happened, and now everything seems to be happening at once. It's becoming overwhelming and I'm really not sure I can handle much more.

Well, at the very least, I won't complain about nothing happening anymore, not if this is what I'm going to get as punishment.

Ashlee and I finally broke up. Surprisingly enough, I dumped her. It's surprising considering today's events. And the weirdest part is that we're still going to the ball together. It's funny, I woke up this morning with an entirely different feeling about today. Maybe I should just shut up and tell the story.

So I woke up and got ready quickly. Sirius and Remus were already in the Common Room by the time I woke up, and I still needed to talk to them about participating in the game I had planned for Lily.

"What are you guys doing this afternoon?" I asked them in a secluded corner of the room. Most of the people were already on their way to lunch, but there were a few stragglers and I didn't want to be overheard.

"Hopefully I'll be doing Stephanie in an unused classroom," Sirius said, smirking. I rolled my eyes and turned to Remus.

"I was going to do that essay for Binn's class, but I have a feeling you want us to do something else," Remus replied.

"How would you like to cheer up a good friend by participating in a little game?" I asked.

"It depends on how good of a friend. I mean, have you seen Stephanie's body? I haven't even had the chance to shag her yet!" Sirius replied.

"Lily," I said simply.

"Well, that's a different story," Remus responded and Sirius nodded in agreement.

"What kind of game are we talking here, mate?" Sirius asked, with what I suspected was a knowing smile on his face.

"Remember that research we did out of curiosity? About muggles? You know which game I'm talking about, the one you said would be easier than getting to know girls in order for them to shag us, Sirius?" I replied, smiling at the spark of knowledge in Sirius's eye.

"With Lily Evans," Sirius said with interest.

"With Lily Evans?" Remus asked, doubting that she would take part in this if she knew what we were planning.

"With Lily Evans," I confirmed, smiling.

Just then, Lily walked over to me and Sirius gave her a knowing wink. Remus just buried himself further into his book, as if he wanted no part of this, though Sirius and I both knew he wanted Lily to be as much a part of this as we did.

"We need to talk," she mumbled. "Alone." I smiled, thinking she wanted another taste of what we had last night. Need I mention again how Lily never fails to surprise me?

She pulled me into another quiet corner and I wasted no time pulling her close to me to kiss her. She moved away.

"What are you doing?" She asked, alarmed. "There's so many people..."

"I thought you wanted to _talk_," I replied, giving her a small smile.

"Yeah, that's what I want to do. Talk. You know, with words and everything." She rolled her eyes and I took my hands away from her waist.

"Oh," I said. I smiled again and decided that she must really need to talk to me about something. "Well, what's on your mind, Lils?"

"What's on my mind," she replied, getting angry, "is this!" She pulled down her shirt and showed me the hickey I had made on her neck. I couldn't help laughing. "I don't think it's funny. What is it, you branding me? How did you even make it spell out your initials?"

"Let's just say I've got talent. And a lot of practice."

"Ugh, that's disgusting!" She yelled. I laughed again.

"Aw, come on, Lils. You've got to admit, it is a little funny."

"No it's not! I don't think it's funny that every girl in my dormitory felt the need to discuss every possible way I could have gotten this! I don't appreciate being made to look like a slut!" Lily took a few breaths to calm herself and spoke more quietly. "I said I don't want to be just another girl. This is utterly insulting. I don't want to be just another 'loved and lost' by James Potter. You had absolutely no right..."

I realized she really was hurt so I lifted her chin so she would meet my eyes. I looked around the Common Room once quickly before kissing her gently on the lips.

"Look, I'm sorry, Lily. I thought it would be funny. I didn't mean anything by it." I took her in my arms and whispered in her ear. "What did I say last night? You've never been just another girl. I would never want to hurt you. I care about you more than you realize." I kissed the top of her head and then let go of her, holding her hand and smiling. "Now, didn't I promise you a game?"

I steered her through the empty room to where Sirius and Remus were waiting. Sirius looked smug and Remus put away his book, not meeting Lily's eyes. I could swear he was trying to cover up a smile.

"We've been doing some research," I started to explain. "About muggles, I mean. And their pastimes."

She raised one eyebrow, eying me with suspicion, before turning to Remus and Sirius and giving them similar glances. Sirius was grinning and Remus looked apologetic.

"They dragged me into this, Lily," Remus told her. "I had no idea—"

"The hell you didn't!" I cut him off. "Who's the brains behind all our stunts, big or small?"

Remus opened his mouth to respond, but Sirius cleared his throat and began to speak instead.

"Ahem. The name of the game," he said, conjuring a set of muggle playing cards, "is strip poker."

The odds turned out significantly better than I thought they would. I was worried Lily would be a good poker player and embarrass all three of us by making us strip down, but this was not the case.

Remus lost three games and ended up in just his red and gold boxers. He came off as being shy and modest, but I know him better. He looked confident and cocky in his shorts, smirking at each of us, as if to say, 'like what you see?'

Sirius had been practicing. He didn't lose one game the entire time and looked superior as we all stripped down and he stayed fully clothed.

I lost two games and ended up losing my shirt and robes. I've never been ashamed without my shirt on because I'm very confident with the way I look. It was just the principal of the matter, that I had lost to Sirius. It aggravated me.

Lily was the worst out of us all. She was only in her skirt and bra when Sirius dealt out the cards for our last round.

"Now there's something only a small few have seen," Sirius said, motioning to her blue bra. "We're probably the only ones to see this beauty, eh, Lils? I'm just disappointed I never got a closer look when we were dating."

Lily blushed adorably and rolled her eyes.

"Well, I'm shocked at you, Sirius," she retorted, smiling. "This is probably the first time in your entire life you've been in a room with a girl, fully clothed."

"Don't knock it until you've tried it, princess," Sirius replied as Lily lost once again. She threw the cards angrily on the table. "Oi, Lily, I believe that's another game you've lost," Sirius told her, eying her skirt. "You know the rules."

"Nuh-uh. I'm not giving you guys anymore freebies," she said, giving Sirius a dirty look. He laughed.

I watched Lily as she walked to the window and stared out it for a minute. It was one of those strangely warm winter days and everyone was outside, enjoying the weather. Lily observed them carefully before sighing and making her way to a couch by the fire. She laid down, not bothering to put her clothes back on, and I knew that subconsciously, that meant she trusted us, even if she hadn't realized it yet.

"I see Lily seems to be getting a rash on her neck," Sirius whispered to me, smirking. "You don't have any idea where that could have come from, do you? I want to be sure I won't get it." Remus laughed and I shook my head, not saying a word.

"Well, I for one could use some replenishment," Remus said after a minute.

"Lils, me and Remus are going to get some food in the kitchens. You want?" Sirius called to Lily. She shook her head, her eyes closed.

"Make sure you remember your clothes, Remus," she muttered and Remus laughed.

"Thanks Lils."

"I'm going to stay here," I told them. Sirius gave me a knowing smirk and Remus just smiled and nodded.

They left quickly and I sat alone for a minute before walking over to Lily.

"Can I sit with you?" I asked her. She scooted over, making room for me next to her and I sat down, pulling her into my arms. She didn't open her eyes once. "Are you okay?"

"I'm just tired," she responded quietly. "Long week."

I nodded in agreement and pulled her closer when she snuggled deeper into my arms. Her bare skin on my bare skin felt heavenly and I closed my eyes and traced absentminded circles on her skin. We both began to drift off into sleep when I heard the portrait hole open and close. Thinking nothing of it, I let myself ignore the footsteps walking towards us. I didn't care who saw us because all that mattered then was how perfect it felt to have Lily in my arms. It was like she was mine and mine alone, and I didn't want to let her go.

Then, a voice I distinctly recognized broke me out of the pleasant reverie.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

The break in the silence startled me and I jumped off the couch, barely noticing that I knocked Lily on the floor. My thoughts were elsewhere. My thoughts were wrapped around the fact that Ashlee was standing before me, hands on her hips, looking back and forth between Lily and I, and our clothes sprawled across the floor.

And in the middle of the earth shattering silence, Lily began to laugh hysterically. I silenced her with a look and whispered for her to grab her clothes and go. She complied without a question about it. Noticing the terrifying look on Ashlee's face, I wished I could just leave too. That was hardly an option.

Once Lily was out of the room, Ashlee spoke again.

"So, what, are you sleeping with her too?" She demanded.

"It's not like that," I replied, lounging on the couch, uncaring.

"Then what is it like? What am I supposed to think when I walk in to you and that slut half-naked—"

"Hey!" I barked at her, standing in anger. "Don't you ever say that about Lily."

"Well, what would you call the girl who sleeps with someone else's boyfriend? I think slut pretty much sums it up!"

I grabbed her arm and towered over her, forcing her to look at me.

"What did I tell you? Don't you ever say that about her. She means more than you ever will."

"I'm your girlfriend!" She yelled, trying to hold her own against me.

"No, you're just some girl I had fun with. But it got old. Get over it. I don't have girlfriends. I just have girls I shag. This wasn't a relationship; I don't know anything about you. The only time I ever saw you was when we were shagging, so, don't act like you're devastated. I gave you what you wanted, the title of being James Potter's fling. It's not like you ever got to know me either. So let's be serious about this. You know it was just a sex thing. You're just jealous that I moved on."

"But I really did fancy you," she replied quietly and I began to feel sorry for her.

"No, you didn't. Think about it, what do you really know about me? It's okay, we weren't hurting anyone. It was fun, but it's over now. So let's just move on, okay?"

She wasn't crying. She knew it was just about the sex. The only reason she was so upset was because I didn't want her anymore and she felt embarrassed. I really didn't mean to hurt her, but we never were official. And it was ridiculous for her to make these claims, like that she fancied me, when she had never asked me a single question about myself.

"What about the ball?" She whispered. I took her hand and she looked up at me.

"We can still go together, if you like. As friends. That would mean a lot to me, if you would be my friend," I replied.

"Okay," she said, nodding.

"I'm sorry. Really."

"It's okay," she responded, giving me a half-smile. "Really. It was getting old anyway," she laughed, trying to make light of the situation.

"Yeah," I replied, smiling. I kissed her cheek. "I need to go," I told her after a minute. She observed me carefully for a minute before nodding.

"I'll see you later."

I quickly put my shirt back out and made my way outside, where I knew Lily would be. I saw her vibrant hair from far away, but as I got closer, I realized that she wasn't alone. I hid behind one of the trees next to the one she was sitting against and listened to the conversation once I realized she was with Luke.

"...I'd really like to get to know you better," he told her and I rolled my eyes. I could smell a cheap line a mile away. And there was something strange about him. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something about him made me uneasy.

Lily looked distracted, like she wasn't really listening to a word he had said. It took me by surprise when she answered him, as if she'd been paying attention the entire time.

"I'd like to get to know you better, too," she replied, forcing a smile. She looked miles away and I wondered if she was thinking about me.

"Well, I realize you're attending the ball with Ross, but I would enjoy it very much if you would accompany me to the Slytherin after-ball party."

What was this guy's problem? Why did he have to talk that way? Did he really believe he was above everyone else, or did he think his so-called 'elegant' talking would impress Lily? I sort of hoped for the first, seeing as the second might put a damper and Lily and I.

"I have to make an appearance at the Gryffindor one, but I'll only stay there for an hour. I'll be at the Slytherin one after that."

"Excellent," he replied, looking far too smug. I was tempted to jump out from behind the tree and beat him to a pulp, but I resisted, seeing as Lily might get a little mad about that one. "Lily, you're an amazing girl."

Oh, Merlin, gag me. Did he really think this was the way to win her over? She was better than that, better than him. She had to know that.

"I would be overjoyed if you would consider being my girlfriend," he continued, and I scowled, hoping Lily was smart enough to know he wasn't good for her. Then again, Lily seems to pick the very things that are the worst for her. I had a thick feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.

After a minute of thinking, Lily finally brought herself back to him. I wondered if she was thinking about me and if I had dumped Ashlee. I wondered if she was thinking about how it would be to date me, now that I didn't have any attachments to any other girls.

"I would love that," she answered, forcing another smile.

As he kissed her, I noticed that she didn't look happy. She looked absolutely miserable. I wondered if she enjoyed being unhappy, because she couldn't possibly think that this is what happy was.

I narrowed my eyes at the conniving Slytherin. As I walked away, I knew that this could never last. She always came back to me, always. And this would be no exception. But, I've begun to wonder and become increasingly concerned about the fact that maybe it's not only that she can't seem to stay away from me. Maybe it's also that I just can't bring myself to let her go.

**Author's Note:** Yay! I got this chapter out within only a few days of the last one! I'm proud of myself! I wrote it in one night, if you can believe it. I stayed up all night writing it, so I hope you guys enjoy it!

Anyway, I believe thanks are in order.

Windows of the World-- Thanks, and I'm sorry this chapter is so late. But I hope you enjoyed it!

Binka-- I don't know. I feel like more than half the things Lily does don't make sense. She's complicated and extremely illogical about her life. And only a few of the Slytherins actually accept her. The rest of them hate her and despise those who talk to her. But Lily is friends with Slytherins that aren't to be messed with, so they do a pretty good job of protecting her and watching their own backs. And yes, she definately has next to no self-esteem and she's been treated pretty badly her whole life, so it's all she knows. It's what she gravitates towards. It's all she's ever known so she kind of accepts when people treat her badly, without a thought about it. And of course, Dumbledore always has his mysterious reasons for the things he does, and he never really let's anyone inside his head. The plot thickens? We'll have to see. XD

Aly-cat101-- I'm very flattered! I'm so glad you enjoyed this fic so much! I'm not really convinced that I'm a great writer, but thanks for the compliment anyway. And, yes James is extremely frustrating, right? I'm extremely tempted to murder him half the time, but I think that might effect the story a bit, right? I apologize once again for the lateness in this chapter, but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, so hopefully that will make up for making you wait forever? Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it!

And, of course, thanks to those who read and did not review. I hope for more reviews in the future. Let me know what you think; I love to hear from you guys. Next is Masked Denial, but I'm not making any promises on when that one's going to be out. It seems that when I make some sort of promise about future chapters, it takes me forever to get them out. But when I don't make promises, I seem to get them out faster. Isn't that funny how that works?

Well, keep reading and reviewing!

xDreamerx


	11. Opposite Direction Normal People Want

**Chapter 11—The Opposite Direction Normal People Want To Go**

**Sunday February 15—boy's dormitory, 2:23 am**

Well, the ball was interesting, to say the least. Right after I finished getting ready, I received an owl from my mother. It was dated three days ago.

_Dear James,_ it read.

_The attacks have gotten worse. We were correct in the assumption that He would strike here next. There seems to be an attack every day, but They don't seem to be weakening. Of course, the _Daily Prophet_ is hushing it all up and I expect Dumbledore won't say a word, so not to trouble the students._

_I have been asked to stay three more weeks. Since I'm not entirely crazy, I agreed. But, don't worry. I'll be fine; I always am, aren't I? I'll owl you when I'm back._

_Send my love to Remus and Sirius and keep up your grades. I love you, and try to stay out of trouble, okay?_

_Love, Mother_

I wasn't in the greatest mood, to say the least. I mean, of course I would worry. How can I not? The thought of my fragile little mother fighting this disgusting excuse for a wizard is absolutely sick. I hate my father for doing this to us. If he hadn't left, my mother wouldn't have to work. She could stay home and run Godric's Hollow. I mean, in reality, she doesn't really need to work. We have enough fortune to live off of extremely happily, but mother always says we need to think of the future. But I'm fifteen; the only future I'm aware of is what I'm having for breakfast.

Anyway, I left for the ball before most people were finished getting ready. I didn't really have any desire to be around people, but I tried to cover it up when I met up with Ashlee. She looked great, naturally, but the strange thing was, her tight robe and great curves didn't do a thing for me.

I spotted Lily from the corner of my eye, having an awkward conversation with the floor, two Slytherins around her. I narrowed my eyes as I realized that one of them was her new _boyfriend._ I would have thought she would be all over him. I couldn't help smirking when I realized she was only really that way with me.

As expected, Lily looked incredible. I didn't even sneer as much as I normally would have at the sight of her and her date in Slytherin colors. I wonder if they planned that. If they did, they might need to get some serious help. First off, Lily isn't a Slytherin. And second, why are they matching? It's a little ridiculous if you ask me.

I forced myself to look away from her silky waves and her curves in the silver robe that wasn't too revealing. Turning back to Ashlee, I noticed her watching me watch Lily. I shook my head and forced a smile.

"Do you want to eat first?" I asked. She nodded and her face reflected my strained smile.

After a meal filled with forced small talk and even more awkwardness, Sirius joined our table and Ashlee moved to another to talk with some friends.

"I just danced with the lovely Lily. She looks better than ever tonight, doesn't she?" Sirius asked while I stabbed my food with my fork. I didn't answer. "Look, mate. I know you're probably mad about her suddenly dating this Slytherin guy, but let's think about it here. You wouldn't break up with Ashlee for her. She was really freaked out when Ashlee walked in on you two and you know she was bound to do something drastic; that's just who she is. Then, you show up at the ball with Ashlee on your arm, like nothing changed, like you guys are still together. And I mean, how would you feel?"

"Well, at least I wouldn't go off randomly dating the first person that asked me," I grumbled, my chicken formed into mincemeat from repeated stabbing. I put aside my fork and looked at Sirius.

"Well, I asked Lily about him and she didn't really seemed too pleased about the whole thing. Actually, she looked downright dreadful when I mentioned her dating him."

"She did?" I couldn't help asking, an annoyingly hopeful tone in my voice.

"Yeah. But, I think she thinks you're just using her to cheat on Ashlee."

"Yeah…" I replied, absentmindedly.

Scoping the Great Hall, my eyes found Lily on the dance floor with Remus. I watched Remus say something serious to her, but Lily just shook her head and replied, a slightly annoyed look on her face. She kissed his cheek and left, walking around the dance floor.

"Yeah," I repeated, getting up. "I'll see you later, Padfoot."

I followed Lily as she moved. She finally found her way to the refreshment table and poured herself a drink. I made my way over to her.

"I need to talk to you," I told her and she turned around to meet my eyes.

"Okay," she replied, sounding slightly nervous.

I took her hand and led her out of the Great Hall and into an empty classroom. Once we were both inside, I took out my wand and closed the door, locking it.

"What's on your mind?" She asked.

I was going to tell her about Ashlee, about how she never really meant anything to me. I meant to tell her that she was more than just a girl to cheat on Ashlee with. Maybe I even meant to tell her some disgusting romantic nonsense, but I didn't say any of those things.

Instead, my eyes looked her up and down, taking in her perfect little waist, her silky soft hair, her intense eyes, her smooth pink lips…

Instead, I found myself moving towards her and pressing my lips on hers.

I felt her weakening into my arms, but she forced herself to push me away.

"James, what are you doing?" She half-yelled.

"What we do," I replied, smiling. "You look unbelievable tonight."

Before she could say anything, I pulled her back towards me and kissed her again. This time, she didn't resist. I could feel her melting into me and I lifted her onto a table, using the sturdy wood to my advantage. She wrapped her arms around my neck and I found myself reaching for the clasp on her robes. Opening her robe in a practiced movement, I ran my hands over her bare waist, marveling at the smoothness of her skin. I lifted her legs around me and my lips traveled down her neck.

"James," she breathed, trying to catch her breath. I smirked with my lips on the soft skin of her neck. "James stop, please."

"Why?" I asked, my lips going further still.

"Because you have a girlfriend," she said, her breathing heavy. "And… I have a boyfriend now."

I froze against her, before meeting her eyes.

Okay, so yeah, I knew she was dating him. I heard their conversation when he asked her. But still. I mean, I was willing to cheat on girls I was dating with her. It just never occurred to me that Lily isn't the same way. She'll be the girl to cheat with, but not the cheater? It doesn't really make that much sense to me. Of course, Lily probably has more morals than I do, but still. What the fuck? And why would you bring this up in the middle of a hot and heavy make-out session? Way to put me out of the mood…

"What?" I replied, angry for her having ruined this moment. "Since when?" I took my arms from around her and acted as if this was news to me, as if I hadn't been eavesdropping on her entire conversation with the disgusting little Slytherin.

"This afternoon," she replied, almost guiltily. Her eyes begged me to comprehend the situation she had put herself into, but I was beyond listening to reason. I already wasn't in the greatest mood, what with my mother volunteering to give her life as an Auror, but this just put the cherry on top of a shitty day. I began to pace the room as I let out a cold laugh.

"This afternoon," I repeated, almost disgusted at the thought that this happened right after I dumped Ashlee. I mean, not that I was dumping Ashlee for Lily, but still. Couldn't she have waited five minutes to see if anything could happen between her and I? Maybe she only wants me when she can't have me? Damn, why do girls have to be so complicated. It's almost not even worth the trouble.

Except for the fact that it always is worth it.

"Why should it bother you anyway?" She asked after a moment of silence. She was getting angry, I could tell. "You have _Ashlee_. I thought that maybe she had some self-respect to dump your cheating ass when she found out about us, but I guess she really is as thick as she looks. Or did you just lie to her to 'keep a good shag' or whatever it is you do?"

What the fuck? I mean, honestly, where does Lily get these ideas? Keep a good shag? I mean, yeah, I guess that might be a reason to stay with someone, but I mean, come on. If the girl is as annoying and ditzy as Ashlee obviously was, it wouldn't even be worth keeping her around. How can Lily really think this about me?

Needless to say, I got angry. I mean, Lily doesn't even know me that well to be making these crazy assumptions about me. And, I mean, that's just what Lily and I do. We fight. I attempt to put her in her place and she tries to put me in mine. But all it really ends up doing is causing a bigger fight.

"How dare you!" I said, still pacing around the area in front of Lily. "Don't talk about things you know nothing about! It's none of your damn business what happened between her and I!"

Because it really wasn't her business. She has a _boyfriend _now. Why should she care what I do with my life? It's not like she wanted to be with me anyway, so why should it matter that I dumped Ashlee or if I was hoping to try something with her?

And yes, I am still aware of the bet. It's always in the back of my mind. But I keep pushing it further back, half hoping Sirius will forget about it and half wishing that I could just do it and be done with it.

"None of my business?!" She yelled back. "Oh, of course not. I'm only the girl you _cheat_ on her with, why would it be any of my business?"

So, I guess she kind of has a point. But still. We're not dating. We never have been and we probably never will be. I mean, how could Lily and I possibly ever work out as a couple? It's utterly ridiculous, just the thought of it.

"I dumped her, okay?!" I replied, letting my anger get the best of me like it always seems to do when I'm with Lily. My voice echoed in the room, and she cowers slightly for a moment before straightening up, her jaw line hard and proud. "Does that make you happy? She wanted to 'work it out' or some bullshit but I don't want her. Happy now?"

"Why would I be happy? It's not like you wanted to date me anyway. That's why I started dating Luke. At least he wants me for more than just my body."

No offense to Lily or anything, but I seriously doubt that. There's something wrong about this Slytherin guy, something slightly off. I have a bad feeling about him. And I don't know. Maybe it's time I let Lily try to take care of herself even though she can't. I mean, she's made it pretty clear that she's done with me intervening. So maybe I won't anymore.

"I wouldn't be so sure, sweetheart," I told her, finally stopping my pacing.

"What the hell does that mean?" She commanded of me, standing.

"It means you don't know what's good for you," I told her honestly, knowing very well that she hated to hear this out loud. "You never have. You pick the wrong guys."

"Oh, and I suppose _you're _the right guy for me? Please, don't make me laugh."

I couldn't help feeling slightly hurt at her words. Of course, her and I together is absolutely ludicrous, but still. She had no right to taint her words with such disdain for me. How does she know I'm not right for her? For all she knows, we could end up married with children some day.

I know, I know, yeah right. But still. You never know what crazy, fucked up things the future can hold.

I felt my face go blank in shock and it was a few moments before I can speak again.

"This conversation is over."

And I walked out.

"Don't walk away from me!" I heard her yell after me, but I didn't respond. I just walked back to the Great Hall, hoping this night would soon reach it's end and I could forget it ever happened.

After the ball ended, I walked with Ashlee back to the Gryffindor Tower for the after-ball party. Not wanting to really spend time with anyone, I recruited Sirius to come up to the Boy's Dormitory with me, arms full of bottles of Firewhiskey.

After my second bottle, I was starting to feel warm and chatty. After exhausting all possible conversation about Sirius's current fling, we turned our talk to Lily, and I opened my third drink.

"So what happened with her, Prongs?" Sirius asked me, taking a swig of his bottle. "You left me to go see her and when you came back you were all moody and angry. I know Lily can be quite a pistol, but still. Did you guys get in another fight or something?"

"You could say that," I replied, taking a long drink.

"Well, would you care to elaborate?" I didn't respond, so Sirius continued. "Come on, Prongs. It's just me and you. What does it matter what's said between best mates?"

"I don't know, Padfoot," I replied after a moment. "She's just… There's just something about her. She always knows how to hit a nerve. It's like she does it on purpose. No one can make me as angry as she can." I finished my bottle and tossed it aside, cracking open another. "I mean, I dumped Ashlee and she had to go date that Slytherin bastard straight away. It's like… It's as if she only wants me when she can't have me, and then she complains about it. I don't know what else I can do."

"Well, what happened?" Sirius prodded, and I'm feeling slightly drunk, so I go ahead and tell him. Besides, it's Sirius. What harm could it do?

"We went to an empty classroom. I just couldn't take it anymore. You know how good she looked. So we started to kiss and shit, but then she got all mad and defensive. She started yelling at me about how she has a boyfriend now and she can't be doing this shit. She said I didn't want to date her anyway, so that's why she dated that Slytherin prick. I told her he wasn't right for her. I mean, you know she always picks the wrong guys. And she got mad, of course, and I left."

There was a few minutes of silence. I sipped my drink slowly and Sirius watched me, I guess trying to observe my reaction.

"Well, I don't know, mate. You know how Lily is. She just needs time to figure herself out first. She'll come around. She always does. Eventually, she'll figure out that she's made a big mistake."

"But, I mean, she can make her own shitty decisions. I'm done trying to help her. Every time I do, she just shits all over me. She was right, it's not like I wanted to date her anyway."

Sirius just smiled like he'd just figured out something I had yet to discover. I finished my drink and tossed it on the floor, glaring at Sirius.

"What?" I asked, my temper rearing its face once again.

"Well, if you don't want anything to do with her, mate," Sirius said, smile growing, "what are you getting so upset about?"

"What? I'm not upset!"

Sirius just laughed and stood up, starting to walk back downstairs to the party.

"I am _not _upset!" I called after him.

And, still. I'm not upset. She's just an insane little girl. She doesn't affect me at all.

You'd know it if I were upset.

God damn her.

**Later, 11:18 pm**

Today was another… weird day. I had a Quidditch game this morning, and while I was nursing a slight hangover, I've played with worse ones.

I woke early, not really able to sleep much at all. I showered and dressed before anyone else was awake and walked down to the common room early. As I was passing through on my way to the Great Hall for an early breakfast, I spotted a figure on the couch. Upon closer inspection, I noticed it was Lily. She was shirtless, in only her bra and jeans, and was passed out with a liquor bottle still clutched in her hand.

At first I sneered at her. But then, Sirius's words flooded back into my mind. He said, _she looked downright_ _dreadful when I mentioned her dating him._ I knew that Lily hadn't been at the Gryffindor party, which meant she was at the Slytherin one. I briefly wondered what had happened there. I wondered why she was so miserable, why she did destructive things, things that turned her life in the opposite direction any normal person would have wanted their life to go.

And, really, why was she dating him? Was it just to get back at me? It seems like a lot of trouble and misery to go through for someone like me, that she claims she doesn't even care about.

I wonder why she likes to make herself miserable.

Needless to say, we won the match. It wasn't difficult, and it didn't help that I saw a flash of Lily's bright hair every time I looked into the crowd. It almost gave me hope, like maybe she wasn't as angry with me as I thought. I mean, she still went to the game to cheer me on. Or maybe she was just cheering on everyone but me? I swear, she does annoying little things like this on purpose.

After the game, I changed out of my Quidditch robes and went back to the Quidditch Pitch. There's a ritual I like to do after every game we've won. I like to go back to the pitch and fly around for a little while, just taking in all the emptiness of the place that was filled with screaming people only minutes earlier. I don't much care for the thought of religion, I never have. But there's something powerful and spiritual about being in the pitch minutes after everyone has left.

So I was flying around when something black caught my eye from in the midst of the gray stands. I went to it and picked it up. It was a bag filled with books and notes, an all too familiar knife, and a bottle of sleeping pills. I recognized the petite, eloquent handwriting on the notes almost instantly. And as if I needed any more clues as to who this belonged to, the knife and pills were a dead giveaway.

I took the bag, intending this to be the 'grand gesture' or whatever bullshit girls talk about. The point is, this was what I needed to have a reason to talk to Lily and for us to get over that stupid little fight we got into yesterday.

As I began to fly around a little longer, a bright flash from the grounds caught my eye. It was Lily, searching the stands for her bag. I smirked and threw it towards her, marveling at her excellent reflexes. A throw like that should have smacked her straight in the face, but she caught it almost effortlessly. She would have been brilliant of the Quidditch team, if only she could stand the sport and all us prats on the team.

"Nice catch," I called out as I flew towards her. As soon as she realized that it was me, she glared and started to make her way down the stands. I positioned my broom in front of her. "Get on." If possible, her glare got worse and she walked around me.

Shrugging, I just decided to hop off my broom and follow her, throwing my broom over my shoulder. I mean, she was probably still mad at me, and it was my goal to get her to talk to me, no matter what it took.

"Stop!" She screamed, turning to face me, her face contorted with rage.

Honestly, I didn't know how she could be this mad at me already. Usually it takes me much longer to get her to this level of anger. I guess I broke my own record. That's something to be proud of, right?

We were standing by the lake and my face went blank with surprise before she started speaking again.

"Why are you even talking to me? You made it pretty clear that I'm nothing but a slut. Why would you want to hang out with a slut if so many other girls want you? Oh yeah, I forgot, all you can ever get is brainless whores anyway. Well, you know what? I'm not that girl. Why don't you just go shag yourself? Or better yet, go shag the giant squid or one of your many admirers? But definitely not me."

What the fuck? I mean, maybe it's just that time of the month or something. First of all, I never called her anything close to a slut. She just likes to put words in my mouth, I think. I don't know why, but she always likes to think the worst of me, always seems to think people see her much worse than they really do. I don't know why she always insists on doing and thinking the exact opposite direction that any normal person does.

"You're mental!" I told her, because she is, really. Maybe she's just in denial. "You're bloody fucking mad, do you know that? You say you're not a slut? Please, don't make me laugh. You, the one who passes out half-naked in the common room!"

Okay, so maybe this is kind of a low blow, seeing as she obviously hasn't been in the greatest shape lately, but honestly, she had it coming. No one can make me as angry as she can. It's like a fucking gift or something, getting on James Potter's nerves. Maybe she's some kind of specialist in pissing the fuck out of me.

I was waiting for her to have some sort of rudely annoying remark in return, but instead, she gave me a dirty look and put her hand out to touch my chest. I guess I was thinking that all this anger really did it for her, as she was coming closer to me. But all she ended up doing was pushing me into the lake.

May I just say, what a little bitch.

Once I get my head above the freezing water—may I just mention that it is fucking FEBRUARY! Why the fuck isn't the water frozen over!—I immediately start to yell at her.

"What the fuck, you daft—" But she cut me off with her bloody laughter.

"You deserved that," she told me in between laughs.

"Fine, but at least help me out of here. It's fucking freezing. Are you aware that it's February, you insane—"

I'll help you, you annoying prick," she said, cutting me off again. I hate when she cuts me off. Can't she ever wait her damn turn? Maybe that's one of her special skills in 'Annoying the Fuck Out of James Potter.' Bloody bitch. "But only so you'll shut up."

She held out her hand and I wrapped min around hers. Her skin was snow white and her skin was softer than any I'd ever felt. I immediately worried I would bruise her delicate hand with my coarse calloused one.

But, smirking slightly before Lily can think twice about what she's getting herself into, I pulled her into the lake next to me.

Classic.

"James Potter!" She scolds me and I can't help laughing.

"You did it to me," I reminded her, still laughing. She rolled her eyes.

"But you deserved it," she replied, shivering. I felt slightly bad when I noticed her lips had turned a little blue, but reminded myself that mine were probably purple by now. "Okay, help me get out."

Being the gentleman that I am, I pulled myself out and then held out a shivering hand to her, eyeing her suspiciously.

"Don't pull me in," I warned her and she rolled her eyes again.

"Please. I'm more mature than you."

I laughed as she slipped on the bottom of the lake and her head fell underwater again. When she resurfaced, she had the audacity to spit water out at me. Disgusting.

"Ew!" I yelled and she smiled, taking my hand. I easily pulled her out and I guess I overestimated how hard I needed to pull because we ended up toppling over on the ground, her on top of me.

While I didn't really have a problem with our positioning, Lily looked extremely awkward so I helped her off of me.

"Sorry," she said as she rolled off and stood up. I got to my feet as she wrung the water out of her hair. I put a hand threw mine. "So, um…" She looked nervous, it was almost cute. Then I remembered that she just pushed me into the freezing lake and that was the reason I couldn't feel my legs.

I looked at the ground, not knowing what to say. Part of me wanted to apologize for blowing up at her last night, but a bigger part of me felt completely justified in it. I mean, she's the one that randomly dated some guy so she wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. If anything, she should be the one apologizing for jerking me around.

Oh, god, I just sounded like a bloody girl. What is Lily doing to me?

"Sorry I pushed you in, even though you deserved it," she said, breaking the strange silence. I couldn't help slightly smiling.

"What kind of apology was that?"

"_I _shouldn't be the one apologizing. _I _never did anything wrong. I was hoping to set a good example for _somebody _so the person who should really be saying sorry would," she said, shaking her head at me. I laughed at her words and she started to walk away, looking exhausted. I wonder if I exhaust her. Well, I hope so, because believe me, the feeling is mutual. A single girl has never been so draining as Lily Evans.

Sighing, I started running after Lily, catching up with her easily.

"Lily wait." She stopped and crossed her arms over her chest. "I, um…"

I couldn't get the words out. I mean, I'm James Potter, head Marauder. I _don't _apologize. Didn't she see what a huge sacrifice this was for me?

"Sorry," I muttered.

"What was that?" She asked, smiling. What a bitch. We both knew that she heard me. She just likes to play with me a little.

"I'm sorry!" I yelled and she raised her eyebrows at my raised volume.

"Okay," she replied, before smiling a little and heading back to the castle. I stared after her a minute, completely confused, before I followed her back into the warmth.

Fucking crazy day, right? I really don't understand my life.

And Lily. She's insane. I mean, she does the most random, terrible things and tries to make everyone think she wants things like Slytherin boyfriends and passing out half-naked. I mean, come on. We're not all as stupid as we look and we all know Lily better than she knows herself. She hates the things that she does, I can see that. But somehow, I guess she just can't stop. She can't really control herself, she never has been able to master that. And I don't know. I know I said I wouldn't intervene in her life anymore, but I can't really help it when she's driving it into the ground.

She just seems to want to pull in the opposite direction any normal, sane person would want to go, all the while smiling and acting like this is the life she wants to live.

But, you see, her lies are getting old fast. And well, we've all been able to see through them anyway. She's not fooling anyone. She's completely miserable. And for some crazy reason, I feel like it's up to me to make her happy, up to me to put her life back together.

Damn, I guess her insanity is rubbing off on me.

**Author's Note: **Hahaha, is he starting to have feelings for her?

Thanks to:

Merope Firpo

And all others who read. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and reviews would be very nice.

Next is Masked Denial, but I don't know when that will be out. That fic is harder to write than TTT and FOF, haha.

XDreamerx


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